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Prompt:
Author: Zach
Requested feedback: I'm struggling to judge whether this dialogue is any good and whether the whole second half of this piece (starting from the part where they run into each other the second time to the end) even works at all. If the ending is satisfying, or if it needs more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She had installed the black sheet at the bottom of the side window to her office, vanquishing that last line of sight for anyone who passed by. Just her and the work that piled up and of course her phone and her friends, the same friends, over and over. She was sick of their little chats.
The boy walked around here and there, always smiling, mostly keeping to himself, sometimes talking to the others, the coworkers all around her. But for the most part he kept to himself. He had that big office alone downstairs. When she came down to his floor she came in from the other direction, avoiding him.
"Ah, Mika," he had repeated, thoughtfully, when they had passed each other in the parking lot, her heart in her throat from the minute she saw him. "Do you know the singer? Mika?"
"Of course I know Mika," she had answered, trying to smile big.
"Well," he said, his dark green eyes piercing her. "I'll just have to remember you as a flamboyant Lebanese singer, then."
And what she really wanted to say was that she was going to karaoke that night with her friends and how she would love it if he came along and he could even sing Mika if he wanted, he could even serenade her, she would blush yes of course but she would also look up at him starry-eyed and hope he'd get down on one knee right then and there.
But she didn't do any of that. Instead she kept the same smile. Don't mess it up, she told herself. Don't mess it up.
"You can remember me that way!" she said, a little too quickly. And she turned around, to walk to her car. Stupid! she thought. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But now he was talking to her coworker next door and she really couldn't bear it anymore. She stood up slowly and slipped toward the door, stood there right at the entrance. Her ear strained to hear him.
Right then he came out, right as she had reached her ear closest to the room next door.
"Mika!" he exclaimed, happily. "Hey!"
And she stood there, frozen, unclear how she should hold her body at this very moment, this moment that she needed to come up with the exact right thing to say, each opportunity more urgent than the last!
She stepped back.
"Mika," she said, a little too loudly, before she realized the words coming out of her mouth. "Your Lebanese queen." She half-curtsied.
"At your service."
For this last bit she had adopted a faux-British accent.
He looked up, brow furrowed.
And then he laughed, nervously.
"What are you talking about?"
Her insides turned.
"I didn't mean it like that," she said softy. "I never meant it..."
"Like what?" He was looking at her more intently now, with a bit of an aggressive look on his face.
"Like," she said. "Like I never meant it... I never meant it to say..."
He looked at her, waiting.
"...to say that I really like you. A lot."
She had said it and it didn't even feel good. For sure he would report her to HR now, at this job she had worked so hard to get for so many years. None of that mattered. It was all undone.
But when she looked up at his face, all she saw was tenderness.
"Mika," he said. "Of course I remember your name. Do you want to go in there"—he motioned to the conference room—"and talk?"
She felt the tears welling up behind her eyelids. Don't cry now, she told herself. You can't afford this.
"Yes," she managed to squeak out. "Let's talk."
And he smiled at her, again, motioning her forward. "We can talk now," he said.
He turned around and started toward the conference room. She followed behind, the pit in her stomach still there, but smaller, somewhat.
Somehow.
4 comments:
I think the beats of emotion that come with admitting attraction are well-observed and feel true. I think some greater narrative distance between the insighting incident in the parking lot and the awkward accent exchange (which was very effective) would make the ending work better.
I love this comment, it's very helpful and gratifying. Thank you.
Thanks for writing this, man. I'm always wondering, with these kinds of stories, how much they are based on real experiences. Mainly because I remain in awe of people's ability to just create these kinds of details out of thin air, which is a skill I do not possess. Not that basing it on something that happened to you would make it better or worse, I'm just curious. Especially here, knowing that Mika is an artist that Zach S. likes, and so my mind immediately sees that as a clue: who was Zach, in this scenario, when it happened?
I guess those are my thoughts as your friend and not as a reader of this work in a vacuum, so let me try to do that now. I thought the dialogue was seamless. There were ample details in between the words but they weren't distracting; there were first-person revelations about the protagonist's inner emotions but they weren't obtrusive or over-explanatory. A real good balance here.
The moment of awkwardness hit so fucking hard, man. I felt that one. Assuming this was your intention (why wouldn't it be), then you nailed it.
And sure, you can always give these kinds of things more space. But that's probably difficult to do within this framework of "blog post on a Tuesday afternoon." Put a pin in it and use it for when you write that book.
Finally: I don't mention the prompts themselves too often in the feedback I leave, and I probably should. I thought it was very easy to connect what one sees in the video here with what you wrote in your story. The tension of two parties trying to figure each other out under the umbrella of potential romance. Curious as to whether you've ever seen On the Waterfront and whether your viewing or not viewing informed any of your decisions.
Thanks again!
Hey, that's awesome to hear about the dialogue. That's my biggest fear in embarking on this novel writing project - I have less experience writing dialogue, and I don't know if I can pull it off. Now I don't think I'll totally fail at it. So thank you for that feedback, and also about the moment of awkwardness.
On the issue of creating details from thin air: Most of this story is based on a real life thing that happened. There is actually a single woman named Mika who works in my office. I don't see her that often. She's cute and nice, and it's not a stretch to say I have a slight crush on her. I think she might have a crush on me, too. We actually did have a parking lot run in that went similarly to how I described it here (although not exactly), and she seemed flustered after that interaction. At least that's how I perceived it. So I decided to write something imagining what Mika's internal world as it relates to a male character (important to note that the male character here is not me, Zach, but rather an imagined version of what that character could be). The details I noted - the black sheet on her window, the texting with her friends - she does all that. So I included it. (The second interaction between Mika and the male character is totally fictional.)
And your approval of these details in your comment makes me realize that if I want to pull off this novel project I can't rely on creating details out of thin air. Because there's no way I'll be able to do. I think I have to walk around with a notebook and notice interesting details as I go through life, in every situation. And then have a repository of interesting details. And then pick and choose from that list as I see fit. I think that's the only way a novel I write can feel rich.
I've never seen On The Waterfront. I just watched this scene for a second time, and yeah, it definitely informs it. I wouldn't say the prompt was the main impetus for the story - it was more that I wanted to write this particular idea, and I noticed that it jived well with prompt - but I like the idea of an ASS submission that addresses the prompt indirectly, but also leaves to the imagination why the prompt informed it to some extent. Like, making it somewhat related, but not clearly related.
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