Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tidbits: Confusion
Am I keeping PoYB alive, or driving it further into the depths of death? I wish people like Bono, Mick Jagger, the makers of CSI, and Charlie Sheen's addiction would ask themselves these questions.
Tidbits: White Lies
Does anybody have grandparents that actually give them Werther's Originals? I think that's just some shit TV made up like AIDS and Jim Belushi's career.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tidbits: Golden Age
I yearn for the good old days, when drinking at work and hitting women were considered equally acceptable. Now everyone's so goddamn proper.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tidbits: Mustaches, a Cautionary Tale
Tidbits is a column that I'll be adding to whenever the fuck I feel it is time to post shit. It'll probably be musings on the finer things in life such as wine, cheese, gourmet food, Danny Glover films, and penis jokes. Nothing stupid. Today's Tidbit is about one of the greatest things a man should never pull off. The mustache.
I wear a beard for one very good reason. I can't live up to a mustache. A beard is unassuming. A beard is welcoming. A beard is warm. A beard means you're a good man. A mustache means you're a great man. Great men have mustaches. Salvador Dali, Friedrich Nietzsche, Rollie Fingers, Burt Reynolds, John Wilkes Booth, at least one of the Village People. It's gotta be hard to live up to that. When you wear a mustache you set the bar so high. If you'll allow the first ever Puke on Your Birthday Pole Vaulting Analogy, wearing a beard is like setting the bar an inch above the leader. Wearing a mustache is like saying, "Fuck it, you did twelve feet, I'm going for nineteen and a half." Almost nobody can live up to that, which, if you'll allow the second ever Puke on Your Birthday Pole Vaulting Analogy, is why most mustache wearers ended up metaphorically impaling themselves on their pole vaulting pole.
I think it actually leads to pedophilia. I imagine two police constables talking to each other while booking a pedophile:
"What could this distinguished-looking gentleman possibly have done?"
"He touches children."
It must be so hard trying to live up to a mustache, and I guess they take it out on the kids.
I wear a beard for one very good reason. I can't live up to a mustache. A beard is unassuming. A beard is welcoming. A beard is warm. A beard means you're a good man. A mustache means you're a great man. Great men have mustaches. Salvador Dali, Friedrich Nietzsche, Rollie Fingers, Burt Reynolds, John Wilkes Booth, at least one of the Village People. It's gotta be hard to live up to that. When you wear a mustache you set the bar so high. If you'll allow the first ever Puke on Your Birthday Pole Vaulting Analogy, wearing a beard is like setting the bar an inch above the leader. Wearing a mustache is like saying, "Fuck it, you did twelve feet, I'm going for nineteen and a half." Almost nobody can live up to that, which, if you'll allow the second ever Puke on Your Birthday Pole Vaulting Analogy, is why most mustache wearers ended up metaphorically impaling themselves on their pole vaulting pole.
I think it actually leads to pedophilia. I imagine two police constables talking to each other while booking a pedophile:
"What could this distinguished-looking gentleman possibly have done?"
"He touches children."
It must be so hard trying to live up to a mustache, and I guess they take it out on the kids.
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