A song-by-song review of this fuckin' Shaq album.
1) "Intro" — An easy way to make yourself a cool $50-$250 approximately 20 years ago was to pitch a website on a listicle about the best NBA players who also rapped. I never actually pitched this myself, but I know no fewer than two people who had by-lines on publications with this exact concept (I have checked and both articles have been scrubbed from the internet, though cards on the table I don't know that I remember the one guy's name. He and I did day-laborer work at some guy's house in Atlantic City and only really talked during lunch). The truth of the matter is that none of these NBA players are anywhere near as good at rap as they are at basketball, so listening to their work—even at the relatively highest level—is a little like eating a meal at Penn and Teller's house. The food might be fine, but I'd rather be seeing one of you drowning the other.
2) "(I Know I Got) Skillz" — I really expected more from the new Texas 3000 EP, but that's as likely a symptom of me not paying close attention to the band as it is them making something unappealing. When I think of the band, I rarely get past "Connector Fuck Man," which is a totemic recent emo song with its galloping, howling, equine energy. That's an all-timer all on its own, and that's before you get to something like "Shanburuon," which is the best shoegaze revival song of them all, or even "Tomorrow's King," which is cubist indie rock. That cubist idea is the through-line of Weird Dreams, which has one phenomenal song (that would be "Strange Cherry Red") and four curios. You get some spoken word rap, you get some guttural, atona noise drone, and you get some high-pitched plinking and plonking. It's all worth it for "Strange Cherry Red," and for the growing list of powerfully whip-ass songs these cats are putting together. They demand to be noticed, even if they refuse to cohere.
3) "I'm Outstanding" — My Apologies to the Chef by Winona Fighter is fine, perhaps fine+. There's nothing wrong with it, I just am not quite in a straight-ahead pop-punk moment. Even with that caveat, "You Look like a Drunk Phoebe Bridgers" is worth a look. You can catch a few whiffs of Paramore on the chorus (you know the song), and the de-accelerating bridge goes a long way making that big-ass chorus feel welcome when it returns to close the song out. It's a classic formula, deployed artfully and professionally. If this gets you going, check the album out.
4) "Where Ya At?" (ft. Phife Dawg) — Man, I hope Phife got paid well for this shit. I get the impression that Shaq is eternally in some form of bankruptcy or receivership, but I will not be doing any work to solidify or amend that feeling. Check out "Do You Love Minecore?" by Haggus. Best way I can describe this song is "what if Rancid was less into rap and way more into Cookie Monster-voice metal music?" The whole catalog doesn't hold up, but this one is well worth a minute or two.
5) "I Hate 2 Brag" — I'm lukewarm on "cowpunk" as a concept. Too many punks turn to Americana when they become too old to scream (which I understand functionally—they aren't called "cowboy chords" for nothing), and the larger cultural turn to country as the nation dips into fascism does nothing to engender the concept to me. However, this here emo-country EP by Westside Cowboy really scratches many of my itches. Gilson will tell you that "Drunk Surfer" is the on-ramp, but I suggest trying "Alright Alright Alright" first, then scope out the rest of the EP.
6) "Let Me In, Let Me In" — Alien Boy is two-for-two with above-average power-pop albums, though I don't know that anything on You Wanna Fade? has the immediate punch of "The Way I Feel" from the band's 2021 effort. Still and all, it's exciting to hear a new band that sounds like it has enough legs/riffs on its influences to build a sustained career. We might get a goddamn sixth album out of this band someday, and wouldn't that be sweet? If you're into the Pains of Being Pure at Heart or the greater works of Mazzy Star, this is something to rock with, I think.
7) "Shoot Pass Slam" — This is a good spot to share this forthcoming news: In addition to a 2025 Titus Andronicus bracket, I will be publishing the inaugural Joyce Manor bracket on PoYB sometime in the next ten weeks or so. The committee is meeting to conduct seeding and early round matchups in September, so if you have a perspective on that, please reach out to me via my cell phone or email address. Frankly, there's no guarantee that I will respond to either, but those are your best bets.
I do not believe that "All My Friends Are So Depressed" will make the list, but I am pleased to know the boys from Torrence are getting back to it, and will perhaps be releasing another eighteen to 22 minutes of tight poppy punk music to rock out to. "Keylime pie and Frampton Live / wish that I would fucking die" is the shit I sign up for with this band, and they are delivering.
8) "Boom!" — CHEAP CITY ALERT! I forget which series of keywords brought me to Cheap City back in 2024, but Blue Dancers was an album I spent a lot of time with in the intervening months, and would have made my best-of list had I made one. A lot of bands have, in my estimation, tried to swim in the same gutter-punk musical waters that Bomb the Music Industry! canalled with dynamite a decade+ ago. These Rhode Island art-sleazes are the first to actually cross the channel and prove that Rosenstock isn't the only guy who can get really into Elton John and 40oz drinks. A Must Check Out from the Ol' Nate Dogg to you.
What was I supposed to be doing?
9) "Are You a Roughneck?" — Oh, right, this Shaq album. Hey, it sucks as it turns out. I could probably ask PoYB EiC more privately, but I'll just do it here: When you put an album like this on a list for people to listen to, what are you hoping for? You must know this is bad. Are you looking for people to redeem a piece of garbage? Are you looking for someone to find a pearl and bring a new perspective to something that is agreed to be waste? Are you being a merry prankster and just showing us all a dog turd? Like, what's the angle here? And don't play coy with me, don't lay some "I have no expectations! I just want people to listen to music!" shit on me, because even if that's true, there's still a level of editorial authorship involved. As I think about this, I should probably go back and read the "why I picked it" section of the Sunday write-up and see if that gets you off the hook. Hang on a second.
10) "Giggin' on 'Em" — Phife on this twice! He must really have liked Shaq / money!
Alright, it looks like we voted on a number of certain-to-be-miserable albums and this one was the winner. My questions above still stand. What's the bit here, Joe K?
Speaking of bits, this review is over.
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