The
Power Hour got us all pretty hammered. Then, as per usual, people started to say and do ridiculous drunken things. Again, the audio recorder was brilliant and fucking hilarious. Here are the highlights from the shitshow:
~~~
Emily: I'm slightly disturbed at what's going on. I think people are taking out their balls again. It seems to be a habit among you and your friends.
Joe: ...I learned from the best.
~~~
Joe: Shit, man, Harry's leaving. This sucks. Emily's going to the bathroom. This sucks. Close the doors!
~~~
Joe: What do you have to say to the recorder?
Maureen: I love Joe?
Joe: That's stupid.
~~~
Nick: There comes a time in a young man's life when he realizes, fuck, where am I going? And for Joe, this is where it's going.
Dave: I agree.
~~~
Kristin: I have to say, I've had a wonderful time, and it was great to see you. I'm gonna come... to your school sometime.
Joe: I'm going to assume you were the one drinking, not Harry.
Kristin: Yes.
~~~
Harry: Um... Joe is the man, I have so many great memories with him, and I cannot wait for summer, and it's gonna be awesome.
Joe: Let me kiss your hand. [
kisses hand] Now you do it.
Kristin: Kiss his hand?
Joe: There ya go. Role-reversal, role-reversal. [
To Harry] No, don't kiss her hand! If women want to get out of the kitchen they gotta kiss our hands! My grandmom got her license just for the insurance! She never drove a car in her fucking life! Now kiss Harry's hand, or else you'll be good for nothing but baby-making and kitchen... cooking.
~~~
Kyle: I have a quote for this right now. There are good people that do stupid things. Smart people outsmart each other, then themselves. It means don't try to hard because you'll just fuck yourself over.
Joe: I thought it meant drink.
~~~
Joe: Say something smart.
Mandy: I don't have anything to say.
~~~
Mandy: I hate everyone in this room.
Mary: I love Joe's cock!
Mandy: Ew.
~~~
Mary: It's obvious. The Village kids, the Fox Chase kids, the Rockledge kids are some of the coolest kids you'll ever meet.
Joe: Yo, fuck the Village.
Mary: Fuck Rockledge equals Joe. Fuck Joe!
Katie: I don't live in Village or Rockledge but I'm still cool, I'm a McCool.
Joe: Yo, fuck Wyndmoor.
~~~
Katie: What do you think of my boyfriend?
Joe: I like him. What would you think if I had anal sex with him?
Katie: I would mind.
Joe: Why?
Katie: Because that's gay.
~~~
Emily: Say something? Hi... I'm not from Pennsylvania, woo!
~~~
Mary: This music sucks! Boys like you are
not dime a dozen. You boys are at least a quarter each.
~~~
Joe: Nick Talbot and Nick G****** are the same fucking person. [
To Nick] Yo, he knows about you, dude!
~~~
Joe: There's Ed McG****, you know him.
Emily: Do I?
Joe: Yeah, you met him tonight. Big oafy dude?
~~~
Emily: My cat is old.
Joe: Is it fat or skinny?
Emily: It's muscular.
Joe: Muscular? Cats aren't muscular!
~~~
Kev: I wanna say something smart. I think you should have a baby grand piano in your room.
~~~
Joe: Let me finish this beer, take a piss, and then I'll sit next to you.
Emily: ...Okay?
~~~
Dave: Are me and Mary C****** gonna hook up? Who knows.
Mary: What is your response to that, Dave?
Dave: Well....
Joe: No comment.
Dave: No comment.
~~~
Shane: I go out with Katie McCool. Ya know what? I hope I get accepted by all your friends.
Joe: You already are. You walked in, you're already accepted.
~~~
Shane: Katie is like... Katie.
~~~
Joe: I'm peeing in front of everyone.
Dave: I'm gonna record Joe peeing. Yo, he's aiming his penis away from where I was pointing it.
~~~
Dave: This is Dave N***** reporting from Joe's yard. He's like the 400th person to piss here, maybe more.
Joe: 405. 400 pints of piss in this yard. Wait, wait, look at my yard. Look at all the yellow grass.
Dave: And the funny part is he's not even 21 yet. I'm 21 and I still piss back here.
~~~
Kev: I hate to cut you off, but I have to take a piss.
Joe: Go in that bush. That bush should die anyway. I hate that bush.
~~~
Joe: It's steaming! It's steaming off the bush!
Kev: On the tape recorder!
~~~
Kev: I just want people to know... that we were the original Burholme members. I want to thank... I'm having a party at my house. In my basement.
~~~
Joe: Did you drop the L-bomb yet?
Jim: A little bit.
Joe: What do you mean, "a little bit"?
Jim: Yeah, I drop the L-bomb.
Joe: Comfortable with that?
Jim: Yeah.
Joe: That's awesome man. If you would've said "no" I would've said "Fuck you man, stop it." Because that shit's important!
~~~
Joe: Were you flashing lights?
Mom: Oh, Mom Mom is sleeping in your room. I meant to turn off this light... but I turned off your light. So I wasn't flashing it for youse for anything. The light wasn't... on.
[
Editor's note: We were both drunk, that's why it's funny.]
~~~
Joe: Okay, so you ever see
Say Anything? About three years ago, it was a random Saturday morning, it was On Demand... I started drinking... And like, Lloyd Dobler said something that I've been thinking about for a while, his emo friends are saying like, "You're gonna get hurt, don't do it, don't do it!" and he's like, "I wanna get hurt!" and that's like... I have not understanded that for the longest fucking time. At first, my thought, "Wow, I've never been hurt. Maybe I should be hurt." And then I was hurt, no then I get hurt, ya know, my ex-girlfriend hooked up with my roommate or whatever, whatever, fuck that, it's worth it. So was like, I don't want to get hurt. But then! But then, I thought, ya know, you try it out with a chick, and she hurts you, that's one more step closer you are to, ya know, the girl you were meant to be with. So, why not? Why not try? You might get hurt... you might get hurt.... So I'm saying, Lloyd Dobler is telling me to follow my instincts.
Emily: I really have to go.
~~~
Joe: Fuck you. Fuck you.
Mandy: Get that thing away.
Joe: Fuck you. Mandy Bee, fuck you.
Mandy: I hate you.
Joe: Yeah, that's right.
~~~
Nick: There's things I love about Joe. One is the hair, two is the sideburns. Three is the eyebrows. Yes. These all have to do with types of hair.
Kev: Four, I cannot wait to listen to this.
Nick: Five! Five. This is not Nick speaking. Kev jacked my list. Kevin jacked my list. And for that, you have a bottle shoved up your nostril.
Kev: Six, Joe is pissing on his own house. To which, I love the shit when he does this, man. My god. When this motherfucker throws a party, he pees on his house and shows everyone his wiener. What a guy.
Brrrrrt.
Nick: Number six, because I am so horribly... Seven? Number seven I'm told, I have learned, do not want to, let me state that right now... so horribly learned that Joe has a very small, very tiny penis. It's not impressive by any means, um, I would implore him to keep it away at all times. It's not long, it's short.
Joe: It's somewhat thick when erect.
Nick: It's a grower, not a shower.
Joe: Exactly. Ex-girlfriends have explained it as... ex-girlfriends have described it as, uh, a lot of girth.
Nick: "Girth"?
Joe: Do you agree?
Nick: ...I don't know. But if I were to assume, I would say, no, I do not agree.
Joe: When erect.
Nick: I imagine they have described it as... passable. Or, satiable. Not quite enough to please, but enough to get 'em through the day.
Joe: Ex-girlfriends have described it as, "Is that it? Really? That, that's it?"
~~~
Joe: What's your parting words?
Mandy: Love you.
Joe: That's your parting words?
Mandy: Yeah.
Joe: Say something different. How do you respond to your nickname, "Hepatitis Bee?"
Mandy: Um... the love that you, that you take, has to be equal to the love you make.
Joe: Okay John Lennon.
Dave: I'm Mandy B** and I love hepatitis B because I have it. Okay Heppy! Heppy is so much better.
~~~
Everyone: Shane! Shaaaaane!
~~~
Jim: I love the shots to me tonight. I'm glad I'm entertainment to everybody.
Joe: Everybody fucked up my last shot.
Kev: Everyone's looking forward to Kev C***** parties!
~~~
Joe: Wait! Who got the Honorary Load of the Ward... I mean Load of the Night?
Jim: Probably me. I have to yak every time I drink.
Joe: There's no excuse. Your brother has a legitimate excuse, every time he plays sports he bleeds or whatever, and every time you drink, you puke? That's stupid.
Jim: Every time I eat I puke.
Joe: Why?
Jim: I'm going to the doctor...
Joe: Bulimic! Bulimic! What do you say?
Jim: Amen.
Joe: You're bulimic then. If you're legitimately bulimic, just tell us now, we'll help you through it.
Jim: I'm. Legitimate. Bulimic. And Kyle has sex with RED PEOPLE!
Joe: Okay, don't lie when you say you're bulimic. If you're really bulimic, your throat's being killed by the acid from your stomach.
~~~
Kev: So, like, what happens when I poop in your mouth? And it's like, really steamy?
~~~
Mary: Put it on the blog, bro, put it on the blog!
Maryrose: Mary's story was a bunch of bullshit.
Joe: Mary, I was told your story was bullshit.
Mary: I'll bull your shit. I'll shit your fucking bull, bitch. I'll like it.
~~~
Mary: John, you are so good at telling stories. Tell one.
John: I don't have any stories.
Mary: Start with the rabbit and the bear.
John: ...Am I a Native American?
~~~
Mike: Puke on Your Birthday. A novel concept. Many people have documented their travels, their experiences. Notably: Hunter S. Thompson—
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, drug use, you know, sexual endeavors, whatever—but never has such a group of young talented writers, in such a candid, and... presented it for the world to see, what really happens in Northeast Philadelphia.
Kyle: Who farted?!
~~~
Kev: I'm gonna make a note of this. Time is 2:27 [
Editor's note: it was 12:27]. Joe, I hope you remember this point, I will play it right now, I pray that you put this on Puke on Your Birthday. Because this moment, 2:27, on March 8th, March 8th is the day, two years ago, it's 12:27, my best friend, you all know, my dog Murphy, passed away, two years ago. And I miss... wish that you can put this on Puke on Your Birthday, my only wish, Murph was very special to me. Thank you very much.
~~~
Joe: Mandy just texted me. I love Mandy Bee, probably my best friend, but... I'm not gonna text her back.
~~~
Joe: I'm at a good point in my life. My friends are here, and we're all fucked up, and I'm fucked up as well. But I cannot deny that they are great friends, regardless of our inebriation. I've felt this for a few days now. Yesterday morning during my trial, many people came to support me. Some to speak, some to just be there for support. And, and everyone went around and introduced themselves as "Friend of Joe," I... I was crying. I was crying. I couldn't show it in court, but there was tears coming down my face. And that's because, it was one of the first times—in recent memory—that I truly, truly appreciated my friends. And everyone here is in the same boat. They appreciate me. And... honestly, I wouldn't give this up for anything. For anything! The cops come here right now, bust the shit out of this, throw my ass in jail, and I would have a smile on my face, because, people that are in this room now, are my best friends. My best fucking friends. And, I would not do anything to fucking change that. I really fucking wouldn't. It's great fucking people, and, honestly, I'm kinda an atheist if I wasn't then I would say, God, God has fucking blessed me with these friends. There's nothing more I can say. My life is defined as good friends having my back. So, if you're reading this, and you're dead—if I'm dead I mean—and ya know, you are one of these friends I'm describing now, I really want to thank you, you really kept me going. Really fucking kept me going. Thank you.
~~~
Mike: I hope this monologue is transcribed the way I say. When I think about this party, um, and the whole idea of spring break, I look back at the idea of a "reunion." And, ya know, a reunion in its essence is a taking back of what has happened before, but that's not what really what's going on right now. Like, think of it this way. Right now, we have a Katie and a Kyle with no sexual tension. Katie happy with a new boyfriends and Kyle, happy with a new girlfriend. We've got a Burholme, ya know, a band that hasn't played in a really long time and that's okay because we have a drummer who's going to the fucking A-10, we have a guitarist that's playing in a cover band, and we have a bassist who hasn't played the bass in two years and he's just getting drunk and going to work. Shit. On top of all this we have, ya know, the Lafayette Reunion. Ya know, we have probably like seven people here. Me, Joe, Kyle—not Kyle—me, Joe, Dave, Kev, Mandy, Nick, Maryrose...
Joe: Ed's sister.
Mike: Anna McG****, but that doesn't really count. But what it comes down to is the summer after senior year was me, Joe, Dave, Matt McC*****, and Nick, ya know, all waiting tables, Joe DiM*****, Tina N*****, Maryrose, maybe a little bit Christina L*****, Romeo, Charlene, Sharon, Eric... so, right now, like, I know Joe probably did some nostalgic shit about how this is a reunion of some sorts, but really it's not.
Joe: I forget what I said.
Mike: This is the evolution. Ya know? Dave's graduating. Next year I'm gonna be out of this fucking country for the first fucking time. Joe's still gonna be doing the same thing he always does. It's intimidating, but this year's, like, ya know, one more step forward. So we'll see what happens, and, dear readers, hopefully Joe doesn't tinge the fucking post with his emo nostalgia for the fact of Junior Year of high school.
Joe: No purpose, no subscript will be added. Just exactly what was said.
Mike: Therefore—
Nick: I love vaginas. Wrapped around my penis.
Dave: I came in halfway through Mike's speech, and I'm pretty sure he covered everything that I wanna say.
Nick: My dick is hard.
Dave: Okay, everyone here's joking and stuff, but I wanna say, all I wanna say is, ya know, may be sensitive or whatever, but I'm here with my best friends having a good time. It's a great thing. No seriously, that's all that matters at life. Me and Mike, all our life we've been singing songs and Puke on Your Birthday, my friends come first, that's a part of life. Ya know what, it's true, it's a part of life. Yeah, I figured that out a couple of years ago and it's been that way ever since. It's like just one of millions... nothing special I gotta say, but that's all I had to say about my friends. They come first.
Nick: Dave, I agree, but I'd like to add: Ladies, fair readers of PoYB, I am now single, and I'm looking for types of Js. Um, I will not take an HJ, because a handjob is like a women's basketball game, they shouldn't be doing it. It's also like a minor league baseball game. Because you pay the extra ten bucks and you see a real show. Okay, so HJs, we settled that. BJs, gladly accepted. VJs...
Joe: ZJs? There's no such thing as a ZJ.
Nick: There is such thing as a VJ. It's called a "vagina job." Where you wrap your labia around my penis and you move it up and down. I might move it up and down.
Dave: I would love that.
Joe: You almost had a child!
Nick: Also, if it makes a difference, my penis has been described as "satiable," the perfect size, I'm told that the one vein has very strong veining, um, honestly, my dick is like a vibrator, it shakes and rattles and rolls. And, uh, it is my first time in over seven year. I started having sex at the tender age of seven, I took a thirteen year hiatus, and began again when I was 20, only to take another hiatus until today, where I am speaking to you. So any type of J you want, any type of J. The last time I got laid I was 20. I'm in a terrible drought dude, it sucks. I'm done.
Dave: Ya know what, fuck it. My turn. Nick G****** gives his single speech and now here's Dave N***** giving his single speech. Um, yeah, Dave N***** is also single. He's looking for a couple job's if you will. HJs, Nick said it pretty much perfect, I don't deal with them. BJs are very acceptable, VJs, vagina jobs, are very accepted too. Um, I'm a nice guy. At the same time, ya know what, I love the vag, I love girls, if you have the stuff, the stuff my cock goes on, go right ahead, so yeah, if you have the stuff to give a vagina job, or if you wanna fuck me, I'm so down. I love sex. Sex, sex, sex. I wanna take my dick when it's hard and put me in you, I'm so down. Nick said it better then I can, so I'll just give you the... the whole thing, I'm hard, I'm gonna put it in ya, and you better enjoy it. So, I'll pass it on to Mike. Dave N*****'s single, peace out girl scout.
Mike: Well, one thing is for certain at Puke on your birthday dot blogspot dot com. We are not politically correct. Let's enumerate the ways. First of all, we all have college education. Let's enumerate the ways that we are in... Jesus. Jesus fucking Mary, that is incorrect. We do! Ya know, it's not about— [
a girl screams]. Dave N*****'s genitals are flopping up and down in the manner of a lead zeppelin.
Joe: Everyone has to leave in 20 minutes.
Mike: Um, to put this plainly, Dave N***** of Rockledge, Pennsylvania—actually, no, Northeast Pennsylvania, ya know, part of Philadelphia region, his penis was... flopping up and down with this movement of the trampoline. It wasn't impressive. It... it was almost scary. But, you have to admire a person with that kind of spunk, because, ya know what, at the end of the day Puke on Your Birthday, political correctness is just a fad. Who fucking cares?
Dave: Um, can I cut in real quick. Puke on Your Birthday, hello. Um, Mike was right, my penis wasn't impressive, but ya know what? At the same it's not embarrassing I'm just there, it's like, if I'm like naked next to some other dude, it wouldn't be comparative. You wouldn't be like, oh wow he's huge! But you wouldn't be like, oh wow he's small. So I guess Mike is right there with Nick, but honestly girls, let me put that hard shit inside you.
Mike: If it gets hard, it's a dick.
Dave: Yeah, if it gets hard it's a dick. I'll put that shit inside you.
Mike: Only the first three inches of the vagina even have sensory, ya know, perceptions, so ya know.
Dave: I'm trying to finish. You have me inside you.
Mike: Dave just finished.
Dave: It's called... euphoria.
Mike: You call me premature, I just call it ecstasy. Alright, yeah, he jizzed in his pants. So, um, I guess the point of this entire blog is, is pretty much pointing out the fact that we may have a college education, at varying degrees, we also drink a lot of alcohol, which alters your ability to make judgement. At the end of the day... what we really are... is... poets. We witness our surroundings, we react to them, we are ultimately the masters of our time. We see what others do not see because we approach the world with a critical eye, and with that critical eye, we describe what it is like to come up, in a somewhat suburban neighborhood, Northeast Philadelphia, ya know what? We don't complain about our surroundings. We didn't come up hard. Ya know? We didn't have to struggle. but ya know what, we make the best of what we have. And ultimately, ultimately, our story, here on PoYB is not a story about economics, or struggle, or money, or fame, or fashion, or intimacy. Our story is a story of humanity. It is a core of people who come together, and realize the positivity they have, because we are social creatures. At Puke on Your Birthday is a place where we come together and express how we feel about each other. Good night.
Joe: What if this whole thing was not recorded at all?
Mike: Then we're fucked.
Joe: I'd kill myself.
Mike: I just gave a really cheesy outro. A really corny outro. There's no doubt about it.
Joe: If it was like, "Joe loves penis," that's not going on our blog.
Mike: I gave a really cheesy monologue.
Joe: Then it'll be on our blog. Cheese. American cheese. I'm bringing a pound of it back to school. Oh yeah. I don't even want to eat this cheese, I just want to fuck it.
Mike: From the drummer of Burholme to the guitarist of Burholme, and singer-songwriter, and lead man, and frontman...
Joe: And cock!
Mike: Lead cocksucker.
Joe: No, no, you don't suck cock. Cock sucks you. You're the cocksuckee.
Mike: Okay. Miss that shit. I have a little bit at school but, ya know.
Joe: I mean, everybody's gonna miss what they had in the past. It's all a part of growing up. Fucking blows. Like when we hang out on breaks.
Mike: If only Kev C***** played bass though. The things I would do to him... as a bassist.
Joe: It's gonna be a long day transcribing this shit.
Mike: What Mass you going to? [laughter]
