Yearlong Song Challenge, Day 160: Joe

Prompt: "Your least favorite holiday song, played waaaaay too early in the year"

Selected by Joe

"It's Christmas Time (in Cleveland Heights)"

The Philly Specials ft. Boyz II Men and Travis Kelce

A Philly Special Christmas Party, 2024

Fuck these losers! All of them. Fuck 'em.

I'm all aboard the Anti-Kelce train now, and there ain't no stoppin' this shit.

Mad respect for my colleague Pat, who caught the train's fumes in his nostrils earlier than a lot of us. I won't put words in his mouth and I don't think that "fuck Jason Kelce" was exactly what he was going for there, but my man had the balls to drop a hot and unforgiving take, and I'm going to try to honor that by following in his footsteps, and taking it maybe three or four steps further. 

Here is a man who had a Hall of Fame-worthy career on the football field, and it was due in part to his herculean efforts on that field that the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl. And the speech afterwards was certainly memorable, and no doubt secured his place in Philadelphia sports legend until the end of time. No one is denying any of this. I am certainly not denying it. These things are true. And if he had stopped there, then I would not be writing negative words about him.

It didn't stop there, though. The problem... I mean, there are a few problems, but the basic one is the podcast. The dude was a good center, but that doesn't mean I need to listen to him Rowlf the Dog his way through any other subject that he feels like bullshitting about. If I wanted to hear a couple of dudes relay some uncreative points about sports and dully mention the same fucking bullshit pop culture touchstones that every passive TV consumer is indulging in, then I could get that same fucking conversation by walking into literally any basement of any male family member I have. And the fact that these fucking mopes are getting paid like 400 million dollars to do the same shit I'm avoiding at family gatherings for free is insulting to me at the core of my soul.

I don't like how this is basically celebrity culture à la Us or People, but made palatable to young white heterosexual males because of its tenuous connection to young white heterosexual male sports. Let's acknowledge that Jason Kelce probably wouldn't be a terrible actor in a Wawa commercial if his brother and podcasting partner wasn't dating the most well-known celebrity in the fucking universe. Can we just acknowledge this? That just because this fucking bozo was able to stop opposing teams from hurting Nick Foles doesn't mean that it's any different when you talk about him the same way you'd talk about Paris Hilton? It's lame as hell.

Travis Kelce is almost not even worth discussing. The dude is a fucking loser, made worse by the fact that he isn't an Eagle, and made worse by the fact that he's in an almost assuredly fake relationship with an overbearing pop star (and made the absolute worst by the fact that his fake relationship to that pop star and his familial relationship to Jason Kelce means that I have to mention Taylor Swift in a blog post, which I hate doing). Honestly, the only thing that I care about Travis Kelce, at all, even the slightest, besides the fact that he and his brother stole hundreds of millions of dollars from deserving musical artists on streaming platforms by taking up way too much oxygen in the room with their dumb little podcast, besides all that, the only thing I care about is his barber. A local Rockledge dude, his barber, somehow. There are multiple Inquirer articles about it, but I still don't understand how a dude I used to make small talk with at McNally's is now running in the same circles as Taylor Swift. And as far as Travis Kelce and romance are concerned, literally the only thing I'd ever give a single fuck about is the fact that Travis Kelce's barber's little sister is one of the hottest women that I've ever spoken to in my life, and even though the only time I kissed her was down the shore when she was, I'm told, conducting a contest between friends in which she was trying to hook up with as many guys as possible in one night and I was probably like #6 of 12 or something, even then, I cherish the memory, and other than that one single moment in a back alley in Wildwood, NJ, I don't give a FUCK about Travis Kelce or anyone connected to him or who he's dating or what inane fucking nonsense he's spouting on his awful noxious podcast with his dumb fucking brother.

And fuck Boyz II Men for kowtowing to every dumb fucking Philly-specific musical ritual that's ever existed. Talk about being sniveling little shits, jesus fucking christ.

I probably could've chosen the Stevie Nicks song for this prompt too. Hey, here's a hot take for you: anyone who is debasing themselves by appearing on the THIRD Kelce brother vanity project "for charity" can go fuck themselves. That includes the immortal Stevie Nicks. FUCK STEVIE NICKS.

Probably for the best that Taylor Swift is too high and mighty (so far) to include herself on this bullshit. I'm tired of saying FUCK YOU to that woman. It's a bad look for me.

I wonder if my feelings have anything to do with the shift of Jason Kelce from being a Philebrity to straight-up celebrity. (Also pains me to use the word "philebrity," but sometimes I swallow my pride for the sake of clarity and the sake of my city.) Like, I would never consciously describe it as such, as a sort of "jealousy" or whatever, like "we had him first" type bullshit. But maybe there's unconscious truth to that. Once upon a time, he was just some ugly dude fucking up opposing defensive lines and giving drunken rambling speeches in silly costumes. Now he's out there growling about whatever the fuck in the ears of young impressionable men all over America while he gladly opens his maw and consumes the backwash of national celebrity from a talentless brother who happens to be fucking a global pop star basically because he has a good haircut? None of this seems very "Philly" to me, and if that's what got him in this position initially, being "Philly," then I think he should once and for all lose those credentials. This dude is the opposite of Philly now. He's just some fucking loser. And his hoagie selection is balls.

Merry Christmas. Fuck Jason Kelce.