Grannies Gone Wild #18

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" sixteen times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

 

I fucking hate when people interrupt me. It's my largest pet peeve. Stepping on my words is fucking rude, just let me say what I have to say. The act of interrupting is a tell-tale sign that the person doing the interrupting isn't listening to what you have to say anyway. They aren't hearing you, they are just waiting for their next opportunity to talk. That's not how conversations work! You need to give and receive. Fuck, man.

I counted eleven times during this episode when a character was cut off from what they were saying (maybe ten, depending on whether you count the first one). Here, I will document those incidents, and I will then allow (hypothetically) the character to finish what they were saying.

1.

 

WHAT WAS SAID: Van: "This is good stuff. It'll help lower your cholesterol. It's all—" [sneezes]

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Van: "This is good stuff. It'll help lower your cholesterol. It's all homegrown and organic. You'll love it. Not like my bitch of a wife. She hates organic. All she eats all day is peanut butter on white bread, folded in two and wrapped in wax paper. She'd never eat this good stuff. Not like you Mrs. H. Oh, whoops, I better avoid the pepper for on top of you eggs, since I'm allergic. Here's the pepper grinder, you can apply it yourself if you wish."

2. 

WHAT WAS SAID: Reba: "You're springing a lot on everyone here, so—" Van: "What is going on in that pretty little head of yours, woman?"

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Reba: "You're springing a lot on everyone here, so maybe we can just slow down and talk about this like rational human beings. I understand that I may not have been all that kind about your father's dental profession in the past, but it's a really good job, and pays well, which I know is important to both you and your husband—and your child, but let's not talk about him for the next 20.5 minutes, okay? There must be some reasonable explanation for your decision. You are an adult, and I trust you. Let's talk. In fact, let's go talk in the other room, since it's been pretty clear over the past five-plus years that your husband is a hothead and is not going to trust you to make the right decision like I will."

3.

WHAT WAS SAID: Brock: "Listen, Barbara Jean—" Barbara Jean: "Ah ah ah, call me by my number."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Brock: "Listen, Barbara Jean, I know you get all wrapped up in this kind of thing, so I'm going to do you a favor and give you some hints about how to get out of jury duty. I'm not saying this for your sake, I'm saying it for everyone else's. I love you, honey, but you go a little nuts in this sort of scenario. I've seen you watch Law & Order. Please, honey, that's a television show. It's not real. This is a petty crime. Just come back home to me in a couple hours when this very reasonable judge dismisses you, okay?"

4.

WHAT WAS SAID: Brock: "Barbara Jean, I'm not gonna—" Barbara Jean: "I can't hear you."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Brock: "Barbara Jean, I'm not gonna call you by your number. That's a random number, it means nothing. And, by the way, I get what you're doing. I'm the sub, you're the dom, okay, fine, but let's keep it in the bedroom, okay? This poor guy sitting next to us was already berated once for no reason, I don't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he is."

 

5.

WHAT WAS SAID: Judge Stephen Tobolowsky: "Juror number—" Barbara Jean: "1536?"

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Judge Stephen Tobolowsky: "Juror number 1242 may step to the bench, thank you. And thanks to all for being patient. Mostly everyone is going to get called to the bench today, since we apparently don't have any pre-screening process in this judicial district, and apparently the lawyers before me are going to choose to stay silent? No, nothing to say about this process in which you are intimately involved? Okay then, next number..."

6.

WHAT WAS SAID: Reba: "Well, we think that—" Cheyenne: "It's so great, you should have seen them before I got here..."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Reba: "Well, we think that maybe this is a little impulsive, honey. You see, I was raised in a time when providing for your family was paramount for the breadwinner. The jobs available to those without a college degree were still good-paying, union-backed jobs, at least for middle-class white people like yourself anyway, but this isn't the type of show that we're gonna talk about racial politics in. But yeah, so you understand where I'm coming from, right? Dentistry is a secure career path. Cosmetics for seniors doesn't appear to be. At least not at first glance. Maybe I'm missing something? Can you tell me more about what you're doing here? Quick, before your boorish asshole husband flips out and walks off."

 

7.

WHAT WAS SAID: Cheyenne: "I think I found my calling. I don't think I can describe the feeling except that—" Van: "It's stupid. It's the dumbest thing ever."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Cheyenne: "I think I found my calling. I don't think I can describe the feeling except that, for once in my life I feel like I'm making a difference. Oh sure, scoff at the idea of senior citizens looking pretty to their peers and their intra-senior-home love interests, fine. But don't scoff at the idea that I'm addressing their mental and emotional health, something that can legitimately be neglected in homes like this. Especially with employees that act like they hate old people and don't want them to be happy at all. Have you talked to that dude over there who works here? He's probably whispering in Dickie's ear that he's going to poison his applesauce or something. Knowing that guy, he might even do it, for real. He misses his free afternoons, so I'm told, and he would definitely get them back if all the senior citizens were dead, that's for sure. Well, I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to make sure they live, damn it. Live their best lives. This is my calling! Don't you understand?!?!"

8.

WHAT WAS SAID: Barbara Jean: "My nickname was 'White Thunder'—" "So in answer to the question 'Have you ever committed a crime,' the answer would be 'No'?"

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Barbara Jean: "My nickname was 'White Thunder,' and I was captain by the end of that year. No one knew why I was called 'White Thunder' outside my closest friends at that point. Didn't matter—we kept winning. State championships? Blew through the first two rounds. In the semis, we matched up with Clovis High School out of Clovis, Texas, and it was a tough matchup. They had girls 6'6, 6'7, 6'8 it seemed like! But I kissed all their boyfriends. Even some of their girlfriends. They sure as shit knew why I was called 'White Thunder' at that point, let me tell ya."

 

9.

WHAT WAS SAID: Barbara Jean: "I was Tevye—" Judge Stephen Tobolowsky: "Ms. Hart, if you're trying to get excused..."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Barbara Jean: "I was Tevye, which is funny, you see, because Tevye is a male character, and is typically portrayed by a male actor. But you know how boys are, afraid of seeming 'soft' by doing musical theater. Especially Texas boys. Fucking snowflakes, afraid of everything. That's why they all carry around guns, because they are pussies. Every man who owns a gun is a fucking pussy. I really do mean that. Cops included. If you own a gun, you're a little bitch. That's why I don't let my man—my husband, Brock, whom you saw earlier today—own no gun. He's not a fucking coward. He doesn't have a small penis either. It's a bit above average in length. You know how I know this? Because he doesn't own a gun."

10.

WHAT WAS SAID: Reba: "I know what Cheyenne is doing over there is—" Van: "Ridiculous. Laughable. Insane."

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Reba: "I know what Cheyenne is doing over there is maybe not what you wanted for her out of life, but she is her own person, Van. Fuck, man, get off her back for once. She's doing the best that she can. It hasn't been easy for her recently, what with the taking college courses while also dealing with her alcoholism, as well as, you know, the grief over the disappearance of her child. Your child, too, may I remind you, even though you seem to not give a shit that your sister-in-law Scarlett kidnapped your five-year-old son and is currently escaping law enforcement somewhere near Utah, but maybe at least you can pretend a little? For Cheyenne's sake?"

 

11.

WHAT WAS SAID: Reba: "Cheyenne, why did you have to pick something so—" Van: "Insane!!"

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAID WITHOUT BEING CUT OFF: Reba: "Cheyenne, why did you have to pick something so—" Joe: "Fuck it, no, I'm going to cut you off this time. Sorry to break the fourth wall here, but are you seriously going to say something that Van or Brock would say like 'something so strange' or 'something so gross' or whatever? Are you really going to take their side on this one? Your daughter is out here making people happy. That's the bottom line. And if you can't see that, then fuck off. I know, I know, I'm just frustrated, and I'm taking it out on you, Reba. Sorry. I know you are more reasonable and level-headed then your doofus ex-husband and your shitheel son-in-law. But Cheyenne needs an advocate here. She's trapped in an abusive marriage. Fucking do something! Don't just walk away! You're walking away! Where are you even going?! Those steps don't go anywhere! We're on the set of a TV show! Stop, come back! Come back!"