These are the things I think about...

Potato wedges are the french fries of giants.

Go Go Power Rangers!

above: Murderers? I think not!

An urban legend has been floating around campus that a Power Ranger is currently on death row. I was skeptical at first—how could my heroes be anything less than perfect angels even after their stint as hero was over? Alas, a quick google search of "power ranger death sentence" brings up a few thousand hits.

Supposedly, this dude named Skylar Deleon murdered a couple on a boat by tying them to the anchor and throwing them into the ocean. Unless the couple was Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, then this was a pretty deplorable thing to do. How could you, noble Ranger?

However, like all urban legends (see: Kel from Keenan & Kel dying, Steve from Blue's Clues being addicted to crack, etc.), this is convoluted at best. Yes, Deleon was on Power Rangers at one point, but he was not a Power Ranger. Rather, he was a random Kid #2 who showed up on a few random episodes. He never sat in the cockpit of the Megazord, he never fucked around with Alpha 5, and he sure as hell never put one fist against those foolhardy Putties.

Thank goodness! For a second there, I thought my entire childhood would turn into some cruel joke. My Rangers are pure of heart and strong in spirit. They would never murder for no reason. My Rangers are the good guys.

Which got me thinking... where are they now? The five original Rangers—Jason, Zack, Trini, Kimberly, Billy. Are they still out there wielding their Power Daggers and Power Axes, fighting Putties truckloads at a time? I (wikipedia) tried to see what these gallant young folk were up to in the 21st century.

1) Austin St. John a.k.a. JASON

Jason, like most actors of his kind, lives in the past. He spends his time doing Power Ranger specials (such as the 10th Anniversary Show: Forever Red), giving presentations at Power Ranger conventions, and hanging out with Zach. He also wrote the book Karate Warrior: A Beginner's Guide to Martial Arts, in which the only advice he gives, over and over, is "Just use that Power Coin of the Tyrannosaurus. No, seriously, that's all you have to do!"

2) Walter Jones a.k.a. ZACH

Zach has had minor success as a guest star on a variety of TV shows. And by minor success I mean he was on Family Matters that one time. He also starred in the movie Backyard Dogs which was about the backyard wrestling phenomenon, and which also—no joke—spent time as the lowest rated movie ever on IMBD. He most recently was featured in an episode of Age of Love on NBC. Yeah... I've never heard of that show either.

3) David Yost a.k.a. BILLY

Rough times have befallen the Power Rangers' resident nerd. I think the most humiliating part of Billy's career was the fact that he was demoted ON THE SHOW; he became the Rangers' "technical advisor" and they wouldn't let him wear his blue suit even when they were one Ranger short. Those fucking younger, newer Rangers didn't know how to treat their elders with respect, apparently. Post-Rangers, Billy raised $5000 for AIDS (reportedly by selling his Power Lance on eBay). Wikipedia claims he hopes to act again. We all know this will never happen.

4) Amy Jo Johnson a.k.a. KIMBERLY

Just like all the other Rangers, Kimberly went from wearing the uniform to starring in z-list movies on Sci-Fi to fading into oblivion, and.... wait, what was that? You're saying that Kimberly actually found success post-Rangers? Holy shit, it's true! You can find Kimberly on the new CBS hit police drama called Flashpoint. She is the star. I thought I'd never see the day.

5) Thuy Trang a.k.a. TRINI

May god bless her—Trini passed away in 2001. Perhaps a silver lining is that this saved her from having to participate in an endless cycle of "comebacks" in Power Rangers: Jungle Force and Power Rangers: Neo Zeo X-Force 12 that would have soon followed. Though the funeral was a private affair, Zordon showed up and gave the eulogy.

There you have it. The five original Power Rangers. None of them murderers, serial killers, or child molesters. I can sleep soundly tonight.

We've got hiiiiiiggggghhh hopes...

There's not much I can say about this that you're not all already thinking, but I'd like to relay my greatest memory of Harry, and one of my all-time greatest Phillies memories.

I was five years old when the Phillies made their '93 World Series run, so I have very scattered and incomplete memories. That being said, my understanding comes from a VHS tape we got recapping the entire season. I watched it at least once a month, and that's a conservative guess. One of my favorite parts was Harry, in the locker room singing "High Hopes."

I gonna miss that. My summer is never gonna feel the same. I'll always have the memories of those hot, sticky, summer nights on Higbee Street, with the front door wide open, with only the sounds of the crickets outside, and Harry Kalas describing what was unfolding in front of me so perfectly.

My Brief Forray into Online Dating

The following blog post was written by Joe K***, and reflects his thoughts and opinions during the time it was written. Looking back, he doesn’t stand by what he wrote anymore, for various reasons. Please read an explanation HERE. This blog post will remain published as more of a time capsule of how immature or wrongheaded I was. I do not agree with certain things that are written below. People change. I’ve changed. I am sorry.

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I forgot that I randomly joined an online dating site sometime in my past. Not that I'd ever consider dating someone online. I guess it was just something to do while I was bored.

I remembered about my account on OkCupid today. So I went on to see if anyone had messaged me. Since it had been months since I had been on the site, I was expecting a ton of mail asking me out and telling me I was cute, because, ya know, I'm kind of the epitome of male hotness.

But I only got one message. It reads: "lol...ur kinda cute...whats ur name?"

Okay, cool. Someone thinks I'm cute. Self-esteem raised.

And then...

Well, here's her picture:

I have deleted my account.

Classic PoYB

When PoYB was formed, some time ago, during the civil rights unrest of the 1930s, the humble bloggers were all about lists. We loved lists so much we made lists of them. Lists of lists. It was as grand as the great magenta sky on a cold, summer Ronday in Wayuary.

It is with great pleasure that I bring Hurl Upon Ye' Day-o'-Birth back to the tradition of lists.

Without any amount of ado larger than the ado I have already placed by your feet, the Top Three Albums that shaped me as a person.


3) Schizophrenic by JC Chasez

After a year's absence of making music with 'N Sync, Chasez collaborated with friend and producer Rob Boldt to write the song "Blowin' Me Up (with Her Love)" for the Drumline's movie soundtrack. This was his first solo single released in eight years. The album contains fifteen songs, all co-written and co-produced by Chasez, working with producers such as Rob Boldt, Basement Jaxx, and Rip Rock.

The album was commercially unsuccessful, but received some positive reviews and critical acclaim. Chasez intended to produce a record different in style from that commonly associated with 'N Sync; the result is demonstrated by songs like "Some Girls (Dance with Women)" and "All Day Long I Dream About Sex". The music is a mixture of dance/electronica, live strings and traditional rock and roll, with a 1980s vibe to it. The song "Come to Me" includes a sample of Corey Hart's 1983 hit "Sunglasses at Night".

To this day, "Some Girls Dance With Women" represents everything that is right with the world, according to this writer.

2) Fantasitc by Wham!

Fantastic was the debut album by British pop duo Wham!. Released on July 9, 1983, it reached #1 in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (UK) charts. It included the previously-released singles "Young Guns", "Wham! Rap" and "Bad Boys." "Club Tropicana" was also released as a single, as was "Club Fantastic Megamix."

Especially crucial during my pubescent years. This is Brit Pop at it's finest, before they got big. I can't imagine how many bitches George Michael sexxed up during this era.


1) Willenium, by Will Smith

Willennium produced a new string of hit singles. The first, "Wild Wild West," was originally released earlier in the year as part of the soundtrack to the film Wild Wild West. Although the film is considered to be a box office failure, the song managed to be a huge hit throughout the world, reaching #1 in the U.S. on July 24, 1999. The song also managed to reach Top 10 positions worldwide, including a #2 peak on the UK charts (where it was blocked by ATB's "9 PM (Till I Come)").

The follow-up single was the huge hit "Will 2K". The song was specifically created as a party song for New Year's Day of the new millennium. It features samples from the Clash's "Rock the Casbah" and references Prince's then-timely song "1999" with the lyrics, "Now we gonna party like it's nineteen... hold up, it is." It also pokes fun at the over-hyped Y2K. The song only reached #25 in the US chart but peaked at #2 on the UK charts (this time blocked by Robbie Williams's big-seller "She's the One/It's Only Us" Double-A sided single). The track also ranked at #32 on Blender's list of the "50 Worst Songs Ever". [1]

The blockbuster predecessor album, Big Willie Style, disappeared from the charts only two months before Willennium after enjoying an almost two-year chart run materialized on over nine million copies sold in the U.S. After such a huge hit, Willennium was received with big expectations from critics and general public. The album was released on November 16, 1999, on a very competitive week with other huge Christmas-seasoned releases. Willennium managed to reach #5 with a total of 187,000 copies sold in its debut week, being blocked by other big new releases as Korn's Issues (which debuted at #1 with 573,000 copies), Dr. Dre's Dr. Dre 2001 (#2 with 516,000 copies) and Celine Dion's All the Way... A Decade of Song (#3 with 302,000 copies sold). [2] It was the only time Smith managed to reach the Top 5 of the Billboard 200 list as a solo artist, and surpassing notoriously the #9 peak position of the multimillion-seller Big Willie Style.

During the following "millennium-themed" weeks, the album stayed at the Top 10, but on its sixth week on the charts it first missed it, and then fell very quickly from the charts as the interest due the fact the Y2K has been gone and the fact that Columbia didn't manage to produce new hit singles from the album (the third single, "Freakin' It" reached only #99 in the U.S. and #15 in the UK, first Smith single to fail the UK Top 3 as a solo artist). Falling very quickly through the list, the album disappeared from the whole Billboard 200 list on late June 2000 after enjoy a full 26 weeks of charting, a little more than a quarter compared with Big Willie Style. Similar reaction was the one from the UK, with the album reaching #10 and spending a poor 30 weeks at the chart compared to the 108 of Big Willie Style.

In all, Willennium sold only two million on the U.S. (being certified 2xPlatinum by the RIAA on December 17, 1999) and no more than four million worldwide. This is also less than a third compared with the sales of its predecessor. Despite the poor sales, Willennium was often considered a successful effort for Smith and a step forward on his creative output.

"The Rain" contains a sample of Denice Williams' "I Believe In Miracles."

"Can You Feel Me?" contains a sample of Michael Jackson's "Working Day and Night."

The track "The Rain" was ghostwritten by Common, credited as "Lynn Lonnie Rashid."


Finally, the album that made me respect black people. Gangsta rap, through and through.

DISCLAMIER: MANY DETAILS PROVIDED IN THIS ACCOUNT ARE FICTIONAL, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, ANY MENTION OF THE MONTH "WAYUARY" OR MY TOLERANCE OF WILD WILD WEST.

The End of an Era

What's more important, cancer research or underage drinking?

That's what the city of Philadelphia had to decide on this fateful day. While we here at PoYB wouldn't blink an eye at choosing the latter, Mayor Nutter has unfortunately snubbed the wishes of us forest-goers and has signed off on a plan to destroy our little slice of Burholme Park.

That's right. That means the firepit is no more.

Those dastardly money-burning villains at the Fox Chase Cancer Center have won. Here is a picture of their plans for our wooded haven:



Sure, the expanded facilities might save children with leukemia, but goddamn it, we were trying to save our childhood! They may spend all day with their test tubes and stem cells, but we spent all night with our Natty and our philly blunts! Doctor-patient confidentiality is nothing compared to the talks we had in the conference area of the woods! I'll take the dirt path and the charred pit over some spotlessly clean hospital hallway any fucking day of the week!

But it's all gone. The endless nights we spent together in the dark are all gone, to be replaced by a busy construction site, and later, a cold, lifeless building.

Gone.

Our children and our children's children will have to find some other hideout to break the law. 'Tis a sad day in our neighborhood, indeed.

So, goodbye Burholme Park. Goodbye, firepit. Goodbye, dirty stream filled with empties. Good, drunkenly-knocked-over trees. Goodbye, poison ivy. Goodbye, motherfuckers up at the Hut. Goodbye, stale stench of Lionshead on a cold wintery night. Goodbye, years and years of good times.

Goodbye.