Formspring Bullshit

A few months ago, I started seeing some bullshit spam popping up on my precious Facebook newsfeed. It was asking me to "ask me any question and I'll answer it truthfully!"

Now, considering how often I am asked to choose between Pirates and Ninjas, asked to buy ten dozens beets for a Ville of farms, and asked to delete ten friends to get a free Whopper Jr., I promptly deleted all and any trace that this so-called "Formspring" from my coveted FB.

But, alas! Puke tries to—nay, succeeds—in keeping up with the trends, and in that regard, we here on our exceptional and influential blog must succumb to the masses. We created a Formspring.

Here are the questions we were asked, followed by a truthful answer (no fingers behind our backs, promise).

Question: Do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but my balls don't hang that low. They creep up towards my taint. They wobble when I'm scared. I can tie them in neither knots nor bows, but I can make a hot dog like those guys in Puppetry of the Penis taught me.

Question: Do you like girls?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I like girls. My girlfriend might disagree, because she thinks I'm gay, but... I like girls. I swear! I swear!

Question: What's your favorite snack?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I think Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets are the bomb-diggety. Not only are they tasty, and not only are they featured as Maniac Magee's favorite brain food, but they also gave me the opportunity to use the word "bomb-diggety."

Question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I can honestly say you're an ass.

Question: What's your favorite childhood memory?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I have a few memories that top the charts, mainly: 1) Harry Potter's release and they fact that I avoided any and all spoilers, 2) When Ms. Peg yelled "That ball is dead!!!!" in the schoolyard, and yet we all realized the ball was never alive to begin with, 3) That time I stole a playpen ball from McDonald's, and promptly used that ball in a backyard wiffleball game, only to strike out and humiliate myself in front of all two of my friends at the time, 4) those 547,043 hours I spent playing Super Mario World, 5) Getting on Windows 95 for the first time and wondering how the fuck AOL email worked.

Question: What are your thoughts on Barack Obama?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I think he'd be a lot cooler if he smoked cigarettes still. I don't smoke myself, but I consider smoking to be cool as fuck. We need a badass leader who is going to blaze his own path (pun intentional), not one who will succumb to the will of some pansy anti-smoking lobbyists.

Question: When did you lose your virginity?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke... actually, I can. We're all virgins.

Question: When are you going to give up on Puke? No one fucking cares about your pathetic blog anymore. Fuck you guys. I think PoYB jumped the shark when Mandy B** left your staff. I miss her ramblings about the letter "B" and her cheating on tests. I also think that you guys lost a bunch of potential when Frank and Harry were staff members but never contributed. I bet you Frank could have wrote a witty piece about a timely viral news article, and Harry could have killed with an analysis about our very own Philadelphia Eagles. Come to think of it, they were the three writers that held the weight of Puke on their shoulders. Without them, Joe, Dave, Mike, and Nick simply make up a contingent of four local losers who write nothing but filth and boner jokes. My question, I suppose, is this: When will you fucking grown up and stop writing on this fucking blog?

Answer: Did someone mention boner jokes??

At the Movies, with Puke on Your Birthday

I am kind of a dumbass when it comes to movies. Too many times, someone will reference a movie, and I'll shoot them a quizzical look, and they'll exclaim, "Wait, you've never seen [such and such a movie]?!?!" And I'll be embarrassed.

But I've been embarrassed for a while, haven't I? There was a list of movies that I made back in April that I wanted to see this summer, and at summer's end, I'm proud to say I made great headway toward meeting my goal. Sure, I never got around to seeing Scarface or The Goonies, but fuck it, right? I saw a plethora of worthy movies, many of which weren't even on the list.

Goddamn it, I was a movie buff this summer.

At this point, if I were a blogger of lofty goals, I'd sit here until the cock crowed and give a 750-word review of each cinematic feature I digested this season. Fortunately for our quick-fingered generation of tweeters, I am going to make this short and sweet.

I will review each movie, but each review will be 140 characters or less. I'm not Ebert & Roeper, yo, and I'm not going to waste my time expounding on the general quality or overarching themes of these movies. Just enjoy my quick reflection on each film, and feel free to comment with your own review (but keep it under 140 characters, you rambling, long-winded show-off).

SUMMER 2010 MOVIE REVIEWS
By Joe K***

Die Hard
Snape killed Asian Dumbledore.

Toy Story 2
It took me eleven years to confirm that indeed it's better than the original.

Up
It didn't take me very long to confirm that Pixar cannot fucking do wrong.

Capitalism: A Love Story
I liked this because I am poor.

Memento
At first seemed like a mindfuckery, but was surprisingly easily enjoyable and memorable.

Synecdoche, NY
At first seemed like a mindfuckery, continued to fuck my mind through two hours, and now I don't even understand its Wikipedia page.

Degrassi Takes Manhattan
Do I love Degrassi because I'm drunk, or am I drunk because I love Degrassi?

The Big Lebowski
Dude...

Reservoir Dogs
I like it because of its interesting and exciting plot structure, not because it means I'm cool; however, I am cool.

Bull Durham
I liked it, but I'd like it a lot more if the threesome of Costner, Sarandon, and baseball didn't make baseball the awkward third wheel.

Adventureland
I wanted this to be the summer adolescence movie to end all summer adolescence movies; instead, it was just kind of sad.

Citizen Kane
It was a nearly impossible task to live up to the "Best Movie of All Time" status; it didn't, but it was still okay... I guess...

Big Fan
A great character study of a sad and innocent man—despite the fact that Philadelphia fans are the bad guys (y'all know how I feel about that).

25th Hour
It was 9/11, I sold heroin, etc., etc.

When Harry Met Sally...
"You suck, but I love you anyway" is both a summary of what Harry said to Sally in his famous monologue, and what I think of the movie.

Okay! So those are the movies I saw this summer. I have many people to thank. There's Netflix for shoving movie after movie down my throat. There's my mailman for faithfully delivering said Netflix while he faithfully listens to his iPod. There's each and every friend who makes me feel like the biggest asshole in the world every time we talk about cinema. There's people like Roger Ebert who are snobby enough to make me feel unapologetic about not being a movie buff. And there's my faithful laptop—I knew you were capable of other tasks besides looking at my girlfriend's Facebook profile.

Yay for movies!

PUKE IS FUCKING SLACKING

Damn it, it happened again. I slacked on Puke on Your Birthday. This tends to happen a few times a year. I feel awful—I do!—because a multitude of people come up to me on the streets to tell me that I should update the blog. And when I say a "multitude of people," of course I mean "my girlfriend takes pity on my need to express my irrelevant thoughts on a vast interweb filled with other useless shit, so much so that my verbose bullshit is but a minuscule pimple on the oily face of the general American consciousness."

But please, take heed. I haven't had access to the internet! And as much as I would love to scribble drunkenly on the back of the envelope in which my minimum wage paycheck was delivered in and tie it to a pigeon only to have said pigeon fly it to the interweb's hypothetical central location center and have said pigeon somehow put it on Puke on Your Birthday because, damn it, my pets are going to do what I say they'll do... it just doesn't fucking work that way.

But 'lo and behold, you beautiful, beautiful reader (that's me addressing my girlfriend again, though I'm sure all you other readers are beautiful in your own unique way), my stronghold that I call "'Stock" (short for "the Woodstock Street house") is now fully equipped with a wireless router, and my out-of-date laptop now has full access to Facebook, Twitter, porn, La Salle email, and blogging—in that order.

So, in celebration of this joyous occasion, one that pretty much makes this house a home, I will get Puke back on its feet by posting every day for the next 759,543 days.

Of course that's a hyperbole, you fuck! But I have some ideas for blog posts that I've been sitting on for a long time. For instance, I want to write about my travel study to Rockledge this summer—you know, a bitter sarcastic prose piece about why I like non-traveling to Rockledge as opposed to traveling across the vast seas...

[At this point I'm going to digress and talk about how Kev C***** is a sexy man. He walked in from his "coaches meeting for soccer," at which point I chuckled because we all know soccer is not a sport, and thus needs no coaches. A bunch of savages running around barefooted kicking each other in the shins and whirling their penises around in a counterclockwise motion and calling themselves "Fred" and only "Fred" well, fuck, I'd say he isn't a coach... he is just wasting his time. End digression.]

...and some other ideas I have:

—A post in which I talk about all the disgusting things you can find on the internet, most of which will most likely force Blogspot to cancel Puke's account.

—Part 3 of a multipart series on my complex and profound thoughts about Degrassi (formerly Degrassi: The Next Generation, though it was changed because, ten years after it started, the thirteen-year-old girls don't really give a fuck what the first Generation was anymore).

—A follow up to the post we did about Formspring and answer those BURNING questions that you guys wanted to ask us (speaking of BURNING, I have herpes).

—A wrap-up of my quest to watch a shit ton of movies that I wanted to watch this summer. I'm going to give a short review of each, featuring gratuitous foul language, naked tits flowing, and absolutely NO MENTION of The Goonies. Because, well, fuck that.

—I have in my notes something about hypothetical questions, and asking our readership to answer said questions. I weep because our readership have all grown up and stopped caring about frivolous balderdash such as Puke.

—My thoughts about Freaks and Geeks. Ah, fuck, that's already been done. Nevermind.

—A well-thought, scholarly essay about Ke$ha, though NOT about the alleged existence of a naked picture of said Ke$ha. Which reminds me, I need to check Google Images.

—Something about drinking for our weekly "Thirsty Thursday" column. Hey, remember when we actually followed through with our "weekly columns"?

—Our blow-out EXTRAVA-FUCKING-GANZA for our motherfucking 250TH BLOG POST! I'll most likely try to make fun of everything I've ever written in this post, assuming that Nick, Mike, or Dave doesn't accidentally write the 250th post unknowingly, in which case I will delete the post I am currently writing now, write the TRUE 250th post, and ceremoniously flog the fuck out of whoever ruined my small chance at glory.

So much potential! Puke on Your Birthday is riding high. It rises from the ashes like so many other phoenix-related clichés. Etc., etc., god bless you, humble reader.

[This post was written by: 1) nine Natural Lights, 2) Thesaurus.com, 3) Ryan Howard's sixth strikeout in the Astros series, 4) Kev's raging hard-on, 5) Yoshi getting third place in the Flower Cup in Mario Kart 64, 6) my robot, 7) something moderately clever, 8) fuck fuck fuck I'm drunk, 9) the mouse that lives in our oven.]

Fuck the Mets

Love at first sight.