Yearlong Song Challenge, Day 85: Sara

Prompt: "A song about facial hair"

Selected by Sara

"Why Having a Beard Is Better Than Having a Woman"

The Beards

Having a Beard is the New Not Having a Beard, 2012

I am so happy to have found the incel anthem of 2012. This song makes a strong case for why having a beard is better than being in a relationship with a woman. It's a strong argument. So you know what, go be with a man. If you fucking love beards so much, date a man. You won't. Oh you won't be so masculine that you will only fuck men? What a fucking pussy! Well, then let's find out what your perfect woman is! 

"A beard will never talk back

A beard is more attractive when it's hairy and fat

A beard will stick by you when a woman won't

A beard looks better with age

Women don't

You can attack your beard with a razor it'll keep comin back"

OK, sounds like your perfect woman is silent, slim, hairless, loyal, young, and open to physical violence. Godbless, I literally don't check one of those boxes, consider me "marked safe." So we have the perfect woman, how will your relationship go, how fulfilling is it? Let's find out together:

"A beard won't care if you're shit in the sack

And a beard will never get together with the other beards

And talk about you behind your back

No, a beard won't get angry or jealous or weird

If it sees you looking at another man's beard

A beard will never go and start having sex with some guy from her work

And then try and turn that shit around

By telling you it's your fault

'Cause you never paid any attention to her feelings..."

Welp, I believe you're just telling on yourself here, buddy! Sounds like you are emotionally neglectful and garbage in bed. Weird. Also, sounds like you were cheated on and those emotions came flowing through the pen to create this lovely anthem for incels. Thank you for your service. Go choke.