They say that
It's time
To try lots of different things
That it's such a good thing
That you quit your job
They get wide-eyed
When you say you've traveled the world
"Go find yourself"
"Go see what you're all about"
That is what they say
What if that means nothing to you?
You'd prefer to explore
That forbidden thing
That can't be explored?
What if you don't know how to do it?
What if it's your foreign language?
Other people have figured it out, somehow
It's all under the hood somewhere
And I'm no car mechanic
Dates upon dates upon dates
Trying to figure out if you're compatible
Well, fuck that
I can rage against the moon
Scream into the ether
No one will stop me
And yet I'm sick of doing that all by myself
I can find a partner to go to a concert with
And we will go our separate ways at the end of the night
I know about all the parties for Sukkot
Ganesh Chaturthi was wide open on the street
Where are the parties in basements and dimly lit rooms
That no one tells me about?
Maybe I've been a too-good boy all my life
A late bloomer
When you open your wallet for someone who is willing to be your partner
Their answer is less than one percent
Of what it could be
If I had that person
To explore with
I would not be writing this post
It's not art
It's a cry for help
The taboo topics remain taboo
Just as they should
I will dress up and shave my face
Do all the things I'm supposed to do
Be a good boy
Until things change
And the one who I'm meant to explore with
Comes into my life
And then leaves it
Just as quickly
Just as they should.
5 comments:
This one made me appreciate how your The First Time column can be whatever you want it to be which is cool. I like the switch to poetry this week, and it makes me excited for whatever you come up with next.
I also wonder what are the "taboo topics." I'm always interested in the idea that there are things within us that we hold back on writing about, and why we hold back.
Joe, he's clearly saving the "taboo topics" for his The First Time I Tried Edging post.
But in all sincerity, I liked the switch to poetry as well. It's a vulnerable topic and it takes courage to write about your emotions in this manner. I think that all you are doing to work on and explore yourself is so good, so important. Partners should be an add on to your life, healthy relationships do not fill a void in your life.
What if I have a void that feels unavoidable now? What if I want a relationship of some kind anyways? Sometimes I feel like certain “rules” disqualify me or others from being in relationships at all, and that’s frustrating. Not arguing with what you said - just expressing a frustration I’ve felt at times.
I don’t think that you need to be “whole” or have yourself figured out to want a relationship or to be in a secure romantic relationship. Sorry if it came off that way. My comment was more to say that what you are doing is so good and important even if you don’t feel it yet— even if you are still wanting something. You’re identifying the things that are important to you, showing your self worth, and developing emotional independence. That’s beautiful
Yeah and no I didn't think you meant that! And thank you for the support. I think this is just a topic I wonder about. Sometimes I wish I could bend the laws of physics so I could make things easier on myself, have relationships in ways that aren't really possible in the realm of human experience. But that's not how life works and that's now how humans are. Such is life.
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