Explorers Are Frequently Lost: A Well-Drawn-Up Play

 written by Sam

Maggie and La Salle at Christmas.

 

PHILADELPHIA—Parenting can be like running a collegiate basketball team. You manage children with irrational desires who bounce off each other in unexpected ways, and any plan you cobble together to replicate the semblance of order nearly always goes awry.

But other times, the players (and children) execute exactly as you drew it up, and you can sit with that for a second.

Such was La Salle's 107-41 thumping of the lowly (I can't bring myself to say hated) Rosemont College Ravens (2-9) Dec. 21. Just like Fran Dunphy plotted a cupcake pre-holiday drubbing to instill confidence in every single member of the Explorers (9-3) leading into conference play, I played the afternoon of childcare tic-tac-toe perfectly.

Not until I had children did I realize the numerable and seemingly unending breaks, in-services, holidays, sick days, parent-teacher conferences, and random bullshit off days that suffocate your calendar and cripple your life. From Dec. 16 to Jan. 1, my children will not attend school due to enforced worship of the christ child that our secular society (and Q4 revenue projectors) demand. That's 17 days of programing to fill. 

So when I noticed that La Salle had scheduled a 2:30 p.m. Thursday contest against a Division III team (I mistakenly said D-II in last week's column), I smiled at the gift provided and dragged Maggie to 20th and Olney.

My five-year-old daughter had already attended two games this season, and the luster had worn off a little. She's fine to hang out, so long as we ply her with soft pretzels and yield to judgment-free iPad time. For this solo trip with dad, I needed to up the stakes. 

Ambitiously, I envisioned taking her to campus early and regaling her of my halcyon days. Yes, outside Olney Hall in the bushes is where Uncle Kory peed before an improv show. Of course, that's the Intermission's Karaoke stage where my PoYB editor was restrained. Also, I wouldn't sit on that Collegian couch, that's where your mother and I... hey look, a Fran Dunphy photo! Maybe, just maybe, my daughter could appreciate something so meaningful to me, and I could kill some time before tip off. 

Unfortunately, La Salle missed my memo on the glory days, as pretty much the entire campus was locked up. No classes meant not even the Student Union was open; no drinking 40s in the cats this time around.

However, a recent redesign to the Quad resulted in some fun trampoline hammock things she could play with; there was tons of Christmas decorations, and Maggie was dazzled by the huge tree; and the bookstore was open, so La Salle got a bit more from my wallet.

More importantly, Maggie actually enjoyed herself. I think she appreciated the one-on-one time with dad, and even noted with approval that I must be skipping work to hang with her (sorry, taxpayers!). La Salle at Christmas can be a nice place, and the campus impressed her at least.

Then, she reciprocated with the ultimate gift—she watched the basketball game. Minimal iPad, though a sickening amount of Skittles were expended to earn her interest in an old-fashion assbeating. More of a glorified scrimmage than a game, but a win's a win!

As Nate described it to me, it was a shameful affair. La Salle opened the game on 13-0 heater, pushed the lead to 22-3, and finished the half up 56-21. The Ravens had no answer for the unstoppable force known as Rokas Jocius, as the lug finished with 15 points on 7-9 shooting and 6 rebounds, 3 blocks, and 2 steals. His height finally worked to his advantage, as it looked like he was placing ice cubes in a cup against the diminutive Rosemont defenders.

Coach Dunphy emptied his bench in the first half, and all 13 Explorers who saw action scored. The team whooped it up when Serbian freshman Milos Kovacevic registered his first collegiate point from the free-throw line, and lost their shit when Turkish freshman Efe Tahmaz drained a three-pointer. I don't know if the Explorers' Eastern Block bench will become household names, but for one afternoon, they all found joy in Olney.

Maggie was impressed by Daeshon Shephherd's sick slams, and got out of her seat to clap when Jhamir Brickus effortlessly drained a couple of threes. She was even a little sad when we had to leave early (gotta get to the lights at the Elmwood Park Zoo!).

The afternoon was a success for me as a dad, and Coach Dunphy as a leader of men. Only the reluctant Ravens were harmed, but fuck them, they signed up for the shellacking.

...

Up next, the Explos host Howard (4-9) Dec. 30 at 2 PM in the team's final tune-up before the Atlantic 10 Conference schedule starts in 2024. I'll be skiing in Vermont, so we'll see what I can muster for next week.

"Explorers Are Frequently Lost" strives to be a weekly column about the La Salle's Men's Basketball Team, but I hope is about other stuff, too. 

The Quad remade with hip Adirondack chairs.

Skittles made the blow-out verses Rosemont palatable.