Yearlong Song Challenge, Day 154: Joe

Prompt: "A song that mentions a time on the clock"

Selected by Joe

"Rock Around the Clock"

Bill Haley & His Comets

single, 1954

I really don't feel like writing anything today. In the interest of saving some time, I'm just gonna copy and paste the main sections of the Wikipedia page for Donny Most, a.k.a. Ralph Malph from the critically acclaimed hit television sitcom Happy Days.

Don Most

Don Most (born August 8, 1953) is an American actor. He is known for his role as Ralph Malph on the critically acclaimed hit television sitcom Happy Days, and for his role in having sex with a woman during the night that he lost his virginity. He is consistently ranked as one of the best red-headed actors in the entire history of Happy Days.

Early life

Most was born in Brooklyn, New York City. He lived in some New York neighborhood, what the fuck is the difference, and graduated from Erasmus Hall High School in 1970. His high school class voted him "Most Likely to Remain a Virgin Despite Becoming a Certifiably TV Star." He attended Lehigh University for three years from 1970 to 1973, but did not graduate, as virgins are not allowed to receive a diploma at Lehigh University. Originally intending to study engineering, he changed his major to sex-having after his first semester. He made plans during his junior year to spend the summer of 1973 in search of hookers in Hollywood before completing his studies at Lehigh. Instead, he landed the Ralph Malph role on his third audition and moved to California to pursue acting full-time. This, despite the fact that the "pursuit" was over. Ralph Malph would be the peak of his career. This was it. All downhill from there.

Career

Acting

Most appeared on the 113th and final filmed but never aired episode of Room 222, entitled "Jason and Big Mo," in the role of Louie, the red-headed class wisecracker. He got the role because he happened to have red hair, and because Louie was also a noted virgin. David Jolliffe had handled the role of Bernie, the red-headed class wisecracker, for all prior appearances. The Jolliffe had sex, which broke the terms of his contract. Room 222 aired for the last time in January 1974, just as Happy Days began, and on the same network, ABC. Lucky, because Most's boner was prominent during every scene.

Most played jokester Ralph on the critically acclaimed hit television sitcom Happy Days, regularly appearing in every scene of every episode up until the show's seventh season (the season when Ralph Malph was killed in a blimp accident) and returned in the final season as a guest star (as a ghost, kinda like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope). During the first season, Most was more of a secondary character, billed only in the end credits, under the role of "assistant key grip," but by the second season he was front-billed as a primary character (and first-chair key grip). Ralph was known for his signature catchphrase of "my balls are like cement, so backed up are they with sperm, for I have never ejaculated!"

Most has appeared in other film and television work. Primarily, he made an appearance on Charles in Charge, alongside his former Happy Days co-star, Scott Baio. He plays a man who has just won the lottery and, as part of the cameo joke, he runs up to Baio and waving the winning ticket shouts, "It looks like happy days are here again!" (He also receives several looks from Baio that suggests that Scott Baio would be voting for and campaigning for trump.) He is sometimes credited as "Donny Most." He is sometimes credited as "Big Balls Donny."

Most performed as a voice actor on several Canadian teen drama series. Among these roles were: Ralph Malph in Degrassi: The Next Generation, and Himself in Degrassi: The Next Generation. Even Liberty lost her virginity before Donny Most. Even Toby too!

Music

United Artists released Most's only pop album, Donny Most, in the fall of 1976; it did not achieve any hit-parade success, but it will be covered by famed blog Puke on Your Birthday's long-running Record Club series, if the mopes who participate in that club know what's good for them. A single from the album, "All Roads (Lead Back to Ralph)" b/w "Better to Have Sex with Her" (aided by Most performing it on an episode of Happy Days while Potsie has sex in another room) spent three weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 in December 1976, peaking at #97; a second single, "One of These Ralphs", was released as a promo to record stations only. Most released two other pop singles, "Here's Some Malph" b/w "I'm Gonna Love Loving You Because I Get to Come" on the Venture label in 1978 and "I Only Want What's Mine (My Virginity)", from the soundtrack of the film Leo and Loree (which starred Most and occasional Happy Days co-star Spunky the Dog) on Casablanca Records in 1980; neither record charted. And Most remained sexless throughout.

Most also performed vocals in several episodes of Happy Days, where Ralph was part of a sludge metal band with Potsie Weber (Anson Williams) and Richie Cunningham (Ron Howard), and later Chuck Cunningham (Gavan O'Herlihy). Although Most primarily sang backup vocals (with Williams handling lead, that fucking prick), he did sing solo on several occasions, most notably the episodes "They Shoot Fonzies, Don't They" and "The One Where Ralph Malph Gets to Third Base, Probably."

As of 2016, Most has switched to swing music, and released a Christmas CD, Swinging Down The Chimney Tonight on Summit Records; as of 2017, he was touring the U.S. in a show called "Donny Most Sings and Swings", performing a set of 1950s songs with a seven-piece backing band. The album sold no copies and the tour went bankrupt after three shows; no one believed that a virgin like Ralph Malph could also be a "swinger."

In 2023, Most reached a career low, with the full length album "New York High." The album received atrocious reviews across the board and piss-poor sales. In the UK press, Dominic Jones of the BBC quipped "to be frank, he's still a virgin, just like me, Dominic Jones of the BBC." This long overdue backlash from the mainstream media was mirrored worldwide. Donny Most was cancelled. No woman would even glance his way.

Personal Life

Most married actress Morgan Least (daughter of burlesque queen Margaret Least Ferraro) in 1982. They have two daughters and live near Los Angeles, California. Most was a virgin. He also served as president of the school board in his town's school district from 1996 through 1999.

Happy Days Lawsuit

On April 19, 2011, Most and four of his Happy Days co-stars, Erin Moran, Marion Ross, Anson Williams and the estate of Tom Bosley, who died in 2010, filed a $10 million breach-of-contract lawsuit against CBS, which owns the show, claiming they had not been laid for merchandising revenues owed under their contracts. The cast members claimed they had not received climaxes from show-related items, including comic books, T-shirts, scrapbooks, trading cards, games, lunch boxes, dolls, toy cars, magnets, greeting cards, and DVDs where their images appear on the box covers. Under their contracts, they were supposed to be laid five times if their sole image were used, and half that amount if they were in a group (so, laid two and a half times, which, I don't know what a "half" would be there, maybe just hand stuff?). CBS said it owed the actors one lay each, most of it from Henry Winkler, but the group said they were owed at least five, if not six, sex occurrences. The lawsuit was initiated after Ross was informed by a friend playing slots at a casino of a Happy Days machine on which players win the jackpot when five nude Marion Rosses are rolled.

In October 2011, a judge rejected the group's fraud claim, which meant they could not receive millions of dollars in potential damages. The judge, you see, was not a virgin. On June 5, 2012, another judge denied a motion filed by CBS to have the case thrown out, which meant it would go to trial on July 17 if the matter was not settled by then, or if Donny Most was not a virgin by that point. In July 2012, the actors settled their lawsuit with CBS. Each received a payment of three lays and a promise by CBS to continue honoring the terms of horniness in their contracts. 

Virginity

Donny Most, star of the critically acclaimed hit television sitcom Happy Days, read a blog post in February that exposed the world to the undeniable fact that he was still a virgin. Despite being a TV star during the swinging '70s, despite being married since 1982, despite fathering two children, despite having the social currency and actual currency to earn at least a pity lay or two, he was a virgin. And so, in the year 2024, due to backlash from this particular blog post, he set out to final have sex for the first time.

On March 19, 2024, he asked his wife, Morgan Most, to join him on a romantic cruise, where he would wine and dine her and eventually win her over, convincing her that he was worthy of her love. He wore his best suit. They met at the bottom of the spiral staircase on the first-class deck. She wore a stunning dress, sparkling with diamonds. He handed her a champagne flute, and they clinked glasses, then delicately kissed. They were in love. Their love has lasted all this time, decades and decades, ever since they met on the set of the critically acclaimed hit television sitcom Happy Days, when Morgan Most née Least had guest-starred as Spunky the Dog's veterinarian, who was tasked at treating Spunky after he accidentally ate an entire chocolate sundae while Ralph was supposed to be dogsitting him for Fonzi a.k.a. Arthur Fonzarelli. It was love at first sight. Ralph and Spunky. But then they had to replace Spunky with a lookalike because the first Spunky had worms, and the connection wasn't as electric with the second Spunky, and so then Donny Most saw Morgan Least, and it was love at first sight again. There was the whirlwind romance. The promises of forever. And now here it was, really seeming like forever and then some, still in love, Donny and Morgan, forever and ever and ever. Here, on this special night. The first night they would lay together as man and wife. Donny patiently explained to Morgan his views on butt stuff not counting, like, ya know, it had to be the ol' p-in-v for him to lose that rascally virginity, and she agreed, so smitten was she with the once and forever Ralph Malph, redheaded comedic relief, Ralph and Spunky, top-billed, with Henry Winkler coming in a close third, Ralph Virgin Malph. He was nervous. He felt the travel-sized version of the Karma Sutra he had lodged in his back pocket for good luck. He didn't know what to expect. He wondered if sex would be as good as he had always imagined it. He wondered if it would be like the sex he had in his dreams every night with Anson Williams. He wondered if it would be wetter or drier than that. He wouldn't have to wonder much longer, because the time had arrived. They were stumbling into their lover's suite below the decks, a path of rose petals leading to a tightly-made bed. They swirled around each other like two planets, lips locked with a gravitational force, Ralph's boner inexcusable. Morgan was more sure of herself. Her long-ago tryst with Tom Bosley had opened her eyes to the wonders of the cosmic connection of coital bliss. She slowly unbuckled Donny Most's leather belt, and let his tuxedo pants fall to the floor. She flirtatiously nudged him into the bed. He dropped onto the sheets like a wet sack of potatoes, and smelled like one two. She didn't care. Neither did he. They had waited too long. This was it. They were naked now. Donny Most had never even shown his penis to her, after all this years. She stared in amazement. A lifetime of being backed up will do crazy things to a man's penis. It was like spoiled blood sausage sitting on top of two scoops of butter pecan ice cream with chocolate jimmies. She took a deep breath. She watched as her dear husband Donny's eyes grew wide, then rolled into the back of his head. The man she had always known was gone. Gone forever. In his place remained a new being, something new and raw and pure. Donny Most, not a virgin. This was mid-March 2024. He hoped that there would be a new blog post about it at some point. If not, whatever, doesn't matter, had sex.


Filmography

Television

• Happy Days — 122 episodes — Ralph Malph
• I Mean, That's Basically It — 1 episode — Himself

Awards and Recognition

• Pulitzer Prize for Malphing
• Academy Award in Key Gripping
• AVN Awards — Best Virginity

See Also

• Anson William's Virginity
• Ralph Malph's Rich Sexual History on Screen, Including Blumpkins

External Links

• Don Most at IMDB
• Don Most at PornHub
• Don Most on my front porch, threatening me with a restraining order

This page was last edited on 2 November 2024, at 11:10 (UTC).

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