÷, Nate

Let it be known here and now, within the confines of this sentence where the author has not yet pressed play on Ed Sheeran's 2017 album, that there is no ill-will borne between the writer of these words (again, the words confined to this ever-running-on sentence) and the writer of "Shape of You." Let it be further known that the author's awareness of Ed Sheeran comes more from broad-based pop-culture runoff than from specific songs or music. What this guy sounds like is none of my business. At least it wasn't before this week. There is no established scar tissue being borne to this exchange of ideas.

Alright, here we are on the other side of the "play" button. Broadest possible strokes: I can see how someone could form a negative opinion of this record if they really needed to work themselves into a lather or to have something large, successful, and benign to push up against. We all must pass the hours and I sit not in judgment of the methods the hoi polloi chooses to while away its sand.

(Microsoft should charge a fee to read my first several attempts at spelling "hoi polloi" a minute ago. Spell check would be within its rights to bring a civil lawsuit against me for psychological damages.)

Look, Jack, here's the deal: I don't have a single fucking opinion of this shit and I wouldn't think about it for a moment more than its runtime if this here club didn't demand it (implicitly, if not explicitly). I think this shit is F I N E, especially in the context of mainstream big-tent pop music. There's nothing materially objectionable happening here. Sheeran is a charming enough person to spend an album with, and if you're making a big-swing, maximum-exposure pop album, this is what that shit is going to sound like. There's a lot of Coldplay in this bitch, and a lot more rapping than I was expecting, but none of it is bad, either in faith or execution. On the other hand, if you want to get mad at the rapping, or the crooning, or the aw-shucks-I'm-just-a-sad-lad-at-the-pub persona of a guy who was, even at this moment, one of the biggest pop stars on the globe, I understand where you're coming from. I just can't be assed to get there.

Maybe this is the way to get to something approaching a perspective: I'd rather listen to this than Bruno Mars. If that sounds mean, it's meant less as cruelty and more as a yardstick for what we're dealing with, and how far ahead this is compared to other available options. 

You know what I was listening to a lot in 2017? Fuckin' Protomartyr, Japandroids, Priests, and Future. I know Ed would like at least one of those artists. I bet Ed would have liked the Ought / Priests / Professor Caveman show I went to at PhilaMOCA in 2017. Anyway, this review is over.