Saturday, June 29, 2024

RECORD CLUB PRESENTS: Kailyn's Dozen, Week #6 of 12: American Tragedy by Hollywood Undead


There it is. There's the hilariously bad album I was waiting for.

It's okay! They can't all be winners! I'm honestly surprised that we made it this far without an album sounding like this. Sure, Red River Blue was mediocre at best, and didn't have much in terms of stone-cold hits, and was a little icky if you considered the politics it implied. Sure, Avenged Sevenfold succeeded only by deftly clearing the earth's-core-level expectations. But Kailyn hasn't picked a wildly terribly album until now. I'm talking so bad that I couldn't stop laughing, that kind of bad.

And let's be fair, laughter is good. It's healthy. Doesn't matter if you're laughing at or with, as long as you're laughing. It adds years to your life. Thank you, Hollywood Undead. Thank you, Kailyn.

Here's the deal with these guys—it's a mix of *NSYNC and Linkin Park, but under the guise of horrorcore. It's boy-band-ish, technically speaking, because there are five members, and none of them play instruments. Instead, their roles are "lead vocals," "rap vocals," and "hype vocals." They are nü-metal because of the harsh sounds that are twisted into a sort of dark pop sort of thing... I'm not good at describing that, but you'll know what I'm talking about when you hear it. And then the horrorcore thing is mostly pertaining to the lyrics, which are crude and violent, with "raps" about drinking and fighting and killing and homophobia. Weird fucking combo, man. So weird when they switch from rap to "harmonizing" as a group.

But, like, "nü-metal Backstreet Boys" sounds like an absolutely absurd description, to the point that I had to do some light research before writing this just to make sure this wasn't supposed to be some sort of oblique parody of either or both genres. When I say that this sounds like some bullshit the Lonely Island would cook up, I mean that as an insult to both Lonely Island and Hollywood Undead. But it's true! It's all true! This shit is very silly! Take for instance, this back half of a verse from HU member Charlie Scene on the second song of the album, "Apologize":

"Don't invite Scene over, he pees at sleepovers
He asks your sister out just so he can cheat on her
What a creep loner, shit, I couldn't sink lower
You just got a mean boner from a Charlie Scene poster
If I'm popping a wheelie, it's 'cause I'm jacking your bike
Got my middle finger raised as I'm running red lights
I'm known to punch 'em in the dick at the end of a fight
And I'll never say I'm sorry at the end of the night."

I don't know what to make of this. I can't take it seriously but it's so fucking goofy and so densely packed with insane bullshit that I also can't help but respect it. That line about cheating on your sister? Probably the dumbest brilliant line I've ever heard. And the dude is talking about himself! There is another part in the next song, "Comin' In Hot," in which Scene attempts to rhyme "Home Alone" and "Macaulay Culkin," but has to twist the surname into sounding like "Col-CONE" to make it fit. Later in that verse, he says "We drink so much Goose, we're turning into geese." I just... I don't know what to make of any of this. I really don't. I always speculate about something being so bad that it becomes good again, but Charlie Scene's rapping is the clearest, best example that I've ever come across.

And this is all ignoring the framework under which we've come to this batshit album! That this is one of a 20-something female from Pittsburgh's favorite albums! And I'm supposed to be making assumptions about this poor girl based on the fact that she listens to American Tragedy by the early-'10s rap-rock band Hollywood Undead! How?! Why?!

This makes me wish that I had had the foresight to choose American Tragedy for Record Club instead of Masterpiece Theatre. That would have been fun. It's always more fun when you're taking swipes at an album in a vacuum. I could've written a mean 1-puke review for this fucker, and had a great time. Nate would have either been extremely upset or nobly contrarian. Sunny would have done the work to prove that this was indeed actually a parody. Not sure who else would've written that week. Looks like Sam was writing regularly around that time. I feel like American Tragedy would've been an excellent vehicle for Sammy's patented grumpiness. And we all could've pretended like this thing fell out of the sky instead of having been handed to us by an unassuming artist-turned-tax-attorney who didn't ask for any of this.

Here's the thing, though. Here's the rub. Exploring music is way more fun when you feel something in the extreme. Doesn't matter if the emotion is hilarity and disbelief, as it is here. I don't remember feeling anything about Marianas Trench, and that was to it's detriment. Sure, ask me which is a better album, and I'm taking Masterpiece Theatre every fucking time. But if you're asking me which album I'd prefer to listen to and write words about it at gunpoint? Well, I think American Tragedy is the winner.

And I know what that says about me and I know what that says about music, but I don't really know what that says about Kailyn. We've already talked about the range of her list, how impossible it might seem that Blake Shelton and BOYS LIKE GIRLS and Hollywood Undead are all chilling right next to each other... impossible until you remember that most people don't really think about shit like "favorite album" all that much or at least not as intensely as your typical PoYB denizen might, and so a list like this doesn't make sense because it doesn't have to. It's random. We've already talked about that, and how boring that is, and antithetical to the point of this twelve-week exercise, and so let's instead run through the typical reasons again. Why might Kailyn love Hollywood Undead's American Tragedy?

1) She heard it during a pivotal life moment. This is a big one for people who don't think about music below the surface. Maybe she was on a trip with a friend and that friend played for her their favorite rap-rock band.

2) She knows someone in the band, or someone she knows knows a member, or some other direct or indirect personal connection to the personnel that would give her an excuse to check them out.

3) It started like a joke but eventually stopped being funny. Maybe her friends were passing it around, but the ironic love turned into true love after some time passed.

4) This is still a joke. Kailyn added it to the list to fuck with me.

5) This is the wrong album. Originally, she wrote "Hollywood Undead by Hollywood Undead," but that doesn't exist. They don't have a self-titled. So I took my best guess here, and maybe my guess was wrong.

5) Kailyn legitimately loves all kinds of music and makes a point to get into various genres to strengthen her character and spirit.

And why not? Why not that last one? That's how I see myself, so why wouldn't I trust others to feel the same and listen to music in that way too? Forget about percentages and probabilities, and how it's statistically more likely that Kailyn is an "average listener" who doesn't really give a shit about music beyond what was spoon-fed to her by life's circumstance and the algorithm. Forget about that. I need to think the other way. I need to believe that Kailyn is one of the special ones. I need to believe that she gets it. I need to believe this or else my soul is gonna take a bullet. I need to believe or else I'm gonna be like Charlie Scene and threaten to cut my wrists... metaphorically speaking, of course.

But if I'm thinking that way, then the problem reverts back to: why is this album on her list so fucking bad? Say Kailyn "gets it," okay, but then this choice is just too preposterous to factor into the theory that she gets it. Can you say with full honesty that you are "into music intensely" and also say with full honesty that you love Hollywood Undead?

Probably not... but that's forgetting that Kailyn never made that fucking claim in the first place. Go way back to the first email about this. Let me quote her here: "Sadly I love too much and don't really have favorites, but I can list some of my favorites if that works? Well at least albums in which I love more than a couple songs (I'm notorious for listening to just a few songs from a ton if different people/groups) lol." So there you go, man. We're halfway through this project and we're finally getting some answers here. She actually doesn't care about albums. It's exactly like the probabilities suggested. Kailyn is an "average listener," in that she doesn't listen to albums. Oof. This realization hurts.

I'll get over it, though. Even if we can know with almost certainty that Kailyn doesn't "get" music like we strive to here at the blog, at least the world makes a little more sense. There's comfort to be found in the clarity of knowing that it's not some unknowable mystery here, but that it is instead just some person randomly throwing shit onto a list based on some songs that she knows and puts on the dreaded Playlist That I Put On When I Want to Listen to Music©.

Because this album is very bad. Seriously, have you guys listened to it yet, maybe while I've been prattling on about some stranger half a state away? It's insane how bad it is. Have you heard the back half yet? Songs like "Bullet" and "Pour Me" drop the nü-metal shit altogether and turn into straight-up pop ballads. It's fucking hilarious. This is an album that thinks it's a great idea to transition right from the autotuned sad-boy song "Pour Me" directly into "Tendencies," the finale, in which Johnny 3 Tears rap-yells about having sex with dogs. Truly incredible stuff here.

The best part about all of this is that it's all made up. Hollywood Undead are too ridiculous to be real, and my vision of Kailyn was fake too. And so maybe we can just have fun with it. If I ever meet Kailyn in real life, I will probably not tell her how much I thought this album was hilariously awful. Why, though? Why am I writing it here but planning not to speak my truth in real life? That's the thing, though. There is no real life. We're all phony, and we're all just trying to feel something to pretend like we're real. And if I get to listen to an album in which a white guy in a hockey mask sing-raps about pissing on himself and shooting people with guns, then yeah, man, I guess I'm feeling something, and so I guess I'm real. If anything, we can thank Kailyn for that.

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5

A PICTURE FROM KAILYN'S OLD INSTAGRAM THAT BEST ENCAPSULATES THE EXPERIENCE OF LISTENING TO THIS ALBUM:


THE FULL LIST, IN ORDER OF COVERAGE:
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