Sugar Ray, Joe

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Mark McGrath!

[applause, whistling, various "yeahhh!!"s]

Wow, I don't think Mark has heard cheers that loud since the tour for his band's last album that literally anyone knows any music from, Sugar Ray.

[mild laughter]

That was in 2001, people! 23 years! McGrath has heard nothing but booing since then! I mean, c'mon!

[laughter a little louder this time]

My name is Joe K***, and I will be the roastmaster this evening.

[wild applause]

Thank you, thank you. I can tell we have some Puke on Your Birthday fans in the audience. Get those spam folders ready, because I'll be getting your email addresses by the end of the night!

[cheers]

Every Sunday, people. Every Sunday. Alright, so we're here to celebrate our good pal Mark McGrath. Mark, you don't look like you've aged at all in the last two decades. Helps that when you were 30, you looked like a 55-year-old trying to look 25.

[mild laughter, Jeff Ross spits out his water]

Mark's plastic surgeon has so much money, he was able to buy a helicopter. That's right: he just wants to fly.

[laughter, Joe looks on deadpan]

Put your arms around me, baby.

[shot of Nick DiPaolo rolling his eyes and chuckling]

Okay! But we're not here to talk about that song. That's not on Sugar Ray! The 2001 album Sugar Ray! That's what we're here to talk about, people! The album and the artist, both named Sugar Ray! I guess Mark couldn't think of a better name than that! This is the man we trust with the band's lyrics!

[now DiPaolo is looking confused, secondhand laughter from the audience at his nonplussed reaction]

I'm told that this band, and I guess this album, is named after a boxer. A boxer! I don't think anyone is thinking "tough" when they think of "Sugar Ray" now. Mark McGrath looks like he could get knocked over by heavy wind!

[laughter, shot of Greg Giraldo cackling]

That's why they called Mark a one-hit wonder! That's all it took for him to get knocked to the ground unconscious!

[Giraldo spits out his water]

You know, it's funny that they named this album Sugar Ray. I can't think of an album that sounds more like generic '90s alt-rock than this. They might as well have called the album Weezer! Move over Blue Album! Here comes the Blew Album!

[mild laughter, Gilbert Gottfried is looking confused]

I guess homonyms don't really translate in a roast. It looked better in the album review. You know who doesn't look better in album reviews? Sugar Ray.

[Whitney Cummings slaps Jeff Ross's back while laughing]

You know, it always confused me that Mark McGrath was the member of Sugar Ray who made it big in the celebrity world. Sure, he's got the looks of a man who crafted a new head out of melted Crazy Bones plastic, but c'mon. Surely there are other Sugar Ray members who deserved to get hired as an Extra correspondent. DJ Homicide is right there!

[shot of DJ Homicide in the audience, shrugging his shoulder, like, "it's true!"]

And I gotta say, Sugar Ray, these guys were ahead of the curve! Listen to that autotune in "Ours." I mean, this was years before autotune became a big sensation! Wow. And to think, Sugar Ray was using this futuristic, complicated technology to sing about having threesomes!

[laughter, shot of Lisa Lampanelli laughing a little too hard]

I mean, jeez, how creepy can these guys be? And you thought the sight of Mark McGrath's shiny face was the creepiest part of this band! No! Then again, this is the same band whose enduring lyrics include the immortal "shut the door, baby, don't say a word." Sounds like... sounds like those Saw movies, honestly.

[mild laughter, Lampanelli spits out her water]

Okay, alright, let's not get on his case too much. Jigsaw... I mean Mark, Mark McGrath. He really is a sweet guy. Have you seen the halo hanging on his bedpost?

[smattering of boos]

That's not on this album, I know, fine, I deserve those boos. Man, this roast is turning into a disasterpiece.

[silence]

What, no reaction to that? It's a reference to the last song on the 2001 album Sugar Ray! You people just proved that no one has ever made it to the end of this album!

[Natasha Leggero slaps her forehead, like, "why didn't I think of that?"]

Don't worry, I listened to it for you. That's right! I listened to the entire album. About ten or twenty times. This isn't a roast, this is small-claims court. I'm suing Mark McGrath to get my time back.

[Mark McGrath can't react to any of this, by the way, as his face is frozen from all the botox]

But you must've heard the first song, right? "Answer the Phone." Or as I like to call it: "blink-182's lawyers inform them that Mark McGrath is not answering the phone."

[laughter]

Those guys were taking off their pants and jacking it. Hey, at least they knew when to take a hint! "Answer the Phone" sounds like Mark McGrath harassing some poor girl. At least there's no autotune on this one!

[Jeff Foxworthy chuckles and claps]

You guys know why there was never a Sugar Ray fan club back in the '90s? Because in order to form a club, you need to have more than zero people present.

[Jeff Ross is SHOCKED at the AUDACITY]

Ladies and gentlemen, Gilbert Gottfried is here. The great Gilbert Gottfried! Welcome, friend. Mark McGrath wanted so badly for Gilbert Gottfried to be here. He said to me, he said, "Joe, we need Gilbert Gottfried at the roast!" and I said "why?" and he responded, "because compared to me, that man can really sing!"

[loud laughter, Gilbert Gottfried holds up the palms of his hands and nods in mock humility]

Have you heard "Under the Sun," Gilbert?

[he looks confused, and shakes his head no]

Of course not! Who listens to this shit!

[mild laughter, Gottfried spits out his water]

But this song, man, this might be one of the worst ones on the album. Total bummer. A total admittance of the fact that Sugar Ray's best days were already behind them. Yes, things used to be better back in the day. It's true! The world was better back when people were listening to KROQ and listening to Culture Club and not a single person on earth knew who Sugar Ray was!

[shot of Patrice O'Neal belly laughing]

Let's all be like Raymond. Just a guy I know. Raymond goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor is worried that Raymond has diabetes. And so Raymond gets worried too, and he's like, "Well what can I do, doc?" And the doctor responds.... "No more sugar, Ray!"

[laughter]

Listen to Raymond's doctor! No more Sugar Ray! We're all tired of it. But we all knew that. We knew that McGrath was going to be catching shit in this Comedy Central Roast of Mark McGrath. This is a Comedy Central Roast! Unless you try to enact a Muslim ban and cheat on your wife with Laura Loomer after this, there's nowhere to go but down! Mark McGrath is a nobody with a few hits!

[mild applause]

Aw, c'mon, that wasn't too harsh! Think about it! Sugar Ray is a band whose last notable hit was literally called "When It's Over." It's been over for decades at this point! C'mon, people!

[Jon Lovitz look uncomfortable; Jeff Ross is shaking his head]

There are some hooks, but c'mon! Seriously! This shit is bad! Don't let the hooks trick you! Any dumb fucking '90s radio rock band could hire some asshole to come up with a few good hooks! What else did this band have? Nothing! Nothing! They are shit! Mark McGrath, you are a worthless asshole! Your music is bad! It's always been bad! Fuck!

[Mark McGrath literally hasn't moved this entire time]

Okay... jeez. Sorry about that. I just didn't like this album. Mark McGrath? I don't know. He seems fine. This might not even be the real Mark McGrath! It might be a wax figure from Madame Tussauds for all I know. But what I do know, for sure, is that I'd rather listen to a silent wax figure of Mark McGrath than the real Mark McGrath sing any more of these shitty half-baked songs anymore.

[mild laughter, Ross spits out his water again]

Alright, up next is Jeff Ross. Jeff! C'mon up. Jeff keeps showing up at these things, even though no one wants him and he hasn't been relevant in over a decade. So he's pretty much the Mark McGrath of the roasting world.

[Nick DiPaolo has fallen asleep]

Jeff, get up here! Mark, thanks so much for agreeing to do this roast. I want you to know that I love you, that you're a great friend, and that your dumb band trying to place a country song toward the end of your 2001 album Sugar Ray was one of the worst, dumbest, more ignorant decisions that any '90s alt-rock band has ever made. Fuck your music. Thanks Mark! Thanks everybody!

[laughter, commercial break]

GRADE: 1.5 pukes out of 5