I'M GONNA JUMP!!!!!!
no no please don't, you have so much to live for
DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE AMERICAN SITCOME TIL DEATH OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA JUMP
but every1 loves that show
DON'T, JUST DON'T, I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT, I'M TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT IT. OH GOD WHY DID I SAY I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT EVERY EPISODE, WHO THE HELL DOES TV RECAPS ANYMORE, FUCKK
what is ur name, son
MY NAME IS WAYNE SCHMIDT AND I AM A BLOGGER, PLEASE MAKE ROOM BECAUSE I AM GOING TO JUMP AND LAND ON THE SIDEWALK AND MY INSIDES ARE GONNA BECOME MY OUTSIDES AND THERE'S GONNA BE A HUGE SPLASH ZONE, BE FOREWARNED
i dont understand, blogging?
YES IT'S A BLOG CALLED PUKE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM AND I AM THE EDITOR IN CHIEF AND I HAVE COMMITTED TO WRITING A BLOG POST FOR EVERY EPISODE OF THE AMERICAN SITCOME TIL DEATH, YA KNOW, THE ONE STARRING DRINKY FROM THE TALES FROM THE CRYPT EPISODE "THE THIRD PIG," YOU REMEMBER. AND IM SUPPOSED TO BE BLOGGING RIGHT NOW ABOUT THE TILL DEATH EPISODE "THE HOCKEY LIE," AND I THINK THE BIT WAS GONNA BE THAT I WAS GOING TO BE WRITING FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE GUY WHO PUMPED THE GAS FOR THE CHILD WELFARE BOARD OF TRUSTEES MEMBER WHO WITNESSED THE TRIBUNAL FOR THE FATALITY CASE INVOLVING THE PREVIOUS WEEK'S CHILD WHO HAD ENDED UP IN HELL FOR CATHOLICISM REASONS AFTER SHE DIED IN A FREAK PARASAILING INCIDENT, I'M LOSING THE THREAD, IT'S ONLY LIKE WEEK TWELVE OR SOME SHIT, AND ALREADY THERE IS A CAST OF HUNDREDS IN THIS THING, AND NOW I, WAYNE SCHMIDT, EDITOR OF THE TIL DEATH PROJECT, AM SO OVERWHELMED THAT I'M THREATNING TO JUMP AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME
you don't have to do this
YES I DO, YES I DO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I JUST SAW "THE HOCKEY LIE" AND I REALIZED THAT I HAVE TO DO THIS, THAT THE CHARACTER CAN'T BE THE GAS PUMP HOMELESS DUDE, THAT IT'S GOTTA BE ME, I'M THE GUY, I'M BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL BY CLIMBING ON TOP OF IT AND JUMPING, I'M OUT ON THIS FICTIONAL LEDGE YELLING BELOW THAT I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF AND JOIN POOR PERCY IN HELL AND POOR HORACE THE GARDNER, ALSO IN HELL, PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IS IN HELL, YOU GET IT, YOU'VE READ THE BLOG POSTS, AND THIS IS ME, THIS IS THE REAL ME, I'M REAL, I'M WAYNE SCHMIDT, AND I'M REAL, I'M YELLING ABOUT MY TIL DEATH BLOG, IT EXISTS
wayne, we have someone here to convince you not to jump, please wait one moment
WHO IS IT
it's character actress kat foster, she's here, in the flesh
ARE YOU FOR REAL
Wayne? It's me. Character actress Kat Foster. Taking a break from my ongoing role on the Broadway hit musical How to Succeed in Business Without Actually Trying, and I'm here to tell you, Wayne, that it's not worth it. You have so much to live for. You have so many more episodes of Til Death to live for. Starring me, character actress Kat Foster.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM FINALLY MEETING YOU, CHARACTER ACTRESS KAT FOSTER. I'M SORRY IT'S NOT UNDER BETTER CIRCUMSTANCES BUT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT, I WRITE BLOG POSTS BUT I'M NOT WRITING THIS ONE, IF THAT MAKES SENSE, IT'S A BIT OF A BENDER, I KNOW I KNOW
It's okay. I don't need to know all that. All I need to know is that you're going to do what's right and step down from that ledge.
I DON'T WANT TO
I get it. I was right there with you at one point in my life. Just around the time I was filming the episode "The Hockey Lie" for the American Sitcome Til Death that I was working on, starring in, you know. And I remember that my character in that show had pretended to like hockey for her husband's sake (the creepy ass pasty guy from those pie fucking teen flicks), and one day she just gives up. She can't lie anymore. She has to be her true self. And so she admits the truth. And I, character actress Kat Foster, felt a kinship with my character Steph in that moment. I had been pretending for so long that I wanted to be a main cast member actress in an American Sitcome for so long that I forgot that it was a lie. And that made me depressed. I needed to live my truth! Even if it fucked up my life and disappointed those around me. You can't live like that, Wayne! You just can't. It tears apart your insides, worse than a jump from a tall building. Why don't you come down here and tell me your truth.
OKAY THANK YOU CHARACTER ACTRESS KAT FOSTER
It's what I do.
Here I am. Wow, you look even better in person. I've been watching Til Death for a while now and I still can't quite believe that someone like the creepy dude from the pie fucking movies would have landed you as a wife. Even in a fictional sitcome. That dude fucking SUCKS.
This is what you blog about typically? This is your truth?
Part of it, I guess. The other part is that I really do attempt to live my truth, through my writing, but that maybe I am finding that writing about TIL DEATH doesn't achieve that purpose. Like I'm write falsehoods. And that doesn't fulfill me in the same way.
Couldn't it just be that your truth is just that you're a writer? Not what you write, but the writing itself is the truth? The act of writing?
I suppose. But it feels like there's more here. Something about "The Hockey Lie" specifically, beyond the depression at having to writing about it. Beyond how hot you are in a hockey jersey for some reason.
I can think of a couple other things. The first is that the (sub)plot with the Crypt dude and his hot wife, in which they realize that they are the same person with all shared interests and that freaks out crypto dude for some reason, and he goes off and tries to do his own thing, but he's drawn back into his wife's orbit eventually, and she his, and they realize that they are meant to be together, which seems sweet, until you remember that maybe like five episodes ago, they were pulling elaborate schemes on each other so that they didn't have to spend time with each other, if you'll recall. Tall Crypt was "in a garage band," and hot wife was secretly allowing him to go to "band practice" so she could go to the theater with her gay pal. We're how many episodes into this TV sictome series that I starred in, and we're already forgetting lore? How uncaring do you have to be to write completely opposite plots in two episodes in the first twelve fucking episodes? No wonder I quit.
You quit?
Eventually, you'll get there. But so that's the first thing. The second thing is that maybe you are at a point in your life where you love your wife unconditionally and are best friends with her but also maybe you feel like it's healthy to have separate interests. It's cool to chill on the couch with her. It's also cool for one of you to have a night out every once in a while while the other stays home with the kids. To have your own life, connected to and tangential to your life together, is healthy. Having sex with each other and with other people is healthy.
Really? Can I have your number—
That's not what I meant, you fucking creep. And the fact that I'm calling you a creep and I played sitcome wife to that creepy little shit from the pie fucking movies for two years should really say something.
Okay, you're right though. Maybe it's just disconcerting that Till Death spoke about truth so fascinatingly, since usually this American sitcome is fucking balls.
And didn't that ending stinger make you laugh?
Unfortunately, yeah. It was the first time I ever laughed out loud at this show. When your character, a Spinal Tap skeptic, got pissed off that the amp only went to 11, and why not, like, 40. That's a GREAT fucking bit.
You're welcome.
Anyways, I'm not gonna kill myself anymore. Thanks for your help calming me down, character actress Kat Foster.
I have a feeling I'll be back at some point. In the meantime, maybe you can write about my cousin, who is equally attractive as I am, and is totally into ENM. She could probably make for a good blog post.
My GRADE is 5 pukes out of 5, obviously
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