RC f/u #26: The Philadelphia Eagles, Dolly Parton

After today, we will have reviewed 101 albums from Record Club alumni since I started considering that a thing we do for Record Club. Check out the full list at the supplemental archives.

A Philly Special Christmas Special by the Philadelphia Eagles

Released: December 1, 2023

Follow-up to: A Philly Special Christmas, Week 204

As far as these things go, this new album of Christmas music is pretty good. The same caveats apply from the first time around: you have to be tolerant of the Eagles (I am, of course), and you have to be tolerant of holiday music (I increasingly am not). There's also the inherent risks of a sequel: last time was cute, but two years in a row means you're taking it seriously. The pressure is on to deliver if this is going to be an ongoing institution.

I'm inclined to say that this newest album from the Philadelphia Eagles is worse than their first one. If we're getting down to it, then the reason for that opinion is that the second album does not have "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." The Eagles' version of that song might at this point be my favorite holiday song of all time. This is not a high hurdle to jump! But the truth remains. The moment when the whole team jumps in and starts yelling the chorus is cathartic, and no one can convince me otherwise.

This year, they try a similar trick with "Auld Lang Syne," but forget about the catharsis part. There is a somber tone about it, and then in the middle, the three singers welcome their friends back in and everyone gives thanks to the people in their lives. It's really nice that they are calling out cafeteria workers by name to thank them personally for their hard work throughout the year, but I don't know that I necessarily need to hear it. Hopefully that doesn't make me too much of a Scrooge.

Otherwise, there are some decent versions of songs you've heard a thousand times. But the Eagles don't move the needle at all. E.g. I've always hated "Dominick the Donkey," and so I'm not going to do anything but hate Jason Kelce's version of "Dominick the Donkey." I'm fine with "Fairytale of Philadelphia" doing a twist on an okay Pogues song, but I can't help but wonder what could've been, if Travis Kelce was actually dating Taylor Swift and not just pulling a PR stunt with her to get attention, because then maybe Swift could've shown up and really made an impact. Instead, PoYB darling Waxahatchee is relegated to backing vocals on "Pretty Paper" (maybe? or is she just on guitar?).

I should've written this review before the Eagles got whipped by the 49ers, so that's my fault. But forgetting about what's happening on the field, and focusing on what's happening off the field, I am pretty confident in the opinion that this album is a tepid addition to the Christmas canon at best, and at worst, a joke stretched way too thin.

GRADE: 2.5 pukes out of 5 (-1.0 from previous review)

ROCKSTAR by Dolly Parton

Released: November 17, 2023

Follow-up to: A Holly Dolly Christmas, Week 98

Here's what would've been funny: framing this blog post as an "Eagles vs. Cowboys" match-up. Dolly Parton did indeed dress up like a Cowboys cheerleader a few weeks ago, which was a great bit. Unfortunately, Parton had to go and ruin it by shrugging and then getting defensive when asked about some of the cretins she included in her much-ballyhooed "rock 'n' roll album."

See, this is why you should refrain from deifying artists while they are still alive. All that talk about "Saint Dolly" looks a little iffy when you know that she's palling around with a guy whose response to the existence of transgender people is to pull out a gun and shoot a case of beer. This is the type of behavior that, according to Dolly Parton, earns you entrance into heaven. Look, we've all been there. I had a lot of good stuff to say about Aerosmith's most critically acclaimed album. But now we know that Steven Tyler is a rapist. And it's icky to say that it's okay that people like Kid Rock and Steven Tyler are on your album. It's not cool to defend them. It would be one thing to say "ah shit, I wasn't aware of their actions previously, you're right, that's not cool to want to kill trans people or rape kids, my bad for including those people on my album." That honestly would have been enough for me! But no! Dolly Parton is going to heaven with Kid Rock and Steven Tyler!

She's wrong that cancel culture is "terrible," because cancel culture DOESN'T EXIST. I would LOVE for Kid Rock to disappear forever, and if I had the power to make it happen, I would do it. But I don't have that power. No one does, not even collectively. I can huff and puff all I want on a public blog, and at the end of the day, Saint Dolly is going to tell me that Kid Rock is a good person whom god loves, and she's going to willfully include him on her newest album. Can we all maybe stop pretending that Dolly Parton isn't 77-year-old Boomer who is very fallible and has pretty shitty opinions about things?

I know the presence of Kid Rock and Steven Tyler and known bully Lizzo (on "Stairway to Heaven" of all songs, jesus fucking christ) doesn't necessarily negate the positives of the rest of this two-hour-plus album. Lots of famous rock 'n' roll stars featured on this album who haven't wanted all trans people dead and haven't molested a teenager and haven't sexually harassed their employees while at a strip club. But I just feel burned, that's all.

I know no one is perfect, and I am certainly not saying that Dolly Parton needs to be perfect for me to like her music. But what I'm saying is that it's so fucking easy to just be kind and to value kindness, and the fact that she chose this hill to die on and defend hatred in the name of selling a stupid rock 'n' roll album is really fucking shitty! And then I'm taking it personally because this stupid fucking blog spent so much time claiming that Dolly Parton was a literal saint, and now there's egg on everyone's faces. Am I the only one who's this angry about this? Yes? Okay then. Fine. Sorry.

I do not want to listen to this album. That's basically what I'm trying to get at, I guess. I'm not telling you to also not listen to it. Do whatever you want. I'm just worn out, man. I will print a review of ROCKSTAR if you want to write it. Let me know.

GRADE: N/A

That's it for the year! Thanks for following along with some of these Record Club alumni with me! I don't know if I can do this another year. To be determined.