Tigers Blood, Pat

Record Club is proud to present the following episode of Mountain Monsters: "The Blood Tiger of Waxahatchee Creek."

[INT: PICKUP TRUCK. TRAPPER, BUCK, JEFF, and HUCKLEBERRY sit in TRAPPER'S pickup for the pre-hunt briefing.]

Trapper: We're here in Shelby County, Alabama, and we're here to hunt the Blood Tiger of Waxahatchee Creek. Now this sonofabitch is fourteen feet long and 1800 pounds.

Buck: Sounds like your type, Huckleberry!

[All laugh.]

Trapper: All right, boys, let's get right back to it.

Jeff: The Blood Tiger was first sighted in the late 1900s by Auburn football players who had traveled to Shelby County as part of their annual hazing ritual. They described it as the "evil spawn" of a tiger and a man, since it had small, crude, usable hands on his front legs.

Huckleberry: Now that ain't right.

Buck: That's the worst thing I've heard of since I walked in on Huckleberry doing naked yoga.

[All laugh again.]

Jeff: Now, we have reason to believe that the Blood Tiger is actually three sisters. According to my research....

Trapper: [cutting Jeff off] Now this first witness is way out in the holler. He's a hard man to find. He lives out in the deep, deep woods, where no man has ever stepped foot.

[The team arrives in a field to speak to the witness, MJ. There is a sign visible above the treeline. Though it is pixelated for legal reasons, it is clearly a sign for Burger King.]

MJ: I was driving my fan boat around Lone Star Lake and I saw this big, cat-looking thing standing on the shore.

Trapper: How big was it?

MJ: Maybe 2,000 or 3,000 pounds

Jeff: What did its hands look like?

MJ: They looked like hands.

[TEAM reacts in astonishment. Cut to BUCK in a talking head interview.]

Buck: Now I was skeptical, but MJ's report seemed really believable. This thing is the scariest thing I've heard of since Huckleberry's girl.

[Camera pans out to show HUCKLEBERRY standing next to BUCK. He is not laughing.]

[EXT: JUNKYARD. WILLY is piling chain link fences. WILD BILL is chasing a bird with a crossbow.]

Willy: So we've gotta build a trap that can hold a 4,000-pound tiger with hands.

Wild Bill: This ol' tiger not gonna know what got her with ol' Willy and ol' Bill on her [bleep].

Willy: So the plan is to use this old refrigerator, children's seesaw, water bed, and hydraulic press to build a catapult. When the Blood Tiger walks onto the platform, the trap will spring and launch her into the air.

Wild Bill: That's gonna be the last of ol' Mrs. Blood Tiger. 'Cause if she comes down, she's gon' deal with ol' Wild Bill and his HUH! Caustic buck knife! And my ol' HUH! Tiger fighter!

[WILD BILL waves a crowbar over his head]

That [bleep] chugger gon' be some gooooood stew for this ol' Marine. 

[EXT: FOREST. Camera has changed to night vision. The team is holding torches.]

Trapper: Now this sonofabitch hunts at night. Buck, you take Huckleberry and Wild Bill and go on top of the ridge line. The rest of us will push the Blood Tiger toward the catapult. We gotta move fast, because these torches burn out at midnight.

Buck: Then we'd be in more trouble than Huckleberry at a clean shirt contest!

[All laugh except HUCKLEBERRY, who stares off into the distance. BUCK'S team walks into the woods.]

Jeff: Hold on! I got something on thermal! It's ice cold!

Trapper: Tigers are cold-blooded! That's the goddam Blood Tiger!

[TRAPPER raises his rifle. WILLY, who is standing behind him, also raises his rifle so that TRAPPER'S head is directly in the line of fire.]

Jeff: It's gone!

Trapper: We gotta move out and do a 365 degree search of the....

[Suddenly, the camera shakes violently. Screams can be heard. When the crew comes back into focus, TRAPPER and WILLY are lying on the ground. JEFF has somehow gotten his head stuck in a nearby tree. WILD BILL is standing amongst the chaos.]

Willy: Bill, are you ok?!

Wild Bill: HUH! I'm good, bro! This ol' mountain hog got bored and decided to chase that there Mrs. Blood Tiger with my woods karate.

[Suddenly, a twig snaps. The team begins screaming and pointing their shotguns wildly in every direction. HUCKLEBERRY emerges from the bushes, covered in blood and holding a machete.]

Trapper: Huckleberry! You ok?! Did the Blood Tiger get Buck?

Huckleberry: What? Oh, uh, yeah. Buck got attacked by the... uh... the wolves, or whatever we're hunting. Yeah, he didn't make it.

Willy: Man, this thing is evil!

Wild Bill: That's [bleep]. That's a crime of the heart there, bro.

Trapper: Well if this sonofabitch is gonna take out one of us, we're gonna teach her a lesson she'll never forget! Run it back, boys. It's didactic!

Jeff: Huck, you might wanna wash up. My research says the Blood Tiger is attracted to the scent of bl....

[Suddenly, an inhuman cry pierces the night. The last thing the camera sees is KATIE CRUTCHFIELD leaping out of the bushes toward the team. The video goes black, but the audio continues. Screaming and wet crunching can be heard.]

Favorite Songs: "Right Back to It," "Bored," "The Wolves'

Rating: 🐍🐍
2 out of 5 copperheads banging a tambourine