Prompt: "A song that reminds you of the worst thing you've ever done"
Selected by Maeve
"Drew Barrymore"
SZA
Ctrl, 2017
Guys, I don't know. I'm not in a self-reflective mood right now. I'm sure I've done a ton of horrible shit, but ranking it is stressing me out. I've been selfish, I've been manipulative, I've gossiped, I haven't considered others. I've also worked on all this as an adult. But ultimately, I think I've tried (I hope) to be a halfway decent person? I'm sure everyone writing or reading this blog can talk about real horrible things I've done, but is it terrible that at this moment I can't think of anything overly egregious? I've never caused myself or anyone any trouble with the law or ruined any lives—that I know of? Idk, please weigh in with the comments if you'd like.
But also prior to telling me too many awful things about myself, know that I've had a terrible week... I was called "A LIAR!!!" by an artist—loudly—in front of ten people. Only for me to pull up our exact message exchange (where she was clearly wrong and I told her the same fact four times in that message and she ignored), having her call it a "simple misunderstanding." I need to let these things go because, no, it wasn't a misunderstanding. One of us is correct with factual evidence that was repeated multiple times and the other is consistently lying, using me as a scapegoat and then expressing to everyone "whoops—my giant three week overreaction doesn't matter! Ignore everything I said! I'm just a silly artist, hehe, and Maeve doesn't respect my process." But ultimately, does it matter if I "prove that I'm right"? No, it does not.
The issue of working with creatives, but being the non-creative, persists. I fear I'm becoming the annoying terrible character in every movie who doesn't let the "creativity take control" who, granted, I hate in those movies! But there's a harshness that comes with working at a gallery when you're in charge of deadlines and logistics and machine rentals and show opening dates. This afternoon, I had a meeting with an artist whose show opens in two weeks. He "thinks he might want to change the wall color" when I've already purchased the paint, hired painters coming tomorrow and have a strict budget. After that long meeting, my boss came over to my desk and thanked me for laying down the law. I asked him if I was "too much of a bitch" in the meeting. He told me, "you're the only one who really knows all of the details across the board, and I trust you, so you just tell me when I need to be the authority, but I think you've got it covered. You know what we need and you're getting it done." Great backup, but that doesn't help when you're constantly the realistic and often times negative energy in a meeting. I'm scared that I've lost my joie de vivre due to things that don't matter. I've become too practical, too rules-based, too realistic, too pragmatic. Perhaps I've leaned too far into my Virgo roots? Where's the girl who convinced a school bus driver to pull over on the Jersey Turnpike so everyone could shotgun beers on the way to Medieval Times?? I know that being young and carefree goes hand in hand, but also, truly, unless you're in Bridget's line of business, what's that serious? I shouldn't be crying at my desk out of frustration that the electrician who is on-call for a $45 million dollar house in Beverly Hills won't return my calls when the shipper is there and the interior designer is threatening my life. Or when the glass color of a famous R&B artist's custom lighting install in Atlanta isn't the exact shade of glass that the artist requested (I mean, there's only so many shades of clear, but sure). It doesn't matter!!! But again, I'm trying to find the joy in my job because I'm fucking great at it. It's just a lot. And I'm not compensated properly and my benefits aren't where I need them to be, and it's an on-going conversation. I do think those things could change my point of view quite strongly. Not having to have multiple side hustles? Sure, in that case I wouldn't get so frustrated with the minutia. But goddamn, I think I could and will be here for a long time. I love it.
1 comment:
Hopping into the comments to say that I cannot imagine in a million years you ever causing yourself or anyone any trouble with the law or ruining any lives. And also to say that the perspective of "non-creative in a creative space" is a really interesting one! And one that makes me feel like you're selling yourself a bit short. What the fuck do you think you are doing here, on this blog, if not being creative? Doesn't feel like a one-or-the-other type of thing. You have skills that fall under "creative" and skills that fall under "non-creative," and just because the skills in the latter are the ones you mostly utilize in your job doesn't mean you can't use the skills in the former at work and otherwise.
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