Yearlong Song Challenge, Day 11: Joe

Prompt: "The song you think of when you think about your first crush"

Selected by Joe

"Save Me"

Remy Zero

The Golden Hour, 2001

I feel like I was late, puberty-wise. Maybe it was a normal timeline after all and I'm just misremembering. Or maybe I was just self-aware at the time and didn't talk any puffed-up bullshit: I didn't really have any actual "crushes" until high school. There was talk about and thoughts about who I "liked" and all that elementary school nonsense, you know what I'm talking about, but those statements felt arbitrary in retrospect. I liked someone because I was made to feel like I should (had to) "like" someone. I didn't really feel it until later. Hence the thinking that puberty was late onset. (This is assuming that "liking" someone is associated with puberty, though I ain't no fucking doctor.)

The adults in my life did the thing when I was young when they would be like "oooh is she your girlfriend?" I'm talking like way too young of an age. I have a distinct memory of being at the (f.k.a.) Franklin Mills Mall, at the toy store (K·B Toys), and they had this talking toy parrot that would repeat whatever you most recently told it, over and over and at a higher pitch, and so my mom (or was it Mom Mom or Dee Dee? I don't know) told the parrot "Joey loves Regina" (a girl in my kindergarten class) and it started screeching over and over "Joey loves Regina! Joey love Regina! Joey loves Regina!" They all thought it was a fucking hoot.

It was embarrassing because it was a toy parrot in public repeating assumptions about my personal life, and I was also five years old and didn't know how to handle public embarrassment like that, but also... I think it's fucking weird when five-year-olds are sexualized. Let's not mince words about it, that's exactly what it is. Five-year-olds, beyond not knowing what "love" actually means (there are adults a lot older than that who still don't), also don't know what "love" means in the figurative sense ("my body chemistry is telling me I want to fuck this person"). And it's gross to even joke about it otherwise. I won't do this to my children. Willow, who is five now, has already been asked some form of a question "Oh is he your boyfriend?" Like, what?! How is this socially acceptable? At best, it is designed to embarrass, which is fucked up thing to do to a kindergartner. At worst, it's child abuse, because you're encouraging a child to sexually act out.

Let me step off my soapbox and tell you about a Superman television show from the '00s. It was called Smallville. It starred Tom Welling as Clark Kent, and told the story of Superman before he took flight or wore tights, back when he was just a normal teen (who happened to look like a very grown-up Tom Welling) trying to fit in at his Kansas high school. It premiered in October 2001, and as far as I can recall, I was a regular viewer from the beginning (at worst, I hopped on a few weeks late and caught up).

So that made me twelve, on the cusp of my teenage years. I had a TV in my bedroom with The WB antenna'd in. My weekly ritual, on whatever night of the week Smallville aired, was the microwave the pizza- or meatball-flavored Hot Pocket during the credits of whatever was on right beforehand (7th Heaven, maybe), and then set up on the desk chair in my room, and watch whatever hijinx Clark and Pete and Chloe and Lana were getting into that week (plus commercials for Reba, I'm sure).

I watched Smallville religiously for maybe the first four or five seasons (there were ten seasons?!), so it was during this time frame when I first "noticed girls" (there is no non-cringeworthy way to put it). There wasn't a Big Bang moment; it was more gradual than that. For example, I don't recall watching Smallville and having any sudden realizations about how attractive Kristin Kreuk (Lana) was. I mark her as my first celebrity crush because, one, she was the first celebrity I articulated a crush for, and two, at some point during those first four seasons, due to changes in my body, it actually became true.

I don't even know if I'd call it a crush. Does there have to be a greater than 0% chance that the crush will be requited for it to be a legitimate crush? If so, then this isn't actually a crush. I thought Kreuk was hot but I wasn't harboring thoughts about her showing up at my doorstep in Rockledge to kiss me on the lips (forever the Scott Mechlowicz, never the bald skinhead Matt Damon). I was young but I wasn't stupid. But then if there even was a "first crush" in that sense, like an actual human being whom I interacted with and felt a chemical attraction to, then I wouldn't know who that was. I'd either have to dig deep into my secret diary archives (a task that always leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself) or just pick a stupid-ass song from Godspell in honor of all the theater chicks from high school I wanted to bone.

So we are left with Kristen Kreuk, and the theme song to the TV show on which she got '00s-semi-famous. Hey, could be worse. Could've been the actress who played Chloe, Allison Mack. If that crush was a thing, then it might've been requited after all. Of course, if Allison Mack had met me when I was thirteen, the hypothetical mutual crush probably would've ended up with me being sex trafficked. So yeah, in general, I'm cool with Kreuk being the target of this blog post. Just don't tell my mom, and don't tell any goddamn toy parrots, please.