Tiil Deafth: "The Anniversary Party"

San Franciso child abuse hotline, how can I help you—

Yeah this if Officer [unintelligible] from da 95th district, I need your help.

Alright I can help you, Officer. Can I have the name of the—

Nah I don't know what to do, my supervisor told me ta call.

Okay, I just need the—

It's a fucked up situation here, man.

I understand. In order to help, I just need the child's name.

The kid ain't here no more.

Well what child are you calling about?

She's dead.

This is a fatality call? Okay, I just need the child's name.

They didn't give that to me.

Are you on the scene?

Yeah.

Are you able to get the child's name?

No, she can't talk anymore.

I mean... from someone else? Who took the report?

I don't know, I just got here, and my supervisor told me to call.

Can I have your badge number, sir.

It's [unintelligible].

Okay, and—

Percy. Her name. Ah shit, man, her parents are pulling up now. Ah shit, this ain't good, brah.

Officer, I'm just trying to get the necessary information.

That's what I'm—hold on—see that's what I'm telling you. I don't got it. Hold on.

Can I have your location? Your current location.

By the pier.

Sir, I need an address. Can you get an address?

Hold on.

~~~~~~~~~~

And then what happened?

When I pulled up, I saw Officer Craig M. on the scene. He was leaning up against his squad car, with his head in his hands. He was crying.

Why was he crying?

He lost a game of Candy Crush? I don't know. He didn't have any information for me, barely was even cognizant that a kid had just lost her life. I attempted to speak with his supervisor. Sgt. P. is what he called himself. No, I didn't get a badge number.

Did he have any information?

He stated that officers had received information that a child had died on the pier. Said something about parasailing. The adult involved was in the hospital, critical condition. Said the whole parachute thing swung violently left and right and then swung down on the pier like a hammer and the kid was right there and the nanny got thrown into the water but was otherwise uninjured and the kid wasn't so lucky and he said that was all the info they had right now, and it was from onlookers near the pier, the nanny was unable to speak so shocked was she, and the monk was in critical condition with the tube down his throat, and the kid... I mean...

That's okay.

Yeah, no, it's fine. This is what I'm trained to deal with. That's why they put me in the fatality unit.

And then what happened?

Well I was getting everyone's information, the parents were there by that point, I was pretty well on my way to establishing that this was a terrible tragedy but also did not fall under the jurisdiction of child welfare, it being a terrible accident from a non-caregiver, non-relative, you're familiar with CA code, you understand. But then the sergeant approached me, said he had something to say.

What did he say?

I have a recording here. He wanted to talk about Til Death.

The American sitcome?

Yeah, with the large sluglike alien warlord from that new Pixar joint, Elio, you've seen it.

Yes, we're familiar with this famous actor. But why was the sergeant talking to you about it.

I don't know. I have the recording—

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you seen the American sitcome Til Death?

Of course I have, sir, who hasn't?

Okay, when then you saw the episode "The Anniversary Party."

Yeah, I've seen every episode like 20 times, just like everyone else, yeah. I remember that one, definitely. 

I've just been thinking about that episode this morning.

What? Why?

Well, I don't know. I don't know. Something about the refrain of "taking care of people." And how the sluglike alien warlord from Elio is all despondent because he can't take care of his wife, and how he's all happy when he realizes that his wife takes care of him, which seems like a raw deal for the hot wife, but so be it.

I thought you were going to tell me about how smoking hot character actress Kat Foster was with her quote-unquote "sexy dance moves."

Nah, that subplot didn't appeal to me, with that creepy little snot from the pie fucking movies literally calling his wife "a whore," which makes me think that the alien warlord guy is having an effect on his pale creepy little neighbor, the misogyny rubbing off on him, ya know.

And so what?

So it's the "taking care of people" thing. That how maybe that's not enough. Here we have a 1yo child who, by all accounts, was well taken care of. Parents that loved her, a nanny with all the necessary certifications and well-bonded with the child and just going for a leisurely stroll on the pier near their house. And here's a monk who believed so deeply with his heart that god was taking care of him that he trusted god to keep him safe that high in the air. And all that care for nothing. The monk slammed onto the pier at a 90-degree angle by the wind that god created on the second day, and the child crushed underneath that monk, out of the sky, cared for and then all of a sudden not.

You have it wrong, sergeant.

What?

I just don't believe that's the way you should be looking at it. Don't get me wrong, tragic case for sure. But I don't think alien warlord guy is coming to the conclusion that taking care or being taken care of is not worth it, that random happenstance gets in the way. I think all our characters in this episode of the American sitcome Til Death come to the conclusion that taking care is worth it despite the circumstances. The world is cruel—your husband destroys your favorite shawl, your husband calls you a whore just because you look great on the dance floor, you just wanna have fun at an anniversary party before you get shipped off to star in another American sitcome but your friend's hot character actress Kat Foster wife is grinding on you—okay, that doesn't sound too cruel at all, but you get my point—and the only thing that keeps us going is our ability to care, and to be taken care of. That's what holds us together as a species. And we persevere, despite the random cruelty of a parasailing accident. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

And then?

And then... I'm not sure, sir. He made some more small talk. I was honestly surprised that a cop was thinking about this stuff at all. My typical interactions with cops on this job make me think that there should be at least a minor intelligence test at the police academy, so the dumbest people on earth don't end up filling all the roles at your typical police district.

But that's becoming less and a less of a concern recently. Since people started rewatching Til Death.

Yes, that's true. That show seems to make people smarter. More perceptive. Also... more misogynistic, so, uh, let's call it a wash.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Honey, I'm home.

How was your day, sweetie?

Long day. I was in front of the advisory board for that fatality I told you about.

Oh yikes. It went okay though? You still have a job. You're not in jail. So that means it must have gone well enough.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fine. I just...

What is it, babe?

Well, we were talking about the American sitcome, Till Death.

And?

And, well, I have some thoughts.

Babe, c'mon, no. Not here. Leave it at the office.

You're right! You're right. Sorry. I'm going to go get a shower.

Sounds good. I'll have dinner ready for you when you come back down.

~~~~~~~~~

Shawls! 2 for $5! Shawls for sale! Take care of your wife by buying her a nice shawl!

GRADE: 5 pukes out of 5!