Shaq Diesel, Pat

When I was given the options for a Record Club Summer album, my choice was clear.

I love bad art. Bad art is creative in ways that good art could never intentionally be. Indulging terrible art is also good for the world at-large. To paraphrase author Robert Evans, every time you consume bad art, you're preventing a potential Hitler from dropping out of art school. There's a moral imperative to watch movies like Verotika to stop guys like Glenn Danzig from running for Congress. 

So when I saw a rap album by Shaquille O'Neal, I was enamored. Shaquille O'Neal is many things: a basketball Hall of Famer, an ornery sports commentator, a series of memes, a genie, and a guy who will advertise any product, no questions asked. But I'd never heard of Shaq as a rapper. My inner Lisa Simpson was piqued. 

Having listened to Shaq Diesel though, I regret to inform you that the album is completely fine. This is not the vanity project ass-disaster I was hoping for. Shaquille O'Neal is a surprisingly competent rapper. Maybe not a great lyricist (his sole writing credit is on the noticeably corny "Let Me In, Let Me In"), but his flow is pretty decent. This album doesn't even crack the Top 50 Most Confusing Things Shaq Has Ever Done.

That's not to say it's a great album, or even a good album. It's too gimmicky to be taken seriously. I guess East Coast hip hop centered on basketball ("Shoot Pass Slam") makes sense. But Looney Tunes ("What's Up Doc (Can We Rock)") and the Three Little Pigs ("Let Me In, Let Me In"), not as much. I think "Boom!" was completely recorded and cut before Fu-Schnickens realized "Oh crap, we forgot to include Shaq!" I will admit, hearing Shaq and Phife Dawg yell back and forth on "Where Ya At?" made me laugh, because Shaq sounded legitimately annoyed at Phife. 

But why? Why did Jive Records take a flyer on Shaq? Was it because he was coming off a successful NBA debut? Yes, but within that fact there is an even simpler truth. Shaq is tall. We trust tall people to do things, even (especially!) things they have no business doing. Shaq is 7'1" and was allowed to record four rap albums. John Fetterman is 6'8" and is now a Senator, a job he despises. I'm 6'3" and Joe gave me a weekly column. I respect Joe's deadlines because he is also tall. It's tall boy courtesy. Life is fundamentally unfair. 

Pat's Rating: 🤮🤮

2 out of 5 Phife Dawgs nasty like vomit (couldn't clean it with Comet)