Song of the Day: "What If..."

A column about music, and about how the music informs our lives. Today's author is Joe. See the previous songs HERE.

"What If..."

Modern Baseball

from Holy Ghost

2016

A problem I have is that I think about the blog too much, and it becomes a problem because I'll occasionally dream that I'm blogging, and I sometimes can't remember whether the subject I dreamed about actually ended up being published, or if it remained in my dreams. This is my way of apologizing in advance if it turns out that I already wrote about this. I couldn't find anything in the search function, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing something. Here you go, from dream to real life. I think. Wait, are we still dreaming?

If so, I'm dreaming about one of my favorite jokes: that professional sports are scripted. I feel like I hear it the most about football, but you can apply it to any sport. It's a winking joke, at least when I tell it, because even as I'm telling the joke, the implication is that I don't actually believe that sports are scripted. I suppose there really are people who believe that the NFL is fake, but the trick is to repeat what those people say while also making those people the butt of the joke.

It would be pretty unfeasible for a few reasons. One, because that's too big of a secret to be contained in this day and age. If the NFL really was entirely fake, then someone in a position to know the truth (the thousands of paid actors, namely, plus their tens of thousands of family members) would've already spilled the beans. Two, because this shit is happening live. People who see it in person would eventually be able to make the connection that what they are seeing is being filmed, with multiple takes, and edits afterward. Three, because playing sports requires a lot of skill, and even if a script said "on pitch number seven, hit a home run," that doesn't mean any player can automatically follow that script on cue. 

Here's what I'm proposing though: what if we built our own league, and made it very clear and obvious that it was scripted? What I'm saying is that we treat this like any other scripted TV program, and hire a bunch of professional (current or ex) baseball players as actors, organize them into teams, create a schedule that they actually follow, hire a bunch of writers to come up with all the storylines, and have everyone follow the script, but then film it as if it's a real baseball game? So you'd have the same game length, on-screen graphics, all the same rules as the MLB, except that it's fictional. Everyone is following the agreed-upon storyline. What is captured on camera is edited to appear as if it's a real game, e.g. if it takes an actor seven pitches to hit a home run but the script called for three, four of the pitches are edited out before airing. 

I'm imagining something like WWE, except for baseball, with the rules in-tact. Like, it's not going to devolve into a home run down the line being called a foul ball because the first baseman smacked the first base umpire with a steel chair. The rules remain there, as they always have. It's just fake. Scripted so that they games are at maximum excitement.

Would there be a market for this? I would be interested. It would just require there to be an investment in the unreality of the endeavor. Remember how everyone was obsessed with WWF being "fake" back in the day? Can't have any of that for my fake baseball season. Make it clear, in a winking way, that it's scripted. But then don't let any of the actors break character. Let them pretend it is real just like the actors on a soap opera are constantly "on" on-screen. You understand what I'm trying to say.

Real professional baseball is becoming more and more artificial as the years go on. Sabermetrics and argued calls and steroids and inhuman pitchers with three years on their arms before Tommy John surgery. I'm sure AI umpires are just around the corner. I say we lean into the curve before all the players are robots too. Just make them actors. Give us some excitement. Instead of relying on these maga antivaxxer moron athletes to occasionally provide us with entertainment, why not write a script and make the excitement constant? Get the asses in the seats.

Now all I need is like three billion dollars and I can make this dream a reality.