Okay, so first thing's first: I will freely admit that I don't really know anything about CINEMA. I try my best, and I watch as many movies as my crowded life will allow, and I maybe even try to reflect on them in print on this blog every once in a while, but I don't want you to think that such a ranking is me trying to say that I'm something I'm not. This isn't like music, where I like what I like and I know why I like it. With movies, I know what I like but sometimes I struggle with the "why."
Regardless, I've decided to rank all the movies that I watched this year (and, as always, "this year" is, according to PoYB, December 1st through November 30th). The ranking is quite arbitrary (also, should be obvious that I'm not separating 2023 films from pre-2023 films), and I have no qualms about ranking a dumb/fun movie above a classic film, because who gives a shit? This is just a blog. I'm just writing about what I like (or what I kinda remember liking eleven and a half months ago).
Like last year, I'm going to copy and paste all of Puke on Your Birthday's Letterboxd "reviews" for each movie, and then, if I have anything else to add as of December 2023, I'll include that below in italics. No need to link to anything that I've written about these films before—if you are seriously that interested in doing that, then check out the Never Seen It list, the Oscar round-up, the SO/SN/SB/SB tag, or utilize that search bar up at the top left of the desktop version of this blog.
I watched 71 movies this year, which is fewer than 2022, but still pretty reasonable, given the type of year that I had. Alright, on to the rankings!
I watched 71 movies this year, which is fewer than 2022, but still pretty reasonable, given the type of year that I had. Alright, on to the rankings!
Every Movie I Watched in 2023, Ranked from Worst to Best
I have been informed that the British Film Institute's Sight and Sound 2022 Critics Poll has declared the best movie of all time to be the 1975 Belgian drama Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. I will watch it eventually, but I felt like I needed to start at the bottom of the list and work my way up. So we begin today with the 97,635,429th best film of all time, The Addams Family 2, in which Uncle Fester turns into an octopus.
71. The Super Mario Bros. Movie
I heard recently that a silly little tradition we had started in our theater program at college was still being done with the current crop of students, over a decade later. Sometimes you move on forget and then it's like, haha holy shit, the kids are STILL doing this shit? That's how I felt while watching this dumb fucking children's movie about characters that I used to live and breathe 30 years ago. I cannot believe the kids still like this shit.
25 additional viewings (no shit) and I'll say now that this film has curdled into something even worse—one of my beloved childhood totems fucked beyond recognition to serve the gods of capitalism. Nintendo can take their billion dollars, shape it into a Minions-shaped dildo, and shove it up their dry asses!!!!
I heard recently that a silly little tradition we had started in our theater program at college was still being done with the current crop of students, over a decade later. Sometimes you move on forget and then it's like, haha holy shit, the kids are STILL doing this shit? That's how I felt while watching this dumb fucking children's movie about characters that I used to live and breathe 30 years ago. I cannot believe the kids still like this shit.
25 additional viewings (no shit) and I'll say now that this film has curdled into something even worse—one of my beloved childhood totems fucked beyond recognition to serve the gods of capitalism. Nintendo can take their billion dollars, shape it into a Minions-shaped dildo, and shove it up their dry asses!!!!
70. Avatar: Way of the Water
Every single minute was an unbelievable torture.
Nope, this pithy review pretty much still suffices. The only thing I'd point out, if I had the time and the stamina, is that it remains fucking INSANE that Cameron pretty much redid the sinking of the Titanic in the climax of this film. I don't know whether to despise it or respect it. Probably both. Drown this film like the diseased rat it is.
68. The Addams Family 2Every single minute was an unbelievable torture.
Nope, this pithy review pretty much still suffices. The only thing I'd point out, if I had the time and the stamina, is that it remains fucking INSANE that Cameron pretty much redid the sinking of the Titanic in the climax of this film. I don't know whether to despise it or respect it. Probably both. Drown this film like the diseased rat it is.
69. Werewolves Within
Oof. A really weak movie that tries to lampoon a fright night film but ends up just being a limp dick version of one. Not even the bulletproof Sam Richardson can save this one.
Milana Vayntrub too. I want to see her in a good movie so she can shake the AT&T stink off of her.
Oof. A really weak movie that tries to lampoon a fright night film but ends up just being a limp dick version of one. Not even the bulletproof Sam Richardson can save this one.
Milana Vayntrub too. I want to see her in a good movie so she can shake the AT&T stink off of her.
I have been informed that the British Film Institute's Sight and Sound 2022 Critics Poll has declared the best movie of all time to be the 1975 Belgian drama Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. I will watch it eventually, but I felt like I needed to start at the bottom of the list and work my way up. So we begin today with the 97,635,429th best film of all time, The Addams Family 2, in which Uncle Fester turns into an octopus.
67. Haunted Mansion
One of the rare movies that completely lives up to the hype (if that "hype" was, in fact, the hype surrounding the absurdity of some of the product placement in this thing—yes, Lakeith Stanfield's wife died....... but on the way to BASKIN-ROBBINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
One of the rare movies that completely lives up to the hype (if that "hype" was, in fact, the hype surrounding the absurdity of some of the product placement in this thing—yes, Lakeith Stanfield's wife died....... but on the way to BASKIN-ROBBINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
66. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Very bad script. Just the worst fucking AI computer-generated boilerplate shit you can imagine. Look—if you liked the book as an impressionable child, then good for you, you finally got the movie you dreamed of. For everyone else: go suck a witch's toe.
The book was a series of short stories, and the film's attempt to pretend that it wasn't a series of vignettes but instead was "interconnected stories" was stupid and worked like dogshit.
90% of this movie is comprised of slo-mo montages. How else will they prove that these MOMS are BAD if we don't see them being BOSS BITCHES e.g. twerking on Santa's lap?!?!
Very bad script. Just the worst fucking AI computer-generated boilerplate shit you can imagine. Look—if you liked the book as an impressionable child, then good for you, you finally got the movie you dreamed of. For everyone else: go suck a witch's toe.
The book was a series of short stories, and the film's attempt to pretend that it wasn't a series of vignettes but instead was "interconnected stories" was stupid and worked like dogshit.
65. A Merry Friggin' Christmas
Whoever had the bright idea to cast Robin Williams as the lethargic, angry, unfunny asshole in a Christmas movie should have been buried with him in his casket. Maybe that way that same person will also never cast Joel McHale as the sincere family man ever again either. Just a frustratingly bad job with the casting. Who hires Lauren Graham and gives her nothing to do and no witty quips to spout?! Jesus fucking christ.
Always weird to slot some newer Christmas movies onto this list. There are the classics, and then there is everything else.
64. A Bad Moms ChristmasWhoever had the bright idea to cast Robin Williams as the lethargic, angry, unfunny asshole in a Christmas movie should have been buried with him in his casket. Maybe that way that same person will also never cast Joel McHale as the sincere family man ever again either. Just a frustratingly bad job with the casting. Who hires Lauren Graham and gives her nothing to do and no witty quips to spout?! Jesus fucking christ.
Always weird to slot some newer Christmas movies onto this list. There are the classics, and then there is everything else.
90% of this movie is comprised of slo-mo montages. How else will they prove that these MOMS are BAD if we don't see them being BOSS BITCHES e.g. twerking on Santa's lap?!?!
63. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
I know it's not a new issue, and it's probably here to stay, but the whole idea of owning all this IP and just throwing in random fucking movies to be cute or clever, I dunno man... it kinda makes me a little uncomfortable. Not to be a sourpuss regarding this fun movie. I'm just wondering why having fun means the idea of recognizing the old, instead of creating the new. That's all.
I am hoping we don't have to watch the new Disney flick, Wish, for the same reason. But you know it's inevitable, and you know you're gonna find that shit toward the bottom of this list next year.
62. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
Pretty interesting what they were going for with the theme of grief and of colonization, I guess, but the stink of Marvel is just too prevalent here. The terrible CGI, the extraneous characters, the big-budget headache-inducing fights, I hated it all. Fuck the Academy for kowtowing to this bullshit.
Whoops—we watched this and I wrote this review under the assumption that it had been nominated for Best Picture. My bad! I'm glad it wasn't! Fuck Marvel forever!!!
61. My Fair Lady
It was fine. I think musicals can be really fun and I felt that this did the bare fucking minimum to get there. If the main thing I'm taking from this is that Audrey Hepburn is the hottest homeless person that I've ever seen, then maybe I'm not the right person for My Fair Lady.
That discussion was pretty fun though. I think it's possible to have really good conversations about really mediocre art. Sometimes those conversations are better. I'm looking forward to Fisher having his own space to talk movies on this blog next year.
It was fine. I think musicals can be really fun and I felt that this did the bare fucking minimum to get there. If the main thing I'm taking from this is that Audrey Hepburn is the hottest homeless person that I've ever seen, then maybe I'm not the right person for My Fair Lady.
That discussion was pretty fun though. I think it's possible to have really good conversations about really mediocre art. Sometimes those conversations are better. I'm looking forward to Fisher having his own space to talk movies on this blog next year.
60. No Hard Feelings
Damn, this could've been better. I thought there were a bunch of funny parts, and I thought they did a decent job setting the stakes. But it had been so long that I had forgotten how poorly R-rated comedies fair at giving you a cohesive film. We're not here to watch a good movie, we're just here to laugh, I guess. I did laugh, is the thing.
Damn, this could've been better. I thought there were a bunch of funny parts, and I thought they did a decent job setting the stakes. But it had been so long that I had forgotten how poorly R-rated comedies fair at giving you a cohesive film. We're not here to watch a good movie, we're just here to laugh, I guess. I did laugh, is the thing.
59. The Whale
It's interesting, I'll give it that. Most of the acting is bad, with Sadie Sink giving one of the worst "bratty teenager" performances I've maybe ever seen. But that's okay. I felt uncomfortable for a lot of it, but that was probably the point and so that too is excusable. I guess the script was the actually bad part. There were some really nice aspects to it (the thoughts about writing and the whole "give me something honest" thing), but just some truly awful parts too (the whole fake Mormon and dead boyfriend plot was insanely bad). I tend to feel okay with bad movies that make me feel bad in interesting ways, or give me something to chew on. I'll be chewing on this blubber for a while.
58. Kingpin
Is no one going to mention the fact that Roy Munson stopped bowling because he lost his hand and can't bowl with the rubber prosthetic, but then seventeen years later he decides he can in fact bowl with a rubber hand and all of a sudden he's one pin away from winning the national championship???? How does this make any sense???????
It's interesting, I'll give it that. Most of the acting is bad, with Sadie Sink giving one of the worst "bratty teenager" performances I've maybe ever seen. But that's okay. I felt uncomfortable for a lot of it, but that was probably the point and so that too is excusable. I guess the script was the actually bad part. There were some really nice aspects to it (the thoughts about writing and the whole "give me something honest" thing), but just some truly awful parts too (the whole fake Mormon and dead boyfriend plot was insanely bad). I tend to feel okay with bad movies that make me feel bad in interesting ways, or give me something to chew on. I'll be chewing on this blubber for a while.
58. Kingpin
Is no one going to mention the fact that Roy Munson stopped bowling because he lost his hand and can't bowl with the rubber prosthetic, but then seventeen years later he decides he can in fact bowl with a rubber hand and all of a sudden he's one pin away from winning the national championship???? How does this make any sense???????
57. Mystery Men
Felt like they were trying to punch up (superhero movies are big winners these days) when really they were punching down (superhero movies fucking suck these days). No matter how you punch (or how you throw a spoon, or shovel, or get really, really angry), the key is to be funny. They were funny sometimes.
Felt like they were trying to punch up (superhero movies are big winners these days) when really they were punching down (superhero movies fucking suck these days). No matter how you punch (or how you throw a spoon, or shovel, or get really, really angry), the key is to be funny. They were funny sometimes.
56. The Conjuring 2
Maybe a bit too much of a good thing. I liked the first movie, but the second gave us no reason to think a sequel was worth it (except to set up more sequels and spin-offs, I guess). At a certain point, I think these ghosts in these horror movies should just nut up and kill the family right from the start. They are in your home, bro! Just kill them! Why bother with the spooky half-frights at the beginning? What's the point?
54. Moulin Rouge!
Baz is fucking bonkers, as usual. But let's suppose that I'm saying that this is a good thing. Let's suppose that the bonkers and extremely distinct directorial style is the only interesting thing about this movie. That, and the anachronistic Nirvana song.
53. The Pink PantherMaybe a bit too much of a good thing. I liked the first movie, but the second gave us no reason to think a sequel was worth it (except to set up more sequels and spin-offs, I guess). At a certain point, I think these ghosts in these horror movies should just nut up and kill the family right from the start. They are in your home, bro! Just kill them! Why bother with the spooky half-frights at the beginning? What's the point?
55. Blonde
1) Felt like a horror movie, in that there was a victim and the movie did nothing to make me care about that victim beyond a pretty basic sympathy for her victimization.
2) Felt like the artistic choices were pretty random. I'm willing to admit the possibility that I was too dumb for this movie, but my gut-reaction is that there was nothing to be smart about.
3) Felt like having Marilyn Monroe have a noticeable Cuban accent was a bad choice.
1) Felt like a horror movie, in that there was a victim and the movie did nothing to make me care about that victim beyond a pretty basic sympathy for her victimization.
2) Felt like the artistic choices were pretty random. I'm willing to admit the possibility that I was too dumb for this movie, but my gut-reaction is that there was nothing to be smart about.
3) Felt like having Marilyn Monroe have a noticeable Cuban accent was a bad choice.
54. Moulin Rouge!
Baz is fucking bonkers, as usual. But let's suppose that I'm saying that this is a good thing. Let's suppose that the bonkers and extremely distinct directorial style is the only interesting thing about this movie. That, and the anachronistic Nirvana song.
I mean, I guess it makes sense that there were a thousand sequels to this movie. As it stands here, there are way too many straight men in this film, and one gaping black hole of comedic relief. I understand why audiences were drawn to the comedic aspects of this one, because the dramatic moments were rote and boring. Now, whether watching Peter Sellers trip over everything in his path is ACTUALLY funny is up for debate. I'd personally say "very rarely." But I'm just saying that I get it. I get why this was popular, way back when, and I get why the focus shifted in subsequent films.
52. M*A*S*H
I wish I could compartmentalize certain movies, to save them from the unfortunate act of "aging poorly." There were some moments in M*A*S*H that were funny and goofy in an innocent way, and I loved those moments. There were other moments too, dark moments, moments too dark to be excused, even for a 50-year-old comedy film. I'm sure the TV show did a better job, though, so if you're hurting for some M*A*S*H, I have over 200 episodes to show you.
I wish I could compartmentalize certain movies, to save them from the unfortunate act of "aging poorly." There were some moments in M*A*S*H that were funny and goofy in an innocent way, and I loved those moments. There were other moments too, dark moments, moments too dark to be excused, even for a 50-year-old comedy film. I'm sure the TV show did a better job, though, so if you're hurting for some M*A*S*H, I have over 200 episodes to show you.
51. National Treasure
If you have the ability to turn your brain off at will, and let that brain sit inactive as you consume a weird and wacky and INCREDIBLY DUMB mystery thriller, then maybe you'll find some enjoyable here. It's all what you make of it, baby. I'm just riding the high of seeing some cool Philly landmarks (including Urban Outfitters, naturally).
50. Encino Man
Maybe one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen, but also that rare dumb movie that is dumb by design. It's dumb, but only because the dumb is there to obscure a hidden poignancy. I felt like it was saying something important about the universal experience of high school, and was able to do so with a never-been-dumber Brendan Fraser working his shtick. Good stuff.
If you have the ability to turn your brain off at will, and let that brain sit inactive as you consume a weird and wacky and INCREDIBLY DUMB mystery thriller, then maybe you'll find some enjoyable here. It's all what you make of it, baby. I'm just riding the high of seeing some cool Philly landmarks (including Urban Outfitters, naturally).
50. Encino Man
Maybe one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen, but also that rare dumb movie that is dumb by design. It's dumb, but only because the dumb is there to obscure a hidden poignancy. I felt like it was saying something important about the universal experience of high school, and was able to do so with a never-been-dumber Brendan Fraser working his shtick. Good stuff.
49. Marathon Man
With fun action movies or spy movies or whatever, the leash is a lot longer when it comes to having a coherent plot. This was a fun action/spy movie (with an absolutely iconic scene that was a great joy to finally see), but man, I just did not understand it at all before reading the Wikipedia Plot section afterward. Is it safe? Sure, it's safe. But is it safe?! No, not really.
Glad to get something out of this experience, at least.
With fun action movies or spy movies or whatever, the leash is a lot longer when it comes to having a coherent plot. This was a fun action/spy movie (with an absolutely iconic scene that was a great joy to finally see), but man, I just did not understand it at all before reading the Wikipedia Plot section afterward. Is it safe? Sure, it's safe. But is it safe?! No, not really.
Glad to get something out of this experience, at least.
48. The Pale Blue Eye
There's something really fun about just watching a mystery unfold, with the sole focus being on that mystery and its unraveling, above everything else, including character development. By the end of the story, you still don't really care about anyone involved, but Pale Blue Eye manages to get you invested anyway. There's value in that.
There's something really fun about just watching a mystery unfold, with the sole focus being on that mystery and its unraveling, above everything else, including character development. By the end of the story, you still don't really care about anyone involved, but Pale Blue Eye manages to get you invested anyway. There's value in that.
47. Top Gun: Maverick
Big summer popcorn shit that I'm mostly willing to forgive because I hate the first Top Gun, and this was SO coherent in comparison that I'm almost willing to say it was "great." There were moments where I had trouble getting lost in the movie magic simply due to the fact that it's a craven blockbuster bullshit IP sequel... but I'll admit it was good enough that I'm willing to buy in, just as long as it doesn't cost me too much.
Big summer popcorn shit that I'm mostly willing to forgive because I hate the first Top Gun, and this was SO coherent in comparison that I'm almost willing to say it was "great." There were moments where I had trouble getting lost in the movie magic simply due to the fact that it's a craven blockbuster bullshit IP sequel... but I'll admit it was good enough that I'm willing to buy in, just as long as it doesn't cost me too much.
46. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Basically a sketch show stretched out into a film with a higher budget. I have often professed that I don't "get" British comedy, but the skits that landed did so HARD. There were also times when I wasn't laughing at all, but it's all good. I remember the laughs, and I'm thankful for them. Sidenote: the people in your life who are the least funny but also the most goodhearted? Those people love this movie.
45. Mr. Nanny
A mix—no, blatant rip-off—of both Home Alone and Die Hard, I don't think anyone likes this movie beyond whatever poor souls had this on VHS during the decade (the '90s) when sometimes that's all you needed to watch a movie twelve times in twelve days or whatever. I like it though. I think I have brain damage. Too many steel chairs to the skull, perhaps. Look deep... I'm talking REAL deep... and you'll see a poignant discussion about child abuse in this film. I don't even think it was intended, but I saw it, and I thought it was interesting.
I'm finding that if there is a B-movie that is at least somewhat enjoyable and is at least twelve inches deep instead of six, then those movies age really well as I hold onto them and chuckle when I look back at them. Mr. Nanny is definitely one of those films. Good? Probably not. But there's a particular chemistry here that is is going to make me wildly overrate it on such a list as this.
Basically a sketch show stretched out into a film with a higher budget. I have often professed that I don't "get" British comedy, but the skits that landed did so HARD. There were also times when I wasn't laughing at all, but it's all good. I remember the laughs, and I'm thankful for them. Sidenote: the people in your life who are the least funny but also the most goodhearted? Those people love this movie.
45. Mr. Nanny
A mix—no, blatant rip-off—of both Home Alone and Die Hard, I don't think anyone likes this movie beyond whatever poor souls had this on VHS during the decade (the '90s) when sometimes that's all you needed to watch a movie twelve times in twelve days or whatever. I like it though. I think I have brain damage. Too many steel chairs to the skull, perhaps. Look deep... I'm talking REAL deep... and you'll see a poignant discussion about child abuse in this film. I don't even think it was intended, but I saw it, and I thought it was interesting.
I'm finding that if there is a B-movie that is at least somewhat enjoyable and is at least twelve inches deep instead of six, then those movies age really well as I hold onto them and chuckle when I look back at them. Mr. Nanny is definitely one of those films. Good? Probably not. But there's a particular chemistry here that is is going to make me wildly overrate it on such a list as this.
44. All Quiet on the Western Front
I'm sick of war movies. We get it. War is bad. At this point I'd almost prefer a war movie that attempts to make the case that war is a good thing. I wouldn't agree, and I'd be angry, but at least I'd feel something. As it stands, I'm beat over the head every year by a war movie that the Academy nominates simply because it's a war movie, and WAR IS BAD.
That being said, All Quiet on the Western Front was pretty stunning, visually. Gruesome and evisceral. Catch me on a good day and I'll even tell you that maybe it shaded in this WAR IS BAD themes with some interesting things to say about how *arbitrary* it all is. But just barely.
I'm sick of war movies. We get it. War is bad. At this point I'd almost prefer a war movie that attempts to make the case that war is a good thing. I wouldn't agree, and I'd be angry, but at least I'd feel something. As it stands, I'm beat over the head every year by a war movie that the Academy nominates simply because it's a war movie, and WAR IS BAD.
That being said, All Quiet on the Western Front was pretty stunning, visually. Gruesome and evisceral. Catch me on a good day and I'll even tell you that maybe it shaded in this WAR IS BAD themes with some interesting things to say about how *arbitrary* it all is. But just barely.
43. Major League
The "only thing we gotta do is win the whole fucking thing" quote is potent enough that I'm gonna be thinking about this film every time a Philly sports team had even a remote chance at success.
The "only thing we gotta do is win the whole fucking thing" quote is potent enough that I'm gonna be thinking about this film every time a Philly sports team had even a remote chance at success.
42. Elemental
First of all, this was way better than critics made it out to be. Simple? Sure. Reductive? Okay, fine. I don't think there's an easy way to talk about racism in movies, especially children's movies, so I'm not gonna fault Elemental for not being especially nuanced about it. But I also think that there's a lot of heart and a bunch of good intentions here, and I haven't minded watching it a couple dozen times since my kids got into it. I am also realizing that I have no fucking clue how to talk to my kids about this kind of shit, e.g. Willow says "How come everyone hates the fire people?" and man, how the fuck do you explain that some human beings are shitty toward other human beings for no fucking reason?
41. Cold Mountain
They sure don't make it like this anymore. Something about an epic, sprawling, Civil War era romantic drama keeps me warm like a thick blanket on a cold North Carolinian night. Add a stacked cast and you got yourself a warm stew going.
They sure don't make it like this anymore. Something about an epic, sprawling, Civil War era romantic drama keeps me warm like a thick blanket on a cold North Carolinian night. Add a stacked cast and you got yourself a warm stew going.
40. Theater Camp
Watching this movie was the most I've missed college since I stopped drinking.
Watching this movie was the most I've missed college since I stopped drinking.
39. The Conjuring
If there is a way to make this silly bullshit legitimate scary, then director James Wan seems to be the guy to find that way. I am a man who loves long shots or extended shots, and they were employed well here, the camera moving across the room, and then back, in a way that you just fucking KNEW something creepy was going to be there all of a sudden. A predictable movie? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it can't be fun.
If there is a way to make this silly bullshit legitimate scary, then director James Wan seems to be the guy to find that way. I am a man who loves long shots or extended shots, and they were employed well here, the camera moving across the room, and then back, in a way that you just fucking KNEW something creepy was going to be there all of a sudden. A predictable movie? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it can't be fun.
38. Bottoms
There were a bunch of laughs, but this might have been the first film I've seen that actively had me wondering if I missed some of the other laughs because I was too old to get them. Maybe this movie was like those Mosquito devices that Philly Parks and Rec placed in their playgrounds to chase teenagers away at night........ but in a good way?
37. Knock at the Cabin
I have a friend who has never seen The Sixth Sense, and is not aware of what the twist ending entails. What a fucking joy she's going to find in finally watching it. But I'm also thinking that maybe a twist is something you can only pull off once, and that maybe Shyamalan did the right thing by not including a twist at the end of this one. What you see is what you get, and that makes the creepiness of the film land all that much harder. Like everyone else, I enjoyed Dave Baustista's performance greatly.
I have a friend who has never seen The Sixth Sense, and is not aware of what the twist ending entails. What a fucking joy she's going to find in finally watching it. But I'm also thinking that maybe a twist is something you can only pull off once, and that maybe Shyamalan did the right thing by not including a twist at the end of this one. What you see is what you get, and that makes the creepiness of the film land all that much harder. Like everyone else, I enjoyed Dave Baustista's performance greatly.
36. Mission Impossible
I'm willing to hear arguments that this is the greatest spy film of all time. Mostly because I have seen very few spy films. It felt more freewheeling than a Bond film, and I say that's a good thing. It also trusted its audience to hop in sort of in media res (depending on how familiar you are with the TV show), and I liked that too. Plus, EXPLOSIONS! TOM CRUISE EXPLODING! LET'S FUCKING GO!!!
I'm willing to hear arguments that this is the greatest spy film of all time. Mostly because I have seen very few spy films. It felt more freewheeling than a Bond film, and I say that's a good thing. It also trusted its audience to hop in sort of in media res (depending on how familiar you are with the TV show), and I liked that too. Plus, EXPLOSIONS! TOM CRUISE EXPLODING! LET'S FUCKING GO!!!
35. The Witch
I've always liked the idea of "this film could've been a play." Never thought I'd say that about a horror film, but here we are. A great sense of time and place on this one, even if some of the horror aspects were a little hokey.
I've always liked the idea of "this film could've been a play." Never thought I'd say that about a horror film, but here we are. A great sense of time and place on this one, even if some of the horror aspects were a little hokey.
34. Jackass Forever
Sometimes you just wanna sit back and watch a bunch of old dudes get the shit beat out of them. Definitely the hardest I've laughed at a movie all year, even if those laughs weren't necessarily unexpected. I think maybe they could've done more with the whole "the young kids are with us now and they are going to take our places in history" thing, though the fact that they did anything with it to begin with is somewhat of a marvel in and of itself. This is Jackass, after all. Poignancy costs a premium.
Sometimes you just wanna sit back and watch a bunch of old dudes get the shit beat out of them. Definitely the hardest I've laughed at a movie all year, even if those laughs weren't necessarily unexpected. I think maybe they could've done more with the whole "the young kids are with us now and they are going to take our places in history" thing, though the fact that they did anything with it to begin with is somewhat of a marvel in and of itself. This is Jackass, after all. Poignancy costs a premium.
33. Women Talking
I was a sleep for a lot of this but that's my fault... mostly.
Shit, man, I feel like this was one of my biggest regrets in the past year, film-wise. I was definitely conscious enough to be confident that it was at least the 33rd-best film I saw this year, but I wonder if I had gotten the full experience, if it would shoot up that much higher. I like deep talkies, and this was the talkiest. I promise it won't happen again (my alcoholism sincerely had a lot to do with my tendency to fall asleep during movies, and I got sober ten days after we watched this).
I was a sleep for a lot of this but that's my fault... mostly.
Shit, man, I feel like this was one of my biggest regrets in the past year, film-wise. I was definitely conscious enough to be confident that it was at least the 33rd-best film I saw this year, but I wonder if I had gotten the full experience, if it would shoot up that much higher. I like deep talkies, and this was the talkiest. I promise it won't happen again (my alcoholism sincerely had a lot to do with my tendency to fall asleep during movies, and I got sober ten days after we watched this).
32. Pan's Labyrinth
The seriousness of one story cuts the silliness and grossness of the other, but the silly fantasy stuff also does a good job at enhancing the seriousness of the fascism stuff. Great combo. Visually unforgettable—there's a reason I was familiar with the sight of the Pale Man before watching one minute of this film. Movie magic, baby!
31. Manchester by the Sea
We want life to mean something, but it doesn't. Bad things happen because of chaos, not order. There will be no closure.
We want life to mean something, but it doesn't. Bad things happen because of chaos, not order. There will be no closure.
30. Million Dollar Baby
It's all about expectations, baby. Sometimes I expect goodness and I'm let down. Sometimes I don't expect much and I'm blown away. Sometimes—like this time—I expect greatness, and the film performs the simple task of delivering. I enjoy watching an underdog story, but that doesn't mean the film itself has to be an underdog. Million Dollar Baby was the favorite, and it didn't lose.
It's all about expectations, baby. Sometimes I expect goodness and I'm let down. Sometimes I don't expect much and I'm blown away. Sometimes—like this time—I expect greatness, and the film performs the simple task of delivering. I enjoy watching an underdog story, but that doesn't mean the film itself has to be an underdog. Million Dollar Baby was the favorite, and it didn't lose.
29. Malcolm X
I really appreciated the fact that Spike Lee directed this one. I feel like biopics are typically boring because they feel more informative than entertaining. They are just repeating what the protagonist said and did in real life. Not so with a Lee joint. There's always that little something extra in the coda, something worth holding onto after the credits roll.
I really appreciated the fact that Spike Lee directed this one. I feel like biopics are typically boring because they feel more informative than entertaining. They are just repeating what the protagonist said and did in real life. Not so with a Lee joint. There's always that little something extra in the coda, something worth holding onto after the credits roll.
28. Paddington 2
I'm only here to find out if it's really better than Citizen Kane.
Verdict: IT SURE IS (but I'm only saying that because I know it pisses a certain type of person off, which is almost as fun as watching a CGI bear accidentally shove a marmalade sandwich into Brendan Gleeson's mouth).
I'm only here to find out if it's really better than Citizen Kane.
Verdict: IT SURE IS (but I'm only saying that because I know it pisses a certain type of person off, which is almost as fun as watching a CGI bear accidentally shove a marmalade sandwich into Brendan Gleeson's mouth).
27. Amy
It's established early on in the doc that Amy Winehouse knew since she was a teenager that fame would not be good for her. The dramatic irony of knowing what fame indeed did to her makes the film hard to handle. That there aren't any shots without Amy in them (i.e. no talking heads, just voiceovers) helps to twist the blade.
26. Mystic River
Kinda funny to watch both "Mystic" movies in one day, and find that the second one ALSO has a triplicate of amazing actors doing top-notch work. This one obviously had some darker tones than Mystic Pizza, but that was obviously the point. There is a legitimate trauma at the heart of the dudes from Mystic River, and it's a depressing and somewhat addictive to see where that trauma leads them throughout the course of the story. But yeah... this one probably boils down to the acting, which is top-notch.
Kinda funny to watch both "Mystic" movies in one day, and find that the second one ALSO has a triplicate of amazing actors doing top-notch work. This one obviously had some darker tones than Mystic Pizza, but that was obviously the point. There is a legitimate trauma at the heart of the dudes from Mystic River, and it's a depressing and somewhat addictive to see where that trauma leads them throughout the course of the story. But yeah... this one probably boils down to the acting, which is top-notch.
25. The Master
I went in expecting to enjoy Phillip Seymour Hoffman's performance, and I certainly did, but I was not expecting to be blown away by Joaquin Phoenix like I was. He was positively unhinged in The Master, and made this film the weird and wonderful journey it ended up being. What is it trying to say, though?! In my own personal journey to one day understanding the art of film, I want The Master to be my master.
I went in expecting to enjoy Phillip Seymour Hoffman's performance, and I certainly did, but I was not expecting to be blown away by Joaquin Phoenix like I was. He was positively unhinged in The Master, and made this film the weird and wonderful journey it ended up being. What is it trying to say, though?! In my own personal journey to one day understanding the art of film, I want The Master to be my master.
24. Jason Isbell: Running with Our Eyes Closed
They say "you like musicians who make good music, but you love musicians whom you see yourself in." Actually, I don't know if they say that. Smells like bullshit to me. But man, Jason Isbell the guy I want to be. This rock doc is an unflinching look at the ideal flawed man.
They say "you like musicians who make good music, but you love musicians whom you see yourself in." Actually, I don't know if they say that. Smells like bullshit to me. But man, Jason Isbell the guy I want to be. This rock doc is an unflinching look at the ideal flawed man.
23. Moneyball
A really excellent film about a small group of people who were doing their absolute best to ruin baseball. It's hard not to be romantic about baseball, yes, but it becomes a lot easier when you introduce sabermetrics. Still, this is a review of Moneyball, not a review of sabermetrics, so I'll say: just enjoy the show.
A really excellent film about a small group of people who were doing their absolute best to ruin baseball. It's hard not to be romantic about baseball, yes, but it becomes a lot easier when you introduce sabermetrics. Still, this is a review of Moneyball, not a review of sabermetrics, so I'll say: just enjoy the show.
22. Circle of Friends
Basically "the Irish Mystic Pizza," and I'm totally down for it. I really appreciate these types of movies, the small-town drama and the coming of age, the sense that we are just hanging out with these young folks during what ends up being a pivotal moment in their lives. Watching the characters feel like these low stakes are actually the highest stakes ever. I'm into it. Minnie Driver is winning, as always.
21. The Philadelphia Story
Always impressive when a comedy from the 1940s is still funny. Also kind of impressive when a comedy end on an uncertain note (that look Katharine Hepburn gives! goddamn!); if this was made 70 years later we'd be punished with The Philadelphia Story 2 because of that ending. It feels like anyone who calls The Philadelphia Story "boring" is a boorish philistine with no fucking taste.
20. Ordinary People
If you read a plot description then you might assume this is going to be soapy and melodramatic, but it was the opposite—sharply acted, deeply emotional, frighteningly real. A good movie makes you want its characters to be happy, even when you know they never will be.
19. Ocean's Eleven
Hell fucking yeah. I try to use the adjective "cool as shit" sparingly in movie reviews, but this one was cool as motherfucking shit. And it's true—it really is life-affirming to see the Bellagio water fountain show! That wasn't fictional!
Hell fucking yeah. I try to use the adjective "cool as shit" sparingly in movie reviews, but this one was cool as motherfucking shit. And it's true—it really is life-affirming to see the Bellagio water fountain show! That wasn't fictional!
18. Tár
Lots to like here. The thing I liked best was how long it was content to just hang in Tár's world, and how long it took for the other shoe to drop. The thing I'll be chewing on for a while is how the movie presents the idea of sympathy, and to what degree it's asking us to feel it for its protagonist.
17. Mystic Pizza
Ebert famously said that this movie would be remembered as the film where its three leads got their start. He wasn't all that far off the mark. Still, though, I'm content to stay in the moment, and not worry about the future for any of these actresses. In the moment, here, this otherwise decent romantic comedy, the three lead women make it count. What a delight to drop in on the town of Mystic for but a couple hours.
Ebert famously said that this movie would be remembered as the film where its three leads got their start. He wasn't all that far off the mark. Still, though, I'm content to stay in the moment, and not worry about the future for any of these actresses. In the moment, here, this otherwise decent romantic comedy, the three lead women make it count. What a delight to drop in on the town of Mystic for but a couple hours.
16. The Banshees of Inisherin
Blessedly small-stakes, which feels weird saying about a movie where a dude cuts off his own fingers, but still. I loved the small town vibes, while, sure, acknowledging the fact that it's all a metaphor for civil war... we can just pretend it's not, if you want.
15. Aftersun
I think we're trained as film viewers to expect the worst for our characters, and Aftersun leaned into that. "This dad is going to die now" I thought a thousand times through these 100 minutes. But something worse than that happens: we don't know. Something is happening around the edges, but from the perspective of an eleven-year-old, we'll just never fucking know. A beautiful film.
14. Midsommar
Don't put me in a bear suit and set me on fire when I say this, but......... the mise-en-scène of this film was incredible.
I think we're trained as film viewers to expect the worst for our characters, and Aftersun leaned into that. "This dad is going to die now" I thought a thousand times through these 100 minutes. But something worse than that happens: we don't know. Something is happening around the edges, but from the perspective of an eleven-year-old, we'll just never fucking know. A beautiful film.
14. Midsommar
Don't put me in a bear suit and set me on fire when I say this, but......... the mise-en-scène of this film was incredible.
13. Triangle of Sadness
More than anything, here is proof that movies are best viewed having not read anything about them and not even knowing what they are about. (I won't ruin it here, then.) Triangle of Sadness presents well-worn themes, perhaps, but they are presented in ways that made me cringe, made me nauseous, made me laugh more than I have at any movie in a really long time. What a fucking surprise of a film.
More than anything, here is proof that movies are best viewed having not read anything about them and not even knowing what they are about. (I won't ruin it here, then.) Triangle of Sadness presents well-worn themes, perhaps, but they are presented in ways that made me cringe, made me nauseous, made me laugh more than I have at any movie in a really long time. What a fucking surprise of a film.
12. Network
Sincerely shocked that the big famous line hits near the middle of the film. I assumed it was going to come at the end of an optimistic, underdog tale of some sort. Instead, it hits hard, but then curdles into the most cynical—and unfortunately true-to-life—films I've ever seen. It's not a comedy but it's so dark you laugh anyway.
Sincerely shocked that the big famous line hits near the middle of the film. I assumed it was going to come at the end of an optimistic, underdog tale of some sort. Instead, it hits hard, but then curdles into the most cynical—and unfortunately true-to-life—films I've ever seen. It's not a comedy but it's so dark you laugh anyway.
11. The Wicker Man
WOW. This is definitely one of those films that wouldn't work as well if you know what it is and how it works and where it's going. But once we got there, it was like a cold bucket of water in the face, and so many things clicked into place simultaneously. A singular film, and deservedly called a classic in the genre.
10. No Country for Old Men
I love the line the one old dude gives to Tommy Lee Jones about not being the main character, basically. "Not everything is about you, that's vanity!" I think that's what makes this movie special. It's not about the audience. It's not going to give us answers. We're just seeing part of the story. Thankfully, the part that we see is some primo Coen Brothers shit, and I loved it, mysteries and all.
WOW. This is definitely one of those films that wouldn't work as well if you know what it is and how it works and where it's going. But once we got there, it was like a cold bucket of water in the face, and so many things clicked into place simultaneously. A singular film, and deservedly called a classic in the genre.
10. No Country for Old Men
I love the line the one old dude gives to Tommy Lee Jones about not being the main character, basically. "Not everything is about you, that's vanity!" I think that's what makes this movie special. It's not about the audience. It's not going to give us answers. We're just seeing part of the story. Thankfully, the part that we see is some primo Coen Brothers shit, and I loved it, mysteries and all.
9. Philadelphia
There are people in my life who believe wholeheartedly that the world is getting worse and worse each day. Man, what a terrible way to live. I don't think that's true. I can't. I wouldn't be able to function. There's nothing I can do to convince these family members that the world is getting better (not as long as they are continuing to watch the nightly local news and lick the bootstraps of the police), but watching Philadelphia might help. Because it sure does seem like Philadelphia is better than this, all these 30 years later. That we as a society are kinder and look out for each other more, in general. Or maybe Hanks' Oscar-worthy performance just helps me put on the rose-colored glasses, I don't know.
8. Barbie
This isn't a heist movie, but it sure feels like a heist, with Greta Gerwig smuggling in intense themes of female liberation and the value of human life into this would-be commercial for a kids toy. Not that those themes are "hidden," per se. They are right there in the open. But it's all too easy to imagine what this movie could've been in less capable hands. Probably something like those fucking Trolls movies. No, what we have here is a touching and surprisingly innocent and wickedly smart ode to womanhood and passion and LIFE. I'd watch it again (and, because of my kids, I have, many times, already).
Weird to be comparing 2022 Oscar films and 2023 Oscar hopefuls, so let's just say for now that I'll probably have more to say about Barbie once the nominations drop in a month or so. Until then, know that I've seen Barbie an additional two dozen times since writing the review, and there are very few parts of this film that feel worn out even at this juncture.
7. Everything Everywhere All at Once
The infinite worlds theory collapses: there is no universe in which I disapprove of an extended Ratatouille bit. But that was just one of a billion inspired sections of this endlessly creative film.
6. The Fablemans
I love art that is self-reflective about its own medium. The Fabelmans is like that because it's a movie about how great movies are. It's also a great movie, which proves the original point as correct. And it's fun, and heartwarming, and has an instantly iconic final shot. I sincerely can't see another movie topping The Fablemans for me this Oscar season, but we'll see.
I love art that is self-reflective about its own medium. The Fabelmans is like that because it's a movie about how great movies are. It's also a great movie, which proves the original point as correct. And it's fun, and heartwarming, and has an instantly iconic final shot. I sincerely can't see another movie topping The Fablemans for me this Oscar season, but we'll see.
5. Mulholland Drive
I didn't walk away from this film feeling like I've "conquered film" or anything. I doubt I'll ever feel that way. But I did walk away from Mulholland Drive feeling like a piece of the grand puzzle had been put into place. I'm not saying I get it. I'm saying that it just felt good to at least be at a level where I can have the discussion, that's all. That's a step in the right direction.
Or: this movie was insane, and will never stop thinking about it.
I didn't walk away from this film feeling like I've "conquered film" or anything. I doubt I'll ever feel that way. But I did walk away from Mulholland Drive feeling like a piece of the grand puzzle had been put into place. I'm not saying I get it. I'm saying that it just felt good to at least be at a level where I can have the discussion, that's all. That's a step in the right direction.
Or: this movie was insane, and will never stop thinking about it.
4. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The filibuster scene was everything I was promised and more. I'm like 80 years late to the party but Jimmy Stewart really is one of the best actors of all time. And I know no one is going to take me seriously when I say this, but I legitimately think there is reason to believe that Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is a prequel to It's a Wonderful Life.
3. Past Lives
Not trying to be glib when I say that this is Brief Encounter plus Groundhog Day. Honestly the type of movie that can shake you to your core, and/or put things in a wild new perspective. You can consider your past and consider your future and consider alternate paths and alternate lives and still focus on the present reality, that all that other stuff helps to clarify where and who you are in the here and now. This was a deeply kind film, and hopeful, and inspiring. Sorry, I'm not good at writing about this shit, obviously. But I can't imagine I'll ever stop thinking about this one.
Possible that it's sitting at #3 on this list due to recency bias. Possible, but not probable; Pam and I were just yesterday talking about how this is a film that is designed to stick with you for a really long time, and that earns it its spot up here.
The filibuster scene was everything I was promised and more. I'm like 80 years late to the party but Jimmy Stewart really is one of the best actors of all time. And I know no one is going to take me seriously when I say this, but I legitimately think there is reason to believe that Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is a prequel to It's a Wonderful Life.
3. Past Lives
Not trying to be glib when I say that this is Brief Encounter plus Groundhog Day. Honestly the type of movie that can shake you to your core, and/or put things in a wild new perspective. You can consider your past and consider your future and consider alternate paths and alternate lives and still focus on the present reality, that all that other stuff helps to clarify where and who you are in the here and now. This was a deeply kind film, and hopeful, and inspiring. Sorry, I'm not good at writing about this shit, obviously. But I can't imagine I'll ever stop thinking about this one.
Possible that it's sitting at #3 on this list due to recency bias. Possible, but not probable; Pam and I were just yesterday talking about how this is a film that is designed to stick with you for a really long time, and that earns it its spot up here.
2. On the Waterfront
When will you ever learn, old man (I'm referring to myself here)?! That the classics are classics for a reason?! And that any classic that has survived for 70 years is probably worth the emotional investment?!
instead of a bum, which is what I am
When will you ever learn, old man (I'm referring to myself here)?! That the classics are classics for a reason?! And that any classic that has survived for 70 years is probably worth the emotional investment?!
instead of a bum, which is what I am
1. Miracle on 34th Street
I don't know what to tell you. I watched a Christmas movie in May, and I fucking LOVED it. Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, but probably in the polar opposite way that something like Die Hard is a "Christmas movie" according to some. Yes, it takes place at Christmas, and features Xmas imagery, but also... it's about more than Christmas. It's about faith. It's about believing in something bigger than yourself, and it's about believing in the goodness in humanity. I willingly receive the message, even in the warm months of the year.
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