oh my GAWD my arthritis is KILLIN me right now, I can barely move, oh gawd. my bones and muscles are twisted heaps of metal in a car crash, oh gawd, oh gawd, why. I went down to the grocery store today like I always do on Wednesdays and I was paying the clerk there in the express aisle, the only gawd darn one in the whole darn county that ain't coverted to those fancy self-service robot thingies, and I'm writing a check for twenty-something dollars and all of a sudden I grasp my wrist like OH OW OW OH OW!!!! and it's real bad, real real bad. and the clerk is there, all nineteen years of him just standin there rolling his eyes like he can't be bothered to help an old lady no wait MIDDLE AGED i'm not that old I may look old but I'm still able to move around and get to the grocery store on my own, always on my own after my dearest husband phillip died too many years ago now, oh GAWD how i miss him so. And our son, our poor son, he doesn't talk to me any more, JOHNNY!!! OH GAWD, JOHNNY!!!! what happened to us, what happened to my boy, oh gawd. and it's HURTING in every single bone in my body, every single joint sings with pain, starting from the wrist at the grocers and now the pain spreading, oh gawd, and i'm stuck here on my couch like the gawd darn Tin Man without his oil. ANd the TV has been stuck on the same channel for days now, i can't get up to change it, JOHNNY WHERE ARE YOU I NEED HELP, and it's been unchanged on the channel with the tv show, american sitcome thing where they have two married couples and they all hate each other and spend the whole 22 minutes hating each other and making it very clear that they hate each other. I dont understand it, how could i understand what it means to hate yur husband, i loved every minute i had with my husband, how can these people, these gawd durn liberals piss away what makes like worth it, the connection, oh GAWD i wish my son could change the remote, iw oudnlt have to see TIL DEATH, the american sitcome, and the episode toinight, as I sit twisted on the couch in diagonal directions, muscles jagged and raw, some kind of illness spreading through me, even my eyelids hurt, hurt too much to close them as I see the tall man from that little mouse movie, stuart, there was a plumber, the tall man was the plumber, i would swear on it, my little johnny used to watch that movie so so so many times, JOHNNY!!!!, the tall man lies to his wife, says theres band practice, but there isn't band practice, he's just lying to his hot wife, and in a twist, it turns out his wife is lying to him too, making it seem like she has so many bills to pay but really shes off to broadway with her friend, charles i think, one of the gays, and the man from the teen movie with the pie, you know, the pale one, he's the tall plumbers neighbor, and hes saying that he's needing some space, like alone from his wife, character actress Kat Foster, my dear late husband would have NEVER, i say NEVER treated me like that, we spent every minute every second that we could together, until johnny went away, and then things became tense, i'll admit, after what JOHNNY DID, oh god, I can't even speak to it now, i don't care though, i just want him home, my son, my boy, my precious beautiful boy, pleasse Johnny come home, watch telly with your mother, help me stretch these old bones , i am supine on the couch and i need HELP oh GAWD please someone, please. The tall plumber and his hot wife come to an udnerstanding eventually, that they both need and deserve their alone time, and sure sure all is fine and well in Cheltenham, PA, but please, PLEASE know that there is a limit here, that alone time becomes loneliness so quickly, that you blink and realize it's been seven days and the only people you've seen that whole time have been on your telvision screen, two married couples hating each other, five episodes in a row, oh GAWD i need to try to get up off this couch, but i can't, i can't oh GAWD the PAIN!!!!!!!!! oh gawd. i'm lying transfixed at the tv, not on purpose, and i stare at the tv screen and the large bold capital letters appear on the screen and say TIL DEATH and it feels at this point like an epitaph, a message of death to ME as i lie here and cannot move and feel like i'm gonna DIE oh GAWD please i need HELP and i have a feeling the if i scream loud enough maybe someone will hear me or maybe they need alone time too
GRADE: 5 pukes out of 5 (no choice, no choice)
NEXT TIME: "Your Mother or Your Wife"
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