Crosswalks: A Patriotic Follow Up

(The following is solely the opinion of its author, and does not reflect nor is endorsed by any other member of the Rockledge community, Council Member or otherwise.)

Above: "Oh god! That patriotic man on stilts is dizzy and may fall because of those Rockledge crosswalks!"

I don't know how I did it, but I did it. For the first time in years, I woke up early enough to attend the annual Rockledge Fourth of July Parade. It was everything you'd imagine a small town holiday parade would be. There was the local state Representative with the cute girl throwing candy to the crowd. There was the Dixieland jug band on a flatbed truck. There were the little kids in decorated wagons. Men dressed up like Abraham Lincoln rode around on 1920s-style bikes while women dressed up like Betsy Ross collected money and handed out coupons for 50%-off car washes. Civil War reenactors blasted their shotguns in the air while all the babies along the curb cried and the juggling clowns only made it worse.

I enjoyed the festivities thoroughly, and I was proud and thankful that my small neighborhood came together and enjoyed each other's company on such a beautiful day. It took a lot of effort, I'm sure, to put all the festivities together and have them run as smoothly as they did. And to raise the sufficient funds in this economy is an achievement in itself. Good job, Rockledge!

Sometime between the fire truck and the square-dancing club, it struck me—this shit almost didn't happen. If you go back to a post I made in November 2008 (I encourage that you do), you'll remember there was a small group of kooky small town vigilantes that wanted to scrap that parade in favor of their own agenda.

As is well known to those who attend town meetings, the issue of the crosswalks down Huntingdon Pike has been hotly contested for well over a year now, pitting those levelheaded enough to appreciate the improvement in our community against some batshit crazy old women that for some reason get dizzy when walking across the street.

They feel so strongly against these new crosswalks that they are constantly making a ruckus about it, annoying townsfolk with petty petitions and ridiculous threats. Most of it, while idiotic, is fucking hilarious as well. These people have recently reached a comedic high with an amazing and wonderful YouTube video:



These are the people who wanted to take the parade money away and use it to "fix" the crosswalks. Sheesh.

This is a funny video, but at the same time, it's also scary how stupid and mostly false it is. First of all, they say "people are getting dizzy," but this is a generalization. Just because YOU are getting dizzy, it does not mean anyone else is getting even remotely dizzy.

Secondly, it claims that people are "avoid[ing] the main road, and increasing traffic in our back residential areas." Because of this, "over forty tickets were issued over a one month period." If you know what the Rockledge police are like at all, you know it would be absurd to attribute an alleged "increase in traffic" to the amount of tickets given out. The police have been cracking down on stop sign violations—I have seen this with my own eyes—and it has nothing to do with dizzy people driving down the back roads. Plus, the Rockledge police are strict as fuck; I would be surprised if forty thousand tickets were given out a month.

Thirdly, if you are trying to strengthen an argument, you probably should not use bad puns, barnyard animals sounds, and terrible animation tools to do it.

The YouTube page has a surprising amount of decent comments from the Rockledge community, and an unsurprising amount of halfwit comments from our anonymous and dizzy antagonist.

On the Fourth of July, we celebrate our freedom and independence. It's a sad irony that the freedom we celebrate is the same freedom that grants these nutjobs the right to protest freely and openly. It gives them the right to try to take away our celebration of freedom. The freedom to try to take away a celebration of freedom. What a vicious mockery of our democracy.

Thankfully, this freedom also grants me the right to make fun of them as much as I want.

FUCK SEPTA

The bus as means of transportation has been the bane of my existence even before I started using the public bus variety on a regular basis. Lacking a car in high school, I had to drag my sorry ass to not one, not two, but four fucking buses every day of my high school tenure.

Specifically, there was the seating situation. Being the only kid from my school on a bus full of public-schooled strangers, I had no regular seat buddy. I usually was stuck next to the smelly kid, the weird kid, or the kid that listened to metal music WAY too loud on his headphones. People disliked me because I was always the last one on the bus due to my previous bus perpetually arriving late to the transfer point. And the "three freshman to a seat" rule gradually evolved into the "let's stick the jackass next to the fat kid and the smelly kid while we all ride comfortably two to a seat" rule as I grew older.

Graduation day was a wonderful day for many reasons, not the least of which was that I was forever freed from the gigantic pain in the ass that was my big yellow school bus. Never again would I be forced to sit next to strangers, grit my teeth, and through sheer force of will survive each ride.

Then I started riding SEPTA's 18 Bus to and from University. It is every bit as bad as my yellow school days. Ya know what, fuck it. It's worse.

No longer is there the fat kid. Now there's the fat man with the trashbag. No longer is there the smelly kid. Now there's the smelly old lady that insists on sitting next to you even though there are plenty of empty seats all over the goddamn bus. There's no longer "three freshman to a seat." Now it's the "If it's crowded, then you pretty much don't get a seat" rule.

After a long day at work, I mustered the energy to pay my unreasonable two dollar fee and take a seat on that lovely 18. It's crowded as shit, but somehow I find a seat up front. Thinking life is good, I settle into my seat and zone out.

Except, soon I notice there's an old lady giving me the dirtiest look she can manage. I thought maybe she just had it out for skinny white boys, but as it turns out, a lady with a sprained ankle had just entered the bus and couldn't find a seat. It was pretty much expected I'd give up my seat for her.

Now granted, I would have in a heartbeat had a I seen her. But I didn't. Because of my damn seating situation, I'm made to look like the asshole because I didn't give up my seat. God forbid I'm not on constant alert for people more deserving of a seat then me! I eventually got up and gave this ailing lady the seat. And she didn't say thank you! Bunch of fucking inconsiderate bus-riding motherfuckers in this town.

I'm sick of riding the goddamn bus. I'm sick of asshole bus drivers and rude passengers and that goddamn baby that won't shut up and those obnoxious high school students in the back and the stench and everything, all of it.

I need a car.