I don't know what I want from Christmas music, exactly. It's easy to be a Grinch and find faults in any Christmas music that finds my ears during the season, which, sure, is not really fun, but I can't help it. Holiday music by and large sucks. Even the good stuff is not that good. It's tiring.
I could say that this album by SNL alumni Ana Gasteyer is bad and I could say why in a thousand different ways. She can't win. Like, for example, the album is not funny. It's not supposed to be funny; it's not a comedy album. Gasteyer says as much. She wanted this to be a "traditional" album with "jazzy" numbers. So one fault might be "why isn't the comedian doing anything funny?" But then if she decided to do a "funny" album, I'd probably be like "well this isn't that funny (much like Saturday Night Live! etc. etc. etc.)." (E.g. that Maya Rudolph song? WOOF.)
There are lots of originals here, which is commendable. Unfortunately, none of them really stick. That's the nature of the game. The Christmas Canon has been set. Mariah Carey made a deal with the devil to have the last original Christmas song, and the gates have been henceforth closed. Songs like "Nothing Rhymes with Christmas" and "The Merriest" are cute, but they don't feel like Christmas. But then, when she does an traditional cover, it just feels corny and overblown. Gasteyer has pipes, and she shows 'em off during "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," but at the same time, it's so overdone that it's cringey. She can't win!
(Shout out to the Hanukkah song, though—"In the Market for a Miracle." I'll always highlight the non-Christmas holiday songs whenever they pop up on these types of albums. Why aren't there more Hannukah songs? I don't get it. Adam Sandler can suck my dick.)
The title track got me. Stop reading now, you know where I'm going with this. Yes, it fucking sucks that Gasteyer is singing the truth here, that the only thing that makes the holidays tolerable is alcohol. I survived Thanksgiving with white knuckles and I'm anxious about Christmas. It's tough to hear this song because, without booze, is she saying that the holidays are missing something? Are they not worth it? Is there a big gaping hole where my holiday cheer and cheers used to be? I don't know. Almost 300 days in and I still don't know and still haven't figured it out and sometimes I collapse inward and sometimes I lash out, rage against the flippant Ana Gasteyers of the world. I'm jealous, is what it really is. I'm jealous that she keeps her cider spiked with rum and her corks uncorked and her dancing shoes on and seems really happy and content and well-liked and cheerful. Meanwhile I'm over here stocking up on Aldi seltzers and sweating bullets at the idea of surviving Christmas Eve without six Mad Elfs to the face, somehow.
None of this is Ana Gasteyer's fault. I'm just bringing it up to again highlight that she can't win. No one can. Not during Christmas, as far as Christmas music is concerned. Let's just end the whole thing right here (or, alternatively, write like a dozen and a half more album reviews for Record Club).
GRADE: 2.5 pukes out of 5
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