Read My Mind, Joe

This is Joe K***, roving reporter for the newest addition of the McD***** Family Newsletter, Vol. XXXVII, Issue 16. This is my 633rd issue as editor-in-chief, after a disastrous five-year run by Anthony C*******. I will also probably soon be succeeded by Layla C****, who has officially learned to read and write, and, if her EiC uncle has any say in the matter, will soon learn to write shitty album reviews specifically.

Reporting from the field today. The big news? Reba. It's all anyone here is talking about. Her music, her acting chops, her big bushy red hair, she's everywhere. I have gathered some reactions from those family members on the ground at the scene, in an attempt to paint a broad picture of the Reba Effect during this current family vacation.

Joe: "At the start the opening credits sequence of the hit network television sitcom Reba—not sure if you've ever heard of it—Reba McEntire, the star of her titular show and the singer of its theme song, lets out a rebel yell. 'Hey HEY!' she yawlps over a thundering drum fill. It is that sound, that singularly perfect and powerful 'hey HEY!' that has convinced me that Reba's 'I'm a Survivor' is the best opening credits theme song of any television show ever (or it could just be Stockholm syndrome, who's to say). Make cracks all you want about the corniness of the subsequent lyrics ('single mom who works too hard' and 'gentle hands and a heart of a fighter' and so on), but don't try to tell me that Reba McEntire doesn't immediately convince you of her conviction in the opening holler. 'Hey HEY!'

"It brings me no pleasure to report that the energy and confidence that the 'hey HEY!' brings every time I sit down to watch 'Grannies Gone Wild' is nowhere to be found on Read My Mind.

"I'll concede that there are interesting sounds on this album, especially in the context of a mega-popular mainstream country music album in the mid-'90s. Read My Mind opens with saxophone! The title track is a lush symphony ballad with a brief guitar solo! 'I Won't Stand in Line' is a silly blues honky-tonk thing with a full-on gospel choir! And that's just the first three songs! It's cool that Reba McEntire was able to try on all these different hats and show 'em off to the boomers buying her CD through the buy-one-CD-get-twelve-for-a-penny BMG schemes.

"I just don't think she brings any of the heat that I expected after three dozen listens of the 'I'm a Survivor' clip this summer so far. Too many ballads. Too boring.

"I love arguing about music and I love shitting on an artists when it's deserved. Reba could sing a million overwrought ballads in a row and I would never think to shit on her. Read My Mind isn't deserving of that, and this is that type of review newsletter article. I'm just saying that I didn't find all that much to get excited about.

"Probably the only time I get close to feeling the thrilling 'hey HEY!'-esque elation is 'Why Haven't I Heard from You,' which is still too silly to be considered 'good,' but just fun enough to approximate the 'hey HEY!' in some tangential way. I like how the song starts from the very beginning—'Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, so I know you'll be able to call me.' I like how this brings new life to a Record Club song from like three years ago, how it's the inverse of the Highwomen's 'Don't Call Me.' I like how corny gospel choir call-and-response comes back. It is also quite possible that I'm just a fucking freak with a foot fetish and the extremely-'90s pedicure-featuring music video just does something for me.

"But it's not a good song. It just feels good when compared to the rest of the goop on here. There's so much goop, and I don't really like much of it, if any of it. But whatever. I'm a few beers deep. What do the rest of you think?"

Butch: "Who is this, Dolly Parton?"

Sue: "My favorite artist of all time is Billy Joel."

Pam: "What does that have to do with Reba McEntire?"

Sue: "I'm just saying."

Butch: "They're asking about Reba, Keys. C'mon, you know Joe is the writer."

Sue: "I'm just saying that there was no better time for music then the '60s."

Joe: "Wasn't Billy Joel more the '70s?"

Sue: "I don't know. I just know he's my favorite of all time."

Joe: "He sucks."

Sue: "It's because you weren't around in the '60s."

Joe: "No! I work my ass off to become familiar with music from that era, and from every era."

Butch: "No, you said earlier that you didn't think Elvis even existed."

Joe: "I know, I know, I was just messing around. That was my knee-jerk reaction to you guys praising old music all the time."

Butch: "Then name your top five favorite artists of all time."

Joe: "No, that's a different conversation. It's different for someone to say an artist is good or bad, versus whether an artists is your favorite of all time. I'm saying that Sue's opinion that Billy Joel is her favorite is valid, just like my opinion of Billy Joel being bad is valid."

Pam: "Can this please be your last Miller Lite?"

Sue: "I don't listen to music that was released after the '70s."

Joe: "Then how can you say that Billy Joel is your favorite?"

Sue: "How can you say he's bad?"

Joe: "No, I'm saying that those are different conversations! We can talk about whether he's your favorite, or we can talk about whether he's good or bad, but you can't talk about both!"

Pam: "If I hear 'good or bad' one more time I'm going to literally fucking kill someone."

Joe: "How did we start talking about Billy Joel? I'm supposed to be getting your thoughts about Reba."

Butch: "What, because you're doing the Reba TV thing this summer?"

Pam: "Actually, I picked the album."

Butch: "For what?"

Pam: "Record Club! I've told you this already!"

Joe: "It's our Summer of Reba."

Sue: "Well what do you think about this, Pammy?"

Pam: "I'm going to have to write my review after we get home. It seems like homework to have to write it on vacation."

Butch: "My buddy Joe Lero would love this."

Sue: "Did he ever call you back?"

Butch: "Joe Lero loves trivia."

[Butch and Sue start talking over each other to explain their friend Joe Lero, to the point that you can't understand either one.]

Pam: "I have no idea what either of you are saying!!"

Butch: "I'm in the fantasy baseball thing with Joe Lero. He's a big trumper. All the guys that hang at Tony's are."

Joe: "I don't talk politics on vacation."

Pam: "Can we listen to something else?"

Joe: "How has no one talked about Reba yet?"

Sue: "Well you're the writer. Why don't you tell us about what you think?"

Joe: "Fine... Imagine how Phil Connors must have felt the day after Groundhog Day, when he finally awakens to a new day. We see the pleasure Phil feels when he gets there, but we have to assume that there was an incredible anxiety about the affair as well. Phil had just lived millions of years as a god, and now he was back to being simply mortal. After all that time learning every nook and cranny of the repeated Groundhog Day, he was now faced with something new, something unknown, something dangerous, and the feeling must have been overwhelming. Phil Connors on February 3rd must have been the portrait of a man who has lost his grip on everything he's ever known. Now imagine how I felt after seeing and hearing Reba in only one very specific context for what feels like my entire life, and then being told I have to listen to one of her albums now as well. Something new, something unknown, something dangerous. Maybe the ballads were an attempt to soothe; maybe my ambivalence is just a defense against something that frightens me to my core."

Butch: "I have no idea what you are even talking about half the time. Mr. 1520 SATs. Just overthinking things constantly."

Joe: "Yeah but the overthinking is the fun part. You think I actually like listening to Reba McEntire?"

Sue: "Put on Billy Joel."

Laura: "Mom! Stop with the Billy Joel! So annoying!"

Layla: "Um, Uncle Joe, what are you listening to?"

Joe: "Thanks for asking, Layla. It's the 1994 post-country album by a lady named Reba McEntire."

Willow: "Can we listen to kids' music, please?!"

Joe: "Not right now."

Willow: "You have to let me listen to SOMETHING!"

Joe: "Can you just let Daddy listen to this album once? He needs to write his review."

Sue: "I just got an alert on my phone. There was a shooting in North Philadelphia."

Joe: "I'm going to bed."

This has been Van Montgomery Joe K***, reporting live from Williamsburg, Virginia. Until next time.

GRADE: 2 pukes out of 5