Grannies Gone Wild #40

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 36 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

 

Many thanks to my Reba sergeant-at-arms, Sunny, for doing the needed legwork last week and listing every joke in the episode. Or "joke," depending on whether you agree with the studio audience that any of this is funny. Maybe the audience members were liquored up or something.

In any case, I'm going to spend my post-episode-watching bliss today listing all the jokes in order from best joke to worst joke, in MY opinion (i.e. not the studio audience's opinion, which, if you're looking for an idea of that, then check out Sunny's post again, which lists the laughter level with each joke).

I don't plan on going too in-depth with any of these descriptions, since there are still a few I want to devote entire blog posts to, but I'll definitely give some type of pithy remark for each of the jokes at this time. 

 

Every Joke in "Grannies Gone Wild," Listed from Best to Worst

1. Judge regretting his career. — Every single person in the cast and crew of Reba was regretting their career choice because it led them to work on a show in which Stephen Tobolowsky was not playing a main character.

2. Judge "baaaaailif Ron." — It is CRIMINAL how sparse the laughter is from the audience on this line. CRIMINAL. Lock all those motherfuckers up.

3. Brock adjusting wig. — It's the little things, ain't it?

4. Reba "That's when you sprout at Barbara Jean." — I'm more impressed than tickled, that this joke can land as well as it does for me without being able to reference the four and a half years of Barbara Jean that came before it. It's the type of joke that typically needs to be earned, and yet I see it as earned anyway, even though I have never seen Reba and Barbara Jean even interact. Plus, the sing-song-y way Reba splits up the syllables in "Barbara Jean" always gets a slight nod of appreciation from me.

5. Brock's assertion that dentists help ppl referencing gingivitis video. — Yesterday, ad nauseam.

6. BJ "1536?" Judge "Let me say it." — Excellent line readings from both parties. In a perfect world, Melissa Peterman and Stephen Tobolowsky are A-list celebrities with a whole string of blockbuster comedies together.

7. Nursing home employee and Dickie altercation. — dickie no, no dickie no, no dickie, u-turn, no dickie, dickie no dickie, no no dickie, u-turn dickie, no no u-turn no dickie, no dickie dickie dickie, no dickie no dickie no no no

8. BJ's white thunder and school play stories. — I love how Barbara Jean, in her mind, draws a line between explanation ("We went 11-0") and payoff ("and that's how I got the nickname...") and in her mind it makes total sense, but everyone else, including me, is confused, but no one gives enough of a fuck to ask.

9. Van "she's probably setting up a wet shawl contest by now." — This is one of only two Van appearances in the Top 20, and it's exclusively due to the fact that "wet shawl contest" is a pretty funny turn of phrase, and plus this list is very bottom-heavy anyway.

10. Brock stumbling in. — Brock's old-person makeup is really the only one that looks visually appropriate. Van and Cheyenne look like young people in old person makeup. Brock looks fucking old.

11. Brock's speech that he will fight deadly gum disease, and win. — Something I forgot to mention yesterday is that gingivitis is pretty easily curable.

12. Van "Won't be you 'cause you'll be dead" — It's not even that funny, but it's so brutally mean to wish your father-in-law dead to his face that I can't help but admire it.

13. Circus recapturing Barbara Jean. — You can tell that Reba Hart is making this joke out of love. Right? Probably my biggest regret in picking this episode is that we'll never see Reba and BJ go toe-to-toe.

14. Brock dies. — Overplayed in just the right way, including a desperate last-second motion of the hand toward the light that he's seeing.

15. Brock "Can't wait to see what would make someone give up the dental dream." — I think it's the alliteration of "dental dream" that makes me enjoy this one.

16. Cheyenne calls for Jake. — "I think Van died" is what she says, minutes after Cheyenne and Jake's own father also dies. Preposterous. I love it.

17. BJ "did you say 1536" Judge "no." — Just the perfect balance of annoyance and confusion on JST's part.

18. Brock "want the guys here to know you're taken." — It's only funny because Brock yells this as if there are hoards of thirsty guys surrounding his wife, when in reality it's literally just Carl, sitting there, minding his own business.

19. Cheyenne saying she hung up the cell phone, character reactions. — It made me start to question my own reality; were cell phones really popular enough in 2005 to make this joke? I guess so.

20. Reba's reaction to 120 temp. — It's funny because this is very first line of dialogue Reba has in the episode. She is completely silent for the entire Van-making-breakfast bit.

21. Van "inspirational butt sayings." — Bad joke, good line reading, good emphasis on the word "BUTT"

22. BJ's from car call "justice waits for no one". — Imagine Barbara Jean sitting in her car, doing her makeup, and just planning the perfect one-liner to yell out to her husband as he hangs out with his ex-wife. And this is what she comes up with.

23. Judge and BJ sidebar. — The humor is in the pregnant pauses.

24. BJ "ah ah ah, call me by my number..." — I am still convinced that BJ is overwhelmingly dominate in the bedroom. Brock's safe word is "dental dream."

25. Old Jake intimates thermometer sodomy. — Revenge is a dish best served reheated after 60+ years.

26. Cheyenne tearfully giving waterproof mascara seminar. — I wish I knew anything well enough to give an impromptu hour-long lecture about it while crying.

27. Wheelchair trips Brock. — "Only 70 jokes in the script so far? We gotta pump those numbers UP, baby!! Let's have a random wheelchaired extra injure Brock, whaddaya say?!"

28. Ten-year plan to save for our own place, Reba "Ten Year?!" — This has to be a running joke, right? The audience laughs even before Reba does the spit-take!

29. Cheyenne "See Florence? Slimming." — What is slimming about this? I'm being sincere. I know nothing about fashion.

30. BJ "I declare a mistrial!" — This sounds like a less funny version of something that Charlie Kelly would say, just spouting random laywer-ish terms.

31. Cheyenne on Biology class not having anything to do with life — we get it we get it we get it Cheyenne is dumb okay fine sure

32. Reba "You're just a glorified toothbrush." — The Reba vitriol has sharper teeth when it's directed toward her ex-husband (pun totally avoidable).

33. Judge "Unfortunately it's not deaf." — I'm picturing Kenny Bania coming up with this joke. "Get it, Jerry? Deaf! Justice is deaf! It's GOLD, Jerry!"

34. Patrice "Errol Flynn!" — I've probably written about this joke too much already, but here's another weird thing about it—why does Patrice all of a sudden look scared of Brock/Errol after she drops her line? Just bad acting? Or is she really Errol Flynn's widow and she suddenly flashes back to all of the domestic violence that occurred when he was alive?

35. Mother Teresa lip gloss exchange between Van and Cheyenne. — I do like how every character in this episode at one point says "ha ha Van" sarcastically, acknowledging that Van is overwhelmingly unfunny.

36. Visual opening to stinger of Old Van. — Just terrible makeup work. Probably purposefully terrible, but still.

37. Cheyenne "What does ditzy even mean?" — You're better than this, Cheyenne.

38. Van "One day?" — Sick burn, bro.

39. BJ "wore my lucky bra." — Prove it.

40. Cheyenne "It is so cool the tragedy that is your life can help others." — Just picturing the scriptwriters patting themselves on the back for this one.

41. Jake "I'm going to school!" — Mitch Holleman: "But it's in my contract! I'm only to deliver one joke per episode! If you don't like it, then you have to talk to my agent!"

42. Brock's assertion that his internship is also volunteer work. — Capitalist pig.

43. Nursing home employee "Oh great you're here to take her home" / "And then you'll take her home?" — This fucking guy.

44. Nursing home employee "Ok, now will you take her home?" — I think I might hate this guy more than Van.

45. Cheyenne "That lipstick is really going to show off your teeth when you put them in." — A below-the-belt cheap shot against old people.

46. Van sneezes into Reba's breakfast. — There's a "Grannies Gone Wild" somewhere that is actually a porno, and in that parody, Van cums on Reba's breakfast.

47. Nursing home employee "And it's like Grannies Gone Wild around here." — THE MONEY SHOT

48. Van dies. — Not as satisfying as all the deaths of Van that I see in my dreams.

49. Van "we're here not to push you in any one direction." — Van has such a low fucking opinion of his wife, jesus fucking christ I can't stand it.

50. Brock & Van re: workin' it and thongs. — Two creeps creeping on old people and pretending that it doesn't turn them on.

51. Nursing home employee "Top to... saggy bottom." — Three of the four old ladies that are "dolled up" are relatively tall and I would bet that their bottoms don't sag as much as other bottoms in the senior center.

52. Van "I liked her hot and ditzy." — Fucking scum. In any normally functioning relationship, this would be legitimate grounds for divorce. I guess they do things different in Texas.

53. Van "I think I soiled myself." — The normal reaction to shitting one's pants should always be GETTING UP IMMEDIATELY AND GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO CLEAN YOURSELF UP.

54. Van telling Jake to bend over. — The audience cracks up when they see the fear in poor Jake's eyes. Truly dystopian.

55. BJ "what if some guy looked at me and you beat him with a chair and then I was on your jury." — Barbara Jean's underwear is soaked.

56. Van "not storming off." — Van has the tiniest micropenis on earth.

57. Cheyenne "the whole place was crawling with them." — Don't kowtow to your husband's fucked up sensibilities about old people!

58. Character reactions to Cheyenne's disexcitement, incl. Van shocked face 2. — Why are you the only one making this face? Because you are the only person in the room with an IQ lower than a pineapple.

59. Van "...You? Well forgive me Mrs. H but I find that ironic." — Pure evil.

60. Cheyenne wearing workin' it pants and Van's reaction. — What is this, the fourth "workin' it" joke in the episode? Imagine making the same unfunny joke four times in 20 minutes.

61. BJ "No this loser is 1536." — It's hard to imagine that there are people this arrogant and rude living among us, but it's true.

62. Van "we're signing you up for a ceramics class Grandma." — "Van, if you are going to keep making asshole comments about me, then you can move out of my fucking house!"

63. Van shocked face 4. — Imagine making the same "Imagine making the same unfunny joke four times" comment twice in one blog post.

64. Van "...insane!" — Reba! Wake up to reality! You're son-in-law is an asshole! Please grab him by the throat and squeeze next time he interrupts you!

65. Van "I think nature takes care of that honey." — I guess it tracks that Van is obsessed with death in the episode that he dies. Still doesn't make it right to wish death upon old people.

66. Van disgust face. — We get it, bro. You hate old people. Relax, asshole.

67. BJ "My boob just popped out of my lucky bra." — That Bailiff Ron is a tricky guy.

68. Van "It's stupid." — I love how this isn't even a joke but the audience laughs nervously anyway. Shouldn't the audience be trained to not laugh at ANYTHING Van is saying by this point? Why is it the opposite? Why are they laughing at things that aren't even supposed to be a joke? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!

69. Cheyenne "someone has got to do something about these old people." — Just don't ask your husband. You're not going to like his answer.

70. BJ "my favorite part, is the order." — Boot licker!

71. Van bashing school counselors. — Wow, this audience really hates school counselors. They're clapping! Must be part of the G.O.P. agenda to dismantle public education.

72. Van's shocked face segment 1. — Don't make that face too much or it'll stay that way.

73. Van coughing "baloney." — What are you, twelve?

74. Grannies reveal. — Fuck everyone who thinks this is funny.

75. Van "You storm off like a girl!" — And you act like a fucking sexist pig, you asshole.

76. Van shocked face 3 ("Durhrh?!"). — FUCK VAN.

77. Van smacking his lips for sex. — This will haunt my nightmares until I draw my final breath. Only death will save me from the awful vision of Old Van getting horny with a load of hot shit in his pants. The only thing I ask of you is that you murder me soon to bring me peace.

Never Seen It, #78 of 200: The Great Muppet Caper

Gonna karate chop this list of 200 never-seen movies in half: hiiiii-yah!!!!!!

The Great Muppet Caper

1981

Jim Henson

I don't think it's a stretch to say that The Muppet Movie is one of the greatest films of all time. There's just something magical about the balancing act of both acknowledging that you are creating a movie and also making the case that creating a movie is an endeavor worthy of pursuit. The Muppets have their cake and eat it too. It's so meta that it loops back around and justifies its own existence. I fucking love it.

Because movies really are awesome, aren't they? If they weren't, I wouldn't be doing this project. I'd be watching reruns of The Office or some shit like that instead. But here we are, considering the art of film. If I had to name one movie that made the case that "movies are magical," then The Muppet Movie is the one, easily.

So it would make sense that I'd like its sequel, right? Well, yes and no. The trick The Muppet Movie pulls seems to be a trick they can only pull once. But it is the Muppets, after all, so maybe The Great Muppet Caper can capture some of the brilliant whimsy that the original did? If anyone can, it's these furry creatures.

Hmm. I guess if I were to describe the plot, then it might seem like the Muppets are taking a step farther in the direction of meta-weirdness. If The Muppet Movie is telling the story about how the Muppets came to make movies, then The Great Muppet Caper is the second movie that the Muppets made. But in actuality, it loses something in the sequel, in terms of the "meta" of it all. The first movie was a movie about making a movie about making a movie about making a movie and so on forever. The second movie is just a movie that they made.

Oh sure, there is plenty of fourth-wall-breaking, but those are in service of the jokes. The plot of The Great Muppet Caper is... well, it's pretty boring. It's your standard jewel thief action mystery, á la James Bond. There's no Muppetsian twist. As an homage to "classic film," it's fine. As a Muppet movie, it's lackluster.

(At least something like A Muppet Christmas Carol, which we've already talked about as a "play within a play," told a truly classic tale within its meta humor. But maybe the comparison is unfair.)

I know I'm not the first person to make this criticism (e.g. Ebert), that this is a boilerplate movie that happens to involve Muppets. I mean, when I put it that way, it doesn't really feel right either. It feels to harsh. There was plenty of joy to be found in The Great Muppet Caper. But it was missing the magic. The joy came from the jokes, but the magic is supposed to come from somewhere else.

I think The Great Muppet Caper was aware of that, and took some strides to recapture the magic that the first film had in spades. Remember how fucking MAGICAL it was when Kermit the Frog rode a goddamn bicycle?! Well, then look what we did here—ALL of the Muppets are riding bicycles at the SAME TIME. You can see how that might be diminishing returns.

It just seems like technical proficiency is prioritized over heart throughout this film. Sure, the sequence with Miss Piggy's water spectacle was visually stunning, but I'd choose Frank Oz's shaky bad-on-purpose Missy Piggy ballad in The Muppet Movie in a fucking heartbeat. Again: in the second film, it's just a regular film with Muppets, but in the first film, no one besides the Muppets could do it. (And don't even get me started on the creepy as FUCK five-second shot of a full-body Miss Piggy leaving the café.)

I think the most disappointing aspect to this filmwatching experience is that it was the first time I realized that the Muppets can't just hang everything on the outlandish gags. I guess I assumed they could, but they can't. There were so many laughs in this film—the "twins" running gag, Beauregard crashing through the hotel—but it wasn't enough for me to say that this is a GOOD movie. That's a bummer. It's like finding out that Santa Claus isn't real. You're telling me that the Muppets can't do it all, all the time? Bummer, bummer, bummer.

I still had fun, but I didn't feel that familiar glow that the very best Muppet productions instill within me. Oh well.

GRADE: 2.5 pukes out of 5

NEXT TIME: There are a few Stephen King adaptations on this list, and here comes The Green Mile. As far as I know, it's one of the better adaptations of his work, but we'll see.

Grannies Gone Wild #39

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 35 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

 

Two separate but related jokes, both spouting from the same subject source, both respectively hinging on the specific choice of one specific word used. Let's get dental.

Joke #9: Referencing the gingivitis video.

Specific wording: "You don't think dentists help people? Yeah, guess it's time to show you the gingivitis video again!"

With crucial wording bolded: "You don't think dentists help people? Yeah, guess it's time to show you the gingivitis video again!"

 

Discussion: There is a less funny version of this joke that goes something like, "You don't think dentists help people? I guess I should show you a gingivitis video!" But what's specifically funny about what Brock says is the implication that there is a specific gingivitis video that he is referring to, and that he has already made Cheyenne (and probably Jake and Scarlett too) watch the video.

It's 2005, so already we're trending a little too early for online videos, so I'm thinking this is a VHS affair. I also don't think that Brock is showing his kids this video post-divorce, and if we are assuming that he breaks up with Reba and gets together with BJ in or around the pilot episode (wait, are we assuming this? or did those events happen pre-series?), then maybe he's showing the kids "the gingivitis video" around 2000 at the latest. Probably more like the '90s. Definitely a VHS tape.

I suppose the word "gingivitis" is in itself pretty funny. Like, it's a disease, but it sounds like a fancy spice one might use in a Hungarian dish or something. I could see the word alone carrying the load in a one-liner. I'm just saying that the specifics of Brock's implication that he has already forced dental knowledge onto his children is the actual funny part. Not even to mention the fact that, up until this point, Cheyenne wanted to become a dentist herself, so obviously the VHS tapes made some kind of impression on her.

Joke #11: Brock's speech that he will fight deadly gum disease. and win.

Specific wording: "And after that, I am gonna go to the office, where I will help people fight deadly gum disease... and win!"

With crucial wording bolded: "And after that, I am gonna go to the office, where I will help people fight deadly gum disease... and win!"

 

Discussion: This definitely builds off of the previous gingivitis joke, but adds another layer. You know how I said that the word "gingivitis" sounds funny, just as a word? Well, now Brock is clarifying that this silly word is not just a disease, but a deadly disease. The humor is derived from the tension between how serious Brock is taking it and how everyone else is taking it (see also: "glorified toothbrush").

I mean, to the dentally uneducated, it sounds like an exaggeration, right? My first question about this joke (okay, fine, my like 945th question) was: wait, is gingivitis actually deadly? The answer, as it appears after some extremely cursory googling, is that YES, gingivitis can be deadly under some circumstances.

Gingivitis is a gum disease, just as Brock describes in his pre-exit hollering. And if you think about it, it makes sense that the gums are intimately connected to the cardiovascular system, what with all the blood flowing through the gums and into (around?) the teeth or at least the tooth cavities (requisite reiteration that my research was obscenely cursory). So it tracks that if your gums are infected, then maybe that infection is going to have a pathway to your heart. Right? It's not that gingivitis is a death sentence, but one thing can definitely lead to another.

And weirdly, this can be funny too. It's like when your friends tells you not to laugh and you can't stop laughing because they told you not to laugh. Gingivitis is not funny and should not be taken lightly, but because Brock is so huffy about it and is yelling about it in a Texas doorway right before he gets road head from his second wife on the way to the courthouse, it BECOMES funny and you can't HELP but take it lightly.

Wait, what "gingivitis video"?

I didn't find any videos that satisfy all the criteria, but here are some that meet at least one of the criteria for possible videos that Brock showed his children.

This video feels right in spirit (i.e. it's educational) but there's no way it was made before like 2013 at the earliest:

These videos were definitely made in the '90s (by Pixar! directed by sexual abuser John Lasseter!), and while they are slightly informative, they are definitely commercials for a product that happens to treat gingivitis, among other diseases:

And this feels like the closest in terms of what Brock might actually show his kids (it's made by the American Dental Association), but it wasn't made until 2005. True, this episode aired on (and ostensibly takes place on) November 11, 2005, so technically Brock could've shown his kids the video earlier in the year, and he wouldn't be a liar when he said "again." But it does feel unlikely that he'd be showing his 20-something daughter a gingivitis video while she's raising her child with her husband at Brock's ex-wife's house (on top of the fact that I assume his middle child, Scarlett, has been on the lam for most of the year, and so when would he have the opportunity to show her the video?):

 

Regardless, I am cursed for the rest of my life to think about Brock Hart and his goddamn gingivitis video every single time I go to the dentist for a teeth cleaning for the rest of my wretched life.

Top Five Tuesday: 2022 in Music (So Far)

none of these artists made the cut but I thought
the graphic was cool so I stole it

Same caveat as last year: I've been exploring a lot more pre-2022 music than 2022 music this year. By all accounts, this year has been an excellent year for music, and it's not like I'm here to disavow anyone of that notion. But my head has been elsewhere. The history of music is so vast and so deep that I could honestly spend every second of my year checking out older albums if I wanted to (unless it's Stranger Things that is telling me to listen to that old music, in which case I'm gonna draw the line).

And it's not like I've been completely ignorant of certifiably new music—I've still familiarized myself with a little less than 60 albums that came out this year so far. I assume that is more than the average music listener, but far less than the average internet-dwelling indiehead musiophile. It's enough, in any case, to form a quick Top Five list here at the midway point of the year. As always, take it with a grain of salt, that this isn't meant to be a picture of 2022 music in toto, but rather a brief snapshot of the music that I, Joe K***, have liked so far this year.

Top Five Favorite Albums of 2022 So Far

5. sore thumb by Oso Oso

It's not the only album on this short list that exists as it does because of a death, but it's the only one that features the deceased on guitar. sore thumb was originally a collection of demos for Oso Oso's next album, but after Tavish Maloney's tragic passing, they became the album. To my ears, these don't seem like demos. They seem like a message of hope from the beyond.

4. It's Almost Dry by Pusha T

It's just nice to hear someone create art about what they know. If we are to take him at his word, then Pusha T knows a lot about selling cocaine. I appreciate being welcomed into that world for 40 minutes at a time.

3. Wet Leg by Wet Leg

How's this for a pitch, Part A: what if post-punk, but female? How's this for a pitch, Part B: what if the best post-punk album of the year by far?

2. angel in realtime. by Gang of Youths

If you thought it couldn't get any more heart-on-sleeve anthemic than 2017's Go Farther in Lightness, well then you haven't heard angel in realtime., which acts as both a torchbearer for the National / Arcade Fire fist-in-the-air-type anthems and also as a true-to-life document about family secrets revealed. David Le'aupepe's account of what happened in the wake of his father's life via the most cathartic music of the year—it's like a world-spanning treasure hunt that yields endless bounty.

1. Ants from Up There by Black Country, New Road

Okay, so this isn't a death, per se, but losing your mesmerizing, baritone-chested, enigmatic frontman during the release cycle of your best and most critically acclaimed album so far, even if he's not actually dead, just retired or whatever... that's gotta hurt. But in a weird way, it's twisted the core meaning of the album from a homecoming to a farewell. Either way, it's still a celebration. I have no idea if BC,NR can come back from this. I don't even know if they need to.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Endless Rooms by Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever for its ability to surprise while still remaining consistent; Everything Was Beautiful by Spiritualized for finally lifting off; 40 oz. to Fresno by Joyce Manor because big things come in small packages; plus all the albums I already wrote about and are worthy of a top-ten consideration: Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe in You by Big Thief, New Preoccupations by Caracara, WE by Arcade Fire, (watch my moves) by Kurt Vile, and Open Bar by Pkew Pkew Pkew.

Grannies Gone Wild #38

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 34 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

joke xiii: So I hung up the phone and I thought to myself...

[ring ring]

Cheyenne: Hi, is Monica there?

Monica: This is she.

Cheyenne: Hey, it's Cheyenne. From the meeting the other night?

Monica: Oh hey! Thanks for calling. Is everything okay?

Cheyenne: Yeah, I'm actually in my car right now,  but I don't know. You said it was okay to call you if I was having any... feelings I guess...

Monica: Oh definitely. We're all in this together, Cheyenne. That's why we go to group every day. We support each other. I'm here for you. Tell me what's up.

Cheyenne: Okay, so I'm on my way back home from class. I think I has an existential crisis of sorts.

Monica: You said you're in school to be a dentist, right?

Cheyenne: Yeah, and one of the required classes is biology. I hate it, Monica. I was never the best student in high school—too much partying, you know how the story goes—but this community college class makes me feel a whole different kind of useless.

Monica: Right, right. And so tell me what the reaction to that is...

Cheyenne: Drinking of course. It's not like I used to drink when I felt stupid. It's that I drink when I feel useless. Pointless. Like what I'm doing is pointless, more accurately.

Monica: Biology?

Cheyenne: Yes. How ironic is it that the subject that has to do with "life" is the subject that is making me question my own?

Monica: Pretty astute observation.

Cheyenne: My mom would think I'm too stupid to get the irony, but again, you already heard that story at the meeting.

Monica: Yeah.

Cheyenne: I just feel like a ship without a rudder. The only reason I'm even taking this class is my dad is a dentist. It's not even like I am in love with the idea. Plus, you see how that worked out for my dad.

Monica: Refresh my memory?

Cheyenne: He divorced my mom to marry his secretary.

Monica: Right. That must have been tough for you and your siblings

Cheyenne: I don't speak to my sister ever since she disappeared on the same day as my son. And I'm not really close with my brother.

Monica: Okay, so you just left bio class.

Cheyenne: And now all I'm thinking about is having a drink. I just feel so useless, and drinking was really the only thing that ever filled that void for me.

Monica: Have you ever talked to your husband about this?

Cheyenne: Occasionally. He'll act like he understands but he doesn't. How could he? Van was an all-state quarterback and he earned that while drinking three days a week since he was fifteen years old! He doesn't GET it.

Monica: But I mean do you talk to him about why you drink?

Cheyenne: I guess. He's just so wrapped up in me getting a high-paying job now so we can move out of my mom's place that I don't think he really gets it. Did you know that most nights I'll come home and Van is drinking a beer? Right in front of me.

Monica: It doesn't sound like he's all that good at active listening.

Cheyenne: True. He doesn't get me, and doesn't care. He would never understand how I feel about dental school. He's just worried about himself. Meanwhile, I just know my dad is going to ask me to work with him at his office any day now, and I'm dreading it. I don't want to be a dentist.

Monica: Look... I just want to confirm with you that you aren't planning on drinking right now.

Cheyenne: No. I'm not gonna lie, the thought crossed my mind a few times during Bio 101, but I'm feeling better now that I'm talking to you

Monica: I'm glad. I know you're relatively new and don't have a sponsor yet, so in the meantime, feel free to call me anytime.

Cheyenne: It's just nice having someone to talk to. Or maybe vent to. I'm sorry for venting.

Monica: Don't apologize! It doesn't feel like you're getting the support you need at home. And between the husband, the stressful home life, the career plan crisis, not to mention the active police investigation into the disappearance of your toddler child... honestly I'm surprised I didn't hear from you sooner.

Cheyenne: Thanks.

Monica: What's your plan? Are you going to tell your husband and family about quitting dental school?

Cheyenne: Not yet. I'm definitely going to quit. I just want to make sure I have a backup plan first. And honestly at this point I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Monica: I don't think you owe anyone anything. Take your time to work on yourself. And in the meantime, call me anytime you have any urges. You can do this, Cheyenne. Be brave.

Cheyenne: Thanks so much Monica. I really appr— OH MY GOD SHIT!

Monica: Cheyenne? Are you still there? What happened? Cheyenne?!

Cheyenne: oh my god

Monica: Cheyenne?

Cheyenne: Monica, I'm so sorry, I have to go

Monica: What happened? Are you okay?

Cheyenne: I almost just hit a little old lady with my car. Oh my god. I have to go.

Monica: Call me later!

[click]

A Year of Blind Spots: Headquarters

A bit of insider-baseball talk re: how I pick the albums for this column, typically. This is before I randomize a list of 50 albums. In compiling that preliminary list, I'm thinking such thoughts as "Hmm, I'm not familiar enough with the Monkees, maybe I should add an album of theirs." Then I'll go on a site such as Best Ever Albums and see what is ranked as #1 according to their criteria (occasionally double-checking with old random classic rock blogs to see if they concur). I know it's maybe not the best practice, to start with the "best," and go from there, but it seems to be working for Year of Blind Spots, and I'm sticking with it.

Headquarters was, and is, considered the "best" Monkees album, and so here we are. But that leads to the question: why do people consider this particular album the best Monkees album? The answer is only clear when you do a little side reading. The music itself is serviceable late-'60s Beatles-influenced lightly-psychedelic rock music. I'm not utterly taken by it, but it has its moments, and is pleasant enough that I foresee a few more spins over the summer.

But the hook for Headquarters is that this is the first Monkees album that was entirely created by the Monkees themselves. Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Davy Jones had become frustrated with the fact that they were just pretty faces singing the music that other people wrote (and occasionally not even performing, but rather miming along to the music played by session musicians). These were talented dudes, and they felt their talent was being wasted, and so they wrested control of the Monkees from management, and created Headquarters.

I don't think it's a stretch to hypothesize that this is the sole reason that Headquarters is considered the "best" Monkees album. There's a lot of value placed on the idea of an artists creating his/her/their own music. You can bet your ass that if Beyoncé ever wrote and performed an entire album's worth of songs by herself, that would be the advertising campaign. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having 30-40 collaborators; good music is good music. I'm just saying that we as a society tend to value art that is self-made. To say "they made this" is a compliment.

The Monkees are still a blind spot for me, since I didn't really read about or listen to anything throughout their history besides this one specific album and one specific point in their careers. It's an important one, though. Headquarters is the sound of boilerplate '60s pop rock, but it is also the sound of artists controlling their own destiny for the first time. That alone elevates the art.

Grannies Gone Wild #37

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 33 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

I think Sunny mentioned at one point how the term "grannies gone wild" must have been on a dry-erase board in the Reba writers room at some point, and this episode came into existence as a (poor) excuse to use the phrase. I don't know if there is any legitimacy to that theory, but it feels right, ya know? It would explain the old people hate that pervades the episode at least, since most of the characters being disgusted by senior citizens retroactively justifies the use of the titular phrase.

I would even go a step further and say that this entire episode was cobbled together from disparate white board ideas. "Hmm, maybe we could use the 'Barbara Jean in court' idea in this episode too? Would it fit?" Because, when you get right down to it, the A-plot and the B-plot have very little to do with each other. The only character to appear in both is Brock, who does a lot of driving around town all morning for a dentist (ex-wife's house to courthouse to senior home, dude don't you have any cavities to fill?). Otherwise, these are two completely different stories.

That's not necessarily indicative of a "bad" episode of television. On the contrary, some of the best television programs features multiple storylines that might not necessarily cross paths literally, but that are wrapped up together thematically. Think about all those years of Better Call Saul when Saul and Mike and Nacho had literally nothing to do with each other, but how the episodes hung together anyway because all the seemingly distinct plotlines featured the same themes.

So if we are considering whether "Grannies Gone Wild" is a good episode of television—and, 33 viewings into it, I still don't really know if that's what I'm supposed to be doing or not—then we should perhaps see if we can consider Plot A and Plot B simultaneously. Do they share a theme? Is this episode of television telling a cohesive message? Or is it just a bunch of ideas thrown in a hat and pulled out indiscriminately?

Let's be optimistic today. Let's advocate for the devil and say definitively that yes, "Grannies Gone Wild" has one theme that is threaded through both plotlines. That theme is:

Thinking about others before you think about yourself. Putting others' needs above your own.

We see it in the Van/Cheyenne conflict. Cheyenne finds inner peace in putting Flo/Ira/Ladies' needs first, and selflessly helping them, while Van creates an inner turmoil for himself by being blinded by his own needs for money and a selfish autonomy. We see it with Barbara Jean, who makes it clear that she wants nothing more than to serve on a jury, but she really embarrasses herself by focusing on her senseless desire—she unnecessarily steals herself a seat, won't let Abigail or Carl or anyone else speak, is in contempt of the court, and basically screams "rape!" when Bailiffs Ron and Bron forcibly remove her. Think about how smoothly things would have gone had she focused on justice and proper courtroom procedure and upholding democracy instead of living out her own Law & Order fantasy.

While I truly do not believe that this episode was constructed by the scriptwriters to be thematically cohesive in this way, it's nice to consider that maybe it's cohesive anyway. I can imagine, 98 episodes into a series run, things start to fall into a groove/rut, maybe you start phoning it in to a degree. I get that. But one could hope against hope that this thing that we've hung our entire goddamn summer on is not that, is not some tossed-off piece of garbage. I hope and I pray that "Grannies Gone Wild" is meant to be something more. That it tells a strong two-pronged story of a need for empathy, and is not just a random collection of poop and butt and anal jokes. If I let myself believe the latter, then it's gonna be a long three months.

Album of the Week: shvt vp and enjoy the weather

Probably about one-third of the way through summer right now. How's everyone doing so far? Hanging in there? Did you start that big summer project? Did you make time to relax around a pool? Protest in the name of your rights that have been taken away from you by the christian extremists? Have you found your Song of the Summer? Let Record Club help you with that last one. Sit back, close your eyes, and queue up the latest RC album. Read through the archives if you want, check out the goals (no pressure!), write a little bit if that relaxes you, but yeah man, just chill and enjoy your summer in the best way possible—music. Let's go.

WEEK 178 — June 26-July 2, 2022

What we're listening to this week (Zach's pick):

ALBUM: shvt vp and enjoy the weather

ARTIST: Magic Toaster

RELEASED: December 1, 2021

LOCATION: Ann Arbor, Michigan

WHAT GENRE IS THIS: Bandcamp says: alternative, pop punk, alternative rock, garage rock, indie rock, power pop, psychedelic rock... so basically, rock

WHY ZACH PICKED IT: "My brother's friend came out with something and is curious what kind of response he would get. He's not particularly famous, but I happen to think his album is pretty good."

TRACKLIST:

1. blue night oberon
2. bushwick
3. you're gonna be fine
4. windfall outboy
5. tourmaline
6. banger supreme
7. pong loser
8. whiskey at the club
9. saturday nite
10. a lifting of the haze

LENGTH: 36:45

WHERE TO LISTEN FOR FREE: Bandcamp

READING SOME SHIT: Not a whole lot! It doesn't help that Google insists that when I search "magic toaster" I really mean "brave little toaster." The only thing I could find was this blurb for a Magic Toaster concert this Friday. In a different world, we're all going to that concert to celebrate another successful week of Record Club, but, only speaking for me personally, I don't think I'm at the point in my life that I could reasonably travel to New York City to see a concert on a Friday night.

PREVIOUSLY ON RECORD CLUB: This reads to me like it's going to be similar to Hidden Things, both because of the (assumed) NY-rock-n-roll feel of it, and also because they both were picked by the album picker because they personally knew the artist. Though maybe the NY of it all is a façade—Magic Toaster, like Vulfpeck, is actually from Ann Arbor. So we'll see!

 

Otherwise, it's pretty cool to feature an artist in this club that I'm sure most of us (if not all of us) have never even heard of. I like when that happens. This will be the 23rd time it's happened for me in the past 178 weeks. How about you?

Happy listening, fam! Have a great week!

The Record Club Final Word: Pam on Read My Mind

If you pick an album for Record Club, you will get an "exit survey" on Friday afternoon, after the reviews have been published. This isn't to add more to your workload; I instead just want to provide space for the album picker to have the final say, if they feel like they need some sort of closure on the week. It's totally and completely optional. Not gonna lie, though, I made it clear that it was mandatory for Pam. It's one of the gifts of being married to a megalomaniac blogger of a husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Was there anyone who convinced you to consider a different opinion regarding the album itself? Nah. I think everyone's takes on Reba were pretty similar to mine.

2. Was there anyone who you felt did a good/bad job at presenting their own views, regardless of whether you agreed with said views? I thought everyone did a good job presenting their views. 

3. Were the reviews varied, or did this album elicit same-y opinions? What about that album made that true? Or do you think that this answer is reviewer-dependent and not album-dependent? I think all of the opinions were mostly the same, including mine. This is a Reba McEntire album that exists that is totally fine. I did like the fact that on one end we had Kai, who had never even heard of Reba, and then on the other end were Joe and Sunny, who have been getting intimately acquainted with one small slice of Reba this summer via "Grannies Gone Wild," and still the opinions were mostly the same. 

4. Did the variety of reviews justify the album choice? Would you choose a different album (yes/no) based on the reviews received? I might have chosen a different album if I thought more people would write reviews OR if I knew a little more about Reba and there was a better, more fun album of hers. I chose Read My Mind based on a Google search of "what is Reba McEntire's best album?" I did not verify the credibility of the site from which I chose haha.

5. What can Record Club do differently to make your RC experience (especially as a weekly captain) a worthwhile one? More female artists! 

6. Any other takeaways you have from this experience? For my next pick I want to choose an album that elicits some very strong opinions, hopefully differing opinions. But that's tough because we're all just so like-minded, ya know? We keep good company, what can I say?

Grannies Gone Wild #36

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 32 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

get out of my courtroom poyb please

Let's keep moving around the courtroom and get the scoop on some of these supporting players. We already met Carl. I think it's time to meet Abigail.

Her full name is Abigail Losier. The last name is pronounced "LO-zee-AY." This is important. The pronunciation has been a sore spot for her and her family for generations. Plenty of people are going to mispronounce it, because plenty of people are morons. But let's be clear: it's pronounced "LO-zee-AY"!!!!

Papa always told Abigail: keep your head down, girl. Life is going to get to you sometimes. Plenty of idiots out there who don't give a fuck about you and mispronounce your names. But you can't let it bother you, Abigail! You have to just shut up and take the punches that life is going to give. Nothing you can do about it. Just worry about yourself and your family, and don't pay any mind to the shitbirds who are going to try to make your life difficult.

Uh oh, here comes one now...

Pay no attention to the creepy balding blue shirt dude next to you who is clearly staring at the blonde lady's ass. It's none of your business. Just get through your civic duty, and go home to your family. That's all.

But just be pleasant, Abigail Losier. Smile and nod and get on with your day. 

Her father's voice echoed through her mind as the woman next to her started to chatter on about this or that. Apparently, she actually wanted to be called to serve on the jury? Didn't make much sense to Abigail. She was raised to believe that keeping to oneself would ultimately be rewarded, and yet, this woman was the only one talking in the room, and she thought that she would be favored by the judge? Nope. The first guy to be called was the ass-worshipper. God, he walks strangely:

Should I tell this lady to shut the fuck up? No... no... that's not how Papa raised his girl.

I'm cool with her knowing my number, I guess. Whatever. I'm not going to say anything.

Wait... what the fuck?

Who the fuck does she think she is? She's committing a felony here, isn't she? C'mon Abigail, say something! Now's your chance! Ugh, no, maybe, I don't know...

"I thought you were 1536?"

"No, this LOSER is 1536."

Loser...

Loser...

The word rattled around in her brain...

The word that she had been called her whole life...

Because people are morons and don't know how to pronounce her last name...

The blonde lady had carelessly looked at her new ID card and seen her surname was "Losier" and assumed it said "LOSER." She wasn't the first, she wouldn't be the last...

Abigail had no idea how to react. It was utter shock. This... this... this monster had insulted her more than she'd ever known. She had cut Abigail to her very core. It was unlikely that she would ever recover.

"Keep your head down, Abigail..."

The sad sick irony of it was this: now that it had happened, the worst of it—the insult, being called a LOSER let again, having enough shame and cowardice to not respond to the insult in any reasonable manner—she was now free, in a sense. The blonde lady was gone. Now all Abigail had to do was pray that her number—her new number, #1536—was not called. And that lady—her name was Barbara Jean Hart, she now knew, since the name was printed on the ID card that was now hers—had acted so wildly in the courtroom that there was no way her old number was going to be called. What, do you think the lawyers saw that woman and decided that she would be fit for the jury? In what world would that be possible? Nope, the switcheroo, while insulting and degrading and humiliating, was also her ticket out. She'd hang onto #1536 and sit here silently for another few minutes and then when the number wasn't called, she'd slink out and try to forget any of this ever happened.

Judge Stephen Tobolowsky: "Juror #1536, are you here?"

Crap.

Cut to:

Fuck.

So this asshole stole my ID, took my spot on the jury, and called me a LOSER even though it's pronounce LO-zee-AY even though if she had just shut the fuck up and hadn't done or said anything, she would've been called onto the jury anyway? Are you for real?!

And now I have to sit behind this nutbag?

"Yes."

Does no one else in here think this lady is fucking crazy?!

Oh god, if I have to hear one more person talk about Tevye...

No, no, no Abigail, just let her talk. She'll eventually get what's coming to her. Listen to what your Papa used to tell you. Keep your head down. Just stare straight ahead right now and try to block all this out. She'll be gone soon.

Yup, here we go. Whatever she's talking about up there in the sidebar (who requests a fucking sidebar?!), it's gonna be the last thing she says. No way the judge stands for this anymore.

Well, folks, Abigail Losier was correct. Here comes Bailiff Ron, soon to be joined by Bailiff Bron, and that nasty blonde lady is going to be gone.

Our story breaks away from Abigail's at approximately the 14:06 mark of "Grannies Gone Wild."

But that doesn't mean Abigail Losier's story ends completely. We just can't see it. Soon after B.J.H. is removed from courtroom, Abigail will enter an intense debate about a man with a garden gnome. The jury will be sequestered, and Abigail, for a while, will be the lone holdout, surrounded by eleven other jury members who are convinced that the man is guilty and should be put to death. Carl ultimately convinces her that the man—unnamed perpetrator of garden gnome theft—should be given the capital punishment. It is a grueling affair.

Abigail will go on to live a modest and uneventful life after the trial, but she will be safe from the tyranny of the Hart family. Nothing will ever be as exciting as when she faced her worst enemy—a clueless moron who can't even pronounce a last name correctly. Abigail is not a loser. She is a Losier. Pronounced LO-zee-AY. And she held real power that day. She held a man's life in her hands. It felt good to be a winner for once.

After marrying Bailiff Bron in 2014—a quiet ceremony, Judge S.T. is the officiant obviously, and she decided to keep her last name, after all this—she ultimately succumbs to a heart attack in 2018. Her final words are not "CRAP" or "OH CRAP" or any of that amateurish bullshit. Her final words are: "I am a Losier, and always will be. I am proud to be a winner and a Losier. It's redundant, though, because they are the same. I hope you are proud of me, Papa. I'll see you soon in heaven."

Rest in peace, Abigail Losier.

Postscript:

One of the results is Big Worm from Friday. I don't think we're going to figure out the name of the actress who plays Abigail Losier. Maybe one day...

Dealing with the Dread in the Only Way I Know How, for Better or Worse, I Don't Know

When a crisis happens—I'm talking like a big one, one that ripples through the whole country, one that causes or has the potential to cause great death and destruction—my third or fourth thought—usually after existential dread and an intense self-loathing and maybe or maybe not a call to action—is wondering how or even if to respond to it in some way on this blog.

The internal conflict is always between responsibility and respect. If I'm going to mark myself as outspoken (via the blog), then does it become my duty to state plainly my position on Puke on Your Birthday? Or would such a statement diminish the overall message of my peers, since my statement stands sandwiched between tossed-off silly fart-joke-level Reba synopses? I don't want to sit here and pretend that everything is fine and nothing is on fire and we're all safe and lovely and ready to read about a stupid movie or a dumb neighborhood bar review. I also don't want it to seem like I'm pretending to be more important than I actually am. This is a blog between friends, and 99% of the time it's a place where you should be free to hang around and goof off. To give the impression that I think that PoYB is ART or has a MEASURABLE IMPACT WHATSOEVER on people's minds or beliefs or whatever, to give that impression would be embarrassing and wrong. But it also seems embarrassing and wrong to pretend like I don't care, because I do. So you can see the conflict here.

I think the knee-jerk reaction to turn inward, and examine my own personal journey, to share some anecdotes about how I arrived at the space that I'm in currently (i.e. that this is very BAD and we should DO SOMETHING). On the subject of abortion, there two stories that I could tell (as opposed to couldn't tell, since those stories would involve consent from other parties, and today ain't the day to break those implied promises).

I could talk about how I attended a March for Life in Washington D.C. in January 2004. This was sponsored by my high school, which is a high school that exclusively serves males (and mostly white males at that). I could talk about how ashamed I am that this is on my personal record. For real: how fucked up is it that a group of male teenagers are taking a bus to protest women's rights? And that a school sponsored this?! It's almost unconscionable. I wasn't vehemently anti-abortion or anything. I would like to think that I wasn't anything, didn't know enough about anything that I could say I should form an opinion one way or the other. I would like to think that this trip was an opportunity to consider one point of view, and I would like to think that the fact that I didn't have anything to do with the "pro life" movement after this incident means that my mind was more or less developing an opinion in the opposite direction (i.e. pro-women's rights) at that point. But I also know that this is all an excuse, and I haven't earned an excuse. It was terrible to contribute even one microwatt of energy toward this hateful exercise. And it's something I can't take back.

I could talk about how I wrote a xanga post back around this same time that publicly ruminated on the idea of abortion, in which I grappled with my thoughts on it. I wouldn't repost it on PoYB in full, because it's not something I'm proud of, and my written thoughts from that time just simply would not help anyone now. I think the basic gist of it, though, was: if we don't know whether a fetus has a soul or not, then why don't we just err on the side of caution and assume that it does? If there were good intentions in this line of logic (debatable), then the execution was reprehensibly wrongheaded. The argument that I now subscribe to eschews such childish notions as "souls" and is in total respect of women's rights to their own bodies and their own decisions. But again—once upon a time, I toed the line in the other direction, and contributed to the conversation in a negative fashion, and that's something I'm going to have to live with forever.

But you also see how talking about MYSELF in this situation is its own toxicity? Women's rights are unceremoniously ripped away and my response is to bemoan my own lack of judgment 20 years ago on a fucking blog? How is that helpful? How is any of this helpful? And now I'm lapsing back into the conflict between responsibility and respect. Is there a point to blogging under these circumstances? Should I even be doing any of this? Aren't there better ways of taking action than the self-loathing and performative apologizing?

Well, sure there is. I've been pretty clear about that in the past, that my choice of "activism" (if you can even call it that) is through the voting booth and the wallet. For the former, you know what to do: be smart, choose the candidates who have their constituents' true best interest in mind, and do I need to say more at this point? Or should I also say that if you punch a hole next to any candidate with an (R) next to their name, then you are the problem? (This point goes hand-in-hand with "stay knowledgeable, e.g. something like reading up on the City of Philadelphia's immediate response, etc.) This one is tough, because voting seems useless, and very often is (because while Republicans are monsters, Democrats are useless fucks, and there is no third choice). But voting in vain is better than not voting, and we have to keep doing it, in larger numbers, regardless of all that.

For the latter: I'm donating right now $100 to the National Network of Abortion Funds, and I'm asking you directly to do the same if you are reading this blog post and are financially able.

And as always, these two specific calls to action come with the fear that writing about them here might make it seem that I think that my voice is louder or more important that anyone else's. I hope that anyone who thinks this is virtue signaling has already signed off PoYB anyway, and if you're still here, on a Saturday morning, then you already agree with me and have already donated.

But then wouldn't that make me writing all this totally unnecessary, and in fact an act of virtue signaling? In other words, if you are here reading this, still, then there's no fucking way you need to be convinced of any of this, right? Or else why would you still be reading? And so the only conclusion one could reasonably draw from this blogging exercise is that I'm full of myself, that I need you to know where I stand even though you don't need to know where I stand on this, because you already know.

There is no good way to do this. I'm sorry. I lose when I write about the crisis. I lose when I ignore it. I lose when I pretend that I need to write. I lose when it seems like I don't care, because I do. I lose when I try to paint myself as the good guy. I lose when I try to paint myself as the bad guy. I lose because blogging is about losing. I take the loss. I accept the loss, because I am used to losing. I lose constantly because I live in America and I care about the people who live here, and that mindset is constantly punished by the people who control this country. I lose when I say that I care about others but then don't do nearly enough. I lose when I say I don't do nearly enough because that looks like an excuse. I lose when I make excuses because there's no reason for them, because I'm a privileged straight white male. I lose when I'm a straight white male with a blog and I act like that gives me the write to keep a blog at all. I lose when I blog, basically. And yet here I am, blogging, for some fucking reason, when I could be doing literally anything else right now, up to and including: organizing, challenging, using my voice, bashing my head through a fucking brick wall.

I am sorry, though. I am sorry that you have to live in a world in which Puke on Your Birthday exists. I'm sorry that you have to live with me in that world, in the same world that is ruled by people who hate women and wish death upon women. I know it doesn't look like I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do besides blog about myself. I know it's a bad look. A fucking terrible look. But I'm here anyway. I am sorry.

Here's what I really need: I need one of PoYB's infamous anonymous commenters to take to the comments on this one and tell me to shut the fuck up. At least then the shame will feel earned and not performative. Honestly! Turning one of the darkest days in American history into some public flogging of myself and of blogging is the dumbest, worst thing that PoYB has ever done.

But I literally don't know what else to do. Besides donating, I guess. So let me get on that, and then I'll get back to watching another episode of motherfucking Reba and try to forget for 20 minutes and 40 seconds that the world is a terrible place and I am a terrible person and that blogging is a terrible waste of time in circumstances like this.