Formspring Bullshit

A few months ago, I started seeing some bullshit spam popping up on my precious Facebook newsfeed. It was asking me to "ask me any question and I'll answer it truthfully!"

Now, considering how often I am asked to choose between Pirates and Ninjas, asked to buy ten dozens beets for a Ville of farms, and asked to delete ten friends to get a free Whopper Jr., I promptly deleted all and any trace that this so-called "Formspring" from my coveted FB.

But, alas! Puke tries to—nay, succeeds—in keeping up with the trends, and in that regard, we here on our exceptional and influential blog must succumb to the masses. We created a Formspring.

Here are the questions we were asked, followed by a truthful answer (no fingers behind our backs, promise).

Question: Do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but my balls don't hang that low. They creep up towards my taint. They wobble when I'm scared. I can tie them in neither knots nor bows, but I can make a hot dog like those guys in Puppetry of the Penis taught me.

Question: Do you like girls?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I like girls. My girlfriend might disagree, because she thinks I'm gay, but... I like girls. I swear! I swear!

Question: What's your favorite snack?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I think Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets are the bomb-diggety. Not only are they tasty, and not only are they featured as Maniac Magee's favorite brain food, but they also gave me the opportunity to use the word "bomb-diggety."

Question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I can honestly say you're an ass.

Question: What's your favorite childhood memory?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I have a few memories that top the charts, mainly: 1) Harry Potter's release and they fact that I avoided any and all spoilers, 2) When Ms. Peg yelled "That ball is dead!!!!" in the schoolyard, and yet we all realized the ball was never alive to begin with, 3) That time I stole a playpen ball from McDonald's, and promptly used that ball in a backyard wiffleball game, only to strike out and humiliate myself in front of all two of my friends at the time, 4) those 547,043 hours I spent playing Super Mario World, 5) Getting on Windows 95 for the first time and wondering how the fuck AOL email worked.

Question: What are your thoughts on Barack Obama?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke, but I think he'd be a lot cooler if he smoked cigarettes still. I don't smoke myself, but I consider smoking to be cool as fuck. We need a badass leader who is going to blaze his own path (pun intentional), not one who will succumb to the will of some pansy anti-smoking lobbyists.

Question: When did you lose your virginity?

Answer: I can't speak for everyone here at Puke... actually, I can. We're all virgins.

Question: When are you going to give up on Puke? No one fucking cares about your pathetic blog anymore. Fuck you guys. I think PoYB jumped the shark when Mandy B** left your staff. I miss her ramblings about the letter "B" and her cheating on tests. I also think that you guys lost a bunch of potential when Frank and Harry were staff members but never contributed. I bet you Frank could have wrote a witty piece about a timely viral news article, and Harry could have killed with an analysis about our very own Philadelphia Eagles. Come to think of it, they were the three writers that held the weight of Puke on their shoulders. Without them, Joe, Dave, Mike, and Nick simply make up a contingent of four local losers who write nothing but filth and boner jokes. My question, I suppose, is this: When will you fucking grown up and stop writing on this fucking blog?

Answer: Did someone mention boner jokes??