Tales from the script.
I read along with the script for "Grannies Gone Wild" today. I found the script on a website called SubsLikeScript. Here it is. Though I couldn't find a confirmation either way, there is a 99.9% chance that these scripts are unofficial, i.e. fan-made and not, like, directly from the WB or whatever. Still, it was pretty accurate, as far as I could tell. I trust it, in other words. Here are some thoughts.
— Sometimes the laugh track blocks out what the actors are saying. One of those times is when Van threatens to shove a thermometer up his twelve-year-old brother-in-law's asshole against his will. The audience thinks it's hilarious, and you can't hear what Van is muttering underneath the cackling. The script confirms he's simply saying: "Yup... bend over..." He's vamping for time. Or vanping, if you will.
— I like that the script describes the inhuman sounds that Van makes, which are supposed to be the sounds that a Miss U.S.A. winner would make, are described with the following verbs: squeals; moans; sputters; sobs.
— Later, he makes the least funny noise of the whole episode—you know the one!—which the scripts attempts to replicate as: "D'HUH?"
— I always assumed that Van says "Hi honey" when Cheyenne enters the kitchen, but the script says that it's "Hi hottie." Which makes my skin crawl. Her parents are right there, dude. Cool it.
— Something I never noticed before was how Cheyenne walks from dining room table to kitchen counter after Brock leaves, and when Reba tries to talk to her, she looks over at the dining room kitchen still. It goes: "Chey— [turns head around in the other direction] Cheyenne..." Hyperrealistic blocking, or blocking mistake?
— Van yet again steps on a line when he's out of the room and "storms" back in. I always thought he said "I'll have you know I'm not storming off!" but really he says "A lot you know, I'm not storming off." The phrasing must be a Texasism.
— We had previously speculated as to what Brock is muttering as he leaves the courtroom. Script confirms it as "No one's going to prison..." Hmm. I would've thought it would be the opposite. Brock knows that BJ is going to be overzealous about this thing, so wouldn't he be worried for the gnome-stealer? And if we can barely hear the line, why even say it?
— Patrice says "As I live and breathe..." in the script, but we all know that's not how she says it.
— I never noticed that Cheyenne has a line when Florence, Ida, and Ladies first walk in and the audience is yucking it up like a bunch of senior citizen-bashing jackals. The script has her saying "You're so beautiful!" You cannot hear the line at all, and you can barely even see her mouth the lines. But it is visible. Thanks, audience, you jerks.
— More verb-choice fun: the script describes Van's guttural noises on his 80th birthday as [MUTTERING, HAWKS].
— I've noticed that 80-year-old Van calls 80-year-old Cheyenne "Mother," and I'm familiar with the idea that old married couples call each other "mother" and "father" or whatever. E.g. I'll call Pam "Mommy" in front of the kids. But I never thought to extrapolate in this instance—if Van is calling Cheyenne "Mother," then this proves the existence of a child between them, right? He wouldn't call Cheyenne "Mother" is she wasn't an actual mother. Where is this child?! Is he still missing? Is their 60-year-old kid still on the lamb with his 80-year-old Auntie Scarlett somewhere in the Utah desert?!
— The script ends with the following: "Acme! [Coughs]" What is that about? is this something that happens after the credits, like the audio stamp of the production company that makes Reba or something? I've actually never seen the credits for this episode, since the mp4 file I have cuts out right after Jake pulls out the thermometer. I guess I'm gonna have to check it out on Hulu eventually.
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