S-TIL-L DEATH #23: "Performance Anxiety"

A review of S02E01 of the American sitcome 'Til Death. 

Dave suddenly realized he had been typing for the last 25 minutes without stop, and he was thirsty. He grabbed his water bottle and shook it a little bit, his (possibly subconscious at this point) way of seeing how much time he had left before he had to stand up from his desk and walk to the water dispenser. The bottle was empty. It was time. All of a sudden, his throat was parched, and he needed that water.

Rosemary didn't drink that much water. She was more of a coffee girl. Her doctor kept reminding her that she needed to drink more water, but it was tough to care. That was what old people worried about. She was about sixteen months into her first job ever, a possibly dead-end gig in payroll at some generic corporate warehouse. She was crunching numbers. Easy work. She had a cubicle all to herself. The cubicle was right up against a water dispenser, and so every 25 minutes or so, she'd hear someone filling up their water bottle.

Neither of them remembers when it started exactly, but at a certain point, Rosemary began to notice the distinct tinny sound of Dave's water bottle filling up, 20 ounces at a time, at a clip greater than once per hour. She made some indistinct quip at first, small-talk type shit, ya know, "wow, you're thirsty, third time today!" And he smirked and topped off the bottle and gave a little wave goodbye, see ya next hour.

Sixteen months of this so far, to the point that their small interactions were permanently woven into the rhythms of the day. A micro-break from crunching numbers for Rosemary, a nice and pleasant way to meet the body's simple hydration needs for Dave. He would walk over, turn 45-degrees to the left so that he could see both the water and Rosemary's face when she turned around, and say something while he kept one ear on the water making a gradually higher pitch as the bottle filled.

Neither of them remembers when the attraction began either. They hadn't talked about it yet, but I can say as your omnipotent narrator, the feelings are mutual, and they are strong. All that comes later though. For now, a short interaction example:

DAVE: So did you see it last night?

ROSEMARY: Um, yeah! Of course. I've been waiting all summer for that show to come back.

DAVE: What did you think?

ROSEMARY: I have a lot of thoughts, Dave!

DAVE: Haha I know! That's why I'm asking.

ROSEMARY: First of all, the dancing in the new opening credits is super awkward, right?

DAVE: Right?! The tall guy, ya know, whatever his name is, I still forget, um, the tall guy who voices Greasepit in that '90s cartoon Biker Mice from Mars. A really bad dancer! Maybe that was the point?

ROSEMARY: I think so. But yo, his Cosby impression was pretty good!

DAVE: Agreed. There is no way that will ever age poorly. A timeless impression. Greasypit is so good.

ROSEMARY: Overall, I just think that 'Til Death continues to adequately explore the highs and many lows of your classic American marriage.

DAVE: Not that I would know anything about that, at least not from outside of this show.

ROSEMARY: Same, Dave, same. Maybe one day though...

DAVE: Well, my water is all filled up.

ROSEMARY: See you in, what, 55 minutes?

DAVE: Haha, give or take, yeah. Have fun.

And that's basically it. Nothing too in-depth at this point. Some light banter about a television show that they both like.

Something you should know, I guess, is that, in addition to his normal duties and responsibilities in his corporate job, Dave also runs a website called TVkewlReviews.net, which pays nominal fees to writers from all over the country, and publishes their TV reviews on the same website. It's nothing important, but it gives Dave a small sense of satisfaction to be doing something outside the droll corporate rigamarole. He also writes a little bit, in addition to his role as editor-in-chief.

That's probably why his short conversations with the beautiful girl who sits near the water dispenser usually veer toward TV. She doesn't know about the website, but she usually takes an interest in television and what Dave is watching, and Dave will sometimes use her thoughts to fill in some reviews that he's writing, or at the very least be able to comment knowledgeable on the reviews that are published. He already has a guy writing reviews for the American sitcome 'Til Death, but he liked that Rosemary was able to round out his thoughts about it.

He will eventually tell her about the website, and she'll be a bit nonplussed, but appreciative that Dave has interests outside of work.

Dave really does spend the next 55 minutes drinking water and doing actual work for his actual job. But it's another trip to the water dispenser, and Rosemary tells him (quickly) about the time her college boyfriend lacked faith in her academic abilities, and that she really empathized with character actress Kat Foster's plight in the episode. Which was interesting to Dave, because he empathized a little with the pasty little piefucker from that teen '90s comedy flick, who just wanted to give his wife a nice little gift.

But Dave didn't say that. He didn't want to give the wrong impression. He read over the review of "Performance Anxiety" on TVkewlReviews.net, though, and the thought kept crossing through his mind. He appreciated that character actress Kat Foster and piefucker had tiffs but that they always very quickly came back together, so in love were they. Eventually, Dave realized that the episode had affected him so because he wanted that in his own life, his own character actress Kat Foster to share his little pasty piefucking life with. And that maybe that person with whom he could share the piefucking was already in his life, entering it and exiting it in portions dictated by his thirst.

It was just a kernel of a thought, and it would only grow larger much farther down the line. For now, Dave saw the 5 pukes out of 5 grade, hit submit, and watched as the clicks rolled in. Then it was time for another water refill.