Our Summer of Movies: Die Hard

“I have a machine gun now, ho-ho-ho!”

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the movies that I had never seen and had consequently been ridiculed for not seeing. Loyal friend Drew P**** took me up on the cause, and it was subsequently decided that we make it our summer goal. To watch these movies, to make fun of them if need be, to soak in the glory of finally being part of a society heavily focused on entertainment, and to drink a shit ton of beer. We have already drank said shit ton of beer, we have watched our first said movie, and we will now commence said making fun of and/or being part of said society.

This was our post-movie review. Please excuse any redundancies or nonsensical observations.

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Joe: One of the main reasons I agreed to take part in this summer-long goal of watching my previously unwatched movies is to try to watch the movies with no expectations. It’s tough, because many people have seen these movies before; hence, my feelings of being left out. So I guess what we can talk about first is how our expectations were met, or otherwise, things that really surprised us. Personally, a big surprise was Snape being the villain. Because Snape is such a good guy, ya know?!

Drew: The main reason I decided to partake in this endeavor was mostly the same as Joseph's. The movies we agreed to watch are the “iconic” classics so many others have watched. I will admit I have already seen a few listed in the original post, but since then, I have added a few of my own movies to the list. Also, an added perk is just watching movies and drinking a shit ton of beers. My first reaction to this movie came in the first fifteen minutes: “Holy fuck this is classic 1980s.”

Joe: Really? Because I thought your first reaction was, “Shit, where’s Danny Glover?” And for a minute there, I thought the same thing. “I’m getting too old for this shit,” would no doubt be the next line of dialogue. But then Drew used his fancy iPod thing and found out that movie was called Lethal Weapon. So I checked the cover of the DVD case and in fact, it was called Die Hard. Oh yea, I guess we should have mentioned that we were watching Die Hard. My bad.

Drew: In your defense, Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson are really close, and there is a black guy who provides some diversity and humor to every situation / an unnecessary number of sequels in both series. Moving on to Die Hard starring Bruce Willis, Carl Winslow, Snape, and the Principal from The Breakfast Club. One thing I noticed was the music. The film is set during Christmas season and the director, John McTiernan, went so far as to make the ominous music a drawn-out, bass clef-filled version of popular Christmas tunes. As well as every few minutes there was some sort of Santa Claus, Xmas Tree, or Christmas-related decoration. That’s dedication to detail!

Joe: Ho-ho-ho motherfuckers!

Drew: I believe the line was “Yippee-kay-ya motherfuckers.”

Joe: Hey, sir, I’m not the one drinking heavy Irish ale at the moment. Let’s trust my judgment on this. I will, though, comment on your Christmas observation. From now on, every Christmas, instead of buying presents for my family, I’m going to walk on broken glass in my bare feet and save my mother from a Snape terrorist. And hopefully man-kiss Urkel’s neighbor.

Drew: Ah! Thank you for reminding me! In every movie there is some sort of obstacle for the main character to overcome. Harry’s foe is Voldemort, Luke has his father, Frosty has the Sun. But Bruce Willis. Oh Bruce! He couldn’t have such a conventional adversary! No, Bruce took the advice of a fellow passenger and has his own bare feet to contend with. Imagine killing twelve terrorists, saving thirty people, and befriending a random man and figuring out many MacGyver-like situations all while not wearing foot gear.

Joe: Oh wait, is it my turn to say something? I was too busy making my toes into fists. “Motherfucker was right, making my toes into fist balls on this rug pretty much gave me the biggest boner of my life, save the time I killed Snape.” Yes, that is an actual Bruce Willis quote. On a side note, Drew mentioned MacGyver. I, on the other hand, want to mention MacGuber, his evil twin, and the fact that ever single bad guy in this movie had a mullet just like MacGuber. Yes, an SNL skit reference made it on to Puke on Your Birthday, despite the fact that I have never seen an episode in my life. I do know Keenan Thompson pretty well though. He was great on Nickelodeon. I FUCKING DIGRESS. Hell yea, barefoot Bruce!! Yippee Kay Yah!

Drew: I see your never-seeing-SNL with an “I’ve never seen an episode of Friends.” But I DIGRESS AS WELL. My favorite character of this film might be Argyle. Argyle is the Jazz to Bruce Willis’ Fresh Prince. He’s just pimpin’ out in the limo he is supposed to be driving Bruce around in and being that bad friend who can’t really do much but in the end saves the day. In other news, Joe just reported back and we have resorted to drinking Corona. This night has taken an interesting turn.

Joe: Well, Drew, when we start making Fresh Prince references, we should start drinking anything we can. I liked Argyle. I thought it was bad ass when he punched out Stephan Q. Cla— I mean, um, that computer dude. I also liked his accomplice. Not Snape, rather, the dude that looked like Chris Jericho. I liked when he performed his finishing move, “The Walls of Jericho,” right after Bruce killed his brother. So, yeah, we’re referencing Fresh Prince and the WWE in this blog post. Go us.

Drew: I think if we are referencing WWE and Fresh Prince and I have to use caps lock to capitalize words it is time for wrap up thoughts. Die Hard was a great film and I can see why people love it for its typical 1980s plot/side-plots (e.g. Argyle and his girls.) I am glad I can finally say I have seen Die Hard in all its cheesy glory. I have nothing pithy or amusing left to say so I will leave the wrap up to Joseph. More to come (hopefully) next week for installment #2.

Joe: Yippee-kai-yay motherfuckers!!!! [Pushes C4 attached to computer screen through the elevator shaft, a computer screen that just so happens to feature this very blog post. Self-referential humor, motherfuckers!!!!]