Loaded, Melissa

I'm nine years old and my parents think it's appropriate for me to see Forrest Gump in the theater. Jenny is doing all sorts of drugs, ready to jump off a ledge, and Lynard Skynard's "Free Bird" is playing raucously in the background. I, wide-eyed, scared of heights and drugs and everything really, was petrified for our girl Jenny.

Thus began my distaste for '70s rock. The '70s are not my decade in general, but '70s rock especially grates on me, and I haven't had enough therapy to figure out why. Something about synthesizers, guitars, organs, and dudes with warbling vocals just creeps me out. With that said, the rest of my review slants in the direction of a big thumbs-down.

All of the above to say, I am sure Loaded, by the Velvet Underground, is a good—even great—album for someone else with better taste and fewer triggers than myself.

I was okay with the hyperbolic level of anti-romance in "Who Loves the Sun." I love the cheery disposition of the music, the "ba-ba-ba-bas" that pair ironically with the idea that you can't love these natural things because you've been heartbroken. Velvet Underground has taken happy-bleakness to a new level.

"Cool It Down" has Bob Dylan-ish warbles and '70s vibes through and through, so I am, of course, not having it. "You know you better, cool it down" could not be a more perfect lyric for this band to express. Of course, this is something they'd want us to hear. I'm fairly certain this is about not coming... to a conclusion too quickly, right? Right? *Wink*Wink* See what I did there? Cool it down, folks.

"New Age" gave me the heeby-jeebies. I love the point of view of this fan, and this actress, but the music and the repetition of his devotion makes me feel icky. "I Found a Reason" also gave me the icks, even though I think it's supposed to be an ode to someone you love. But, the SING-TALKING threw me down the stairs! No. No. No. Unless you're Boyz II Men, no thank you.

A lot of this album feels like something I've heard before in some coming-of-age movie that is either directly in the '70s or '70s-adjacent (à la anything produced in the '90s). "Head Held High" very much upholds that for me too. When Gary mentioned that one of the tracks on the remastered album (which I didn't listen to) was in the movie Juno, I responded with an "of course it was," because, of course it was. '70s rock has been co-opted by the jaded youth of films and television. I guess I've always been too entitled, and anxious, to be a jaded youth.

"Lonesome Cowboy" could fuck all the way off I was so annoyed with it, but "Train Round the Bend" and "Oh Sweet Nuthin'" redeem the album for me.  Ironically, I liked "Oh Sweet Nuthin'" as it was used in Loki. Maybe because the moment isn't drug or adolescent-induced? Maybe because I could separate my weird anti-'70s rock moment to see how it thematically worked in the moment?

Either way, I am a bad judge of an album I think is probably, deep down, doing good things. "Cool It down, Melissa..."