The plan today was to watch today's episode of "Grannies Gone Wild" with my wife's side of the family and gather their reactions. It was about 9:30 AM when I realized that this probably wasn't going to happen. The kids were doing their mix of dancing to Disney princess music and slapping each other like WWE wrestlers, and I can't expect the parents to turn their focus away from that to watch even 20 minutes of goddamn Reba. Plus, Pam made it clear that she's never watching "Grannies Gone Wild" again, and it would be super weird to kick her out of the room on vacation. So I went into the bedroom and watched it on my phone for a bit. It took about 30 minutes today, since Martha joined me for a short while. She snuggled up from Reba's line about whether Cheyenne's new line of work is "silly and pointless" through BJ's weird kinky public foreplay move in insisting that her husband call her "Juror Number One Five Three Six." I don't blame Martha for bailing after those 90 seconds. I don't even blame her for interrupting me around "Series of Inspirational Butt Sayings™©" to read Maple and Willow Together and In My Heart. Today, my heart is sad that I have to watch "Grannies Gone Wild" throughout my vacation. I was also dozing off toward the end of the episode, having gone to bed late after arguing about Billy Joel with my mother-in-law the previous night and having woken up early because Martha wanted to sleep in the bed and having to share even a king-sized bed with four people means that I'm not getting back to sleep. But sometimes you think of something important when you are three-quarters asleep, and here's what I realized this time: Did Cheyenne really go out and buy wigs and new wardrobes for Flo and Ida and Ladies? There's no way that they just had blonde wigs and inspirational butt jeans just lying around. And it's not even like they could be Cheyenne's old clothes, seeing as they are all different sized women, and no offense to F & I & Ls but Cheyenne is slim, not "slimming." I guess maybe Cheyenne could've called up a few of her cheerleaders friends from high school and borrowed some of their old clothes. It's either that, or Cheyenne dropped hundreds of dollars in an attempt to make these relative strangers feel better about themselves, which is cool, but also would have DEFINITELY been an argument point that her tight-fisted shithead husband would have brought up during their three arguments about Cheyenne's life decisions. Or was he too busy being a third-grade loser coughing "baloney" or whatever, I don't know. I asked Martha what she thought, but she didn't give a fuck. No one else in this house does either. I cannot blame anyone. They didn't ask to hear about Reba all week. "You blogging?" my father-in-law just asked me. Reluctantly, I answer: yes. About "Grannies Gone Wild." Great way to spend vacation.
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