Yearlong Song Challenge, Day 135: Zach

Prompt: "A song that literally mentions some type of spice"

Selected by Zach

"Whole Foods Parking Lot"

Fog and Smog

single, 2011

American Grocery Stores with at Least Two Branches That I've Personally Visited, Ranked:

29. Gristedes — Overpriced, produce sucks. 

28. Acme — Shit graphic design.

27. Morton Williams — If at first you don't succeed, just dust yourself off and fail again.

26. D'Agostino — Fancy exterior, offensive interior.

25. Food Emporium — All the NYC-only grocery stores are bad. They try to seem cool, but the fluorescent lighting is turned up beyond acceptable levels. Every time I'm in one, I receive a nose job I didn't want, by osmosis. Not that I'm opposed to making myself look good. Actually, I want to. Who wants to start painting their nails with me? I mean this.

24. Walmart — Good for the peanut butter and grape jelly selection, bad for your body.

23. ShopRite — ShopRite is actually pretty decent, but I have a vendetta against it for reasons I cannot explain.

22. Kroger — In Nashville recently and my brother gave me the choice of going to Publix or Kroger. Over and over he told me we should go to Publix, instead, since it's better. We went to Kroger anyways when we realized it was next to the biggest beverage store in Nashville. The entire dairy refrigerator in Kroger had gone out and I had to select my cottage cheese from inside the frozen desserts area. 

21. Aldi — Not as good as you want it to be.

20. QFC — Aggressive yellow beams assaulting my eyes. Too much rotisserie chicken.

19. Shoppers Food Warehouse — This is a walk through a hospital, not a food shopping experience.

18. Costco — Never been a member, not into the craze. Yeah it's cheap, you can buy a lot in bulk, I get it, I get it. But I don't own a minivan or have a garage or live in the suburbs even though in my wildest dreams I do perform all those mediocre acts.

17. Harris Teeter — A Johnny-Come-Lately that's trying to muscle out the grocery stores that have my heart.

16. Bravo — I added this one last because I forgot about it. But I bought good and inexpensive produce here more than once and it deserves a spot in the middle.

15. Whole Foods — The subject of today's song, which has a cayenne pepper reference and throws back to 2011. The early 2010s were more innocent, early Obama-era, a time when a cute video like this could thrive without being questioned and a show like Portlandia could make it. None of this would happen now. And yet, Whole Foods marches on. We all admit it's legitimately a good store. It has good food. Also, it's very expensive. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Everyone knows this! Everything that needs to be said about Whole Foods has already been said, and it's become a punching bag cliché, a dead end for humor. There's a demand for what it serves, and no other store can fill that demand quite like Whole Foods. That doesn't stop it from being a stony artifact dressed up in dark leafy green colors.

14. Giant — My most hometown grocery store. Unfortunately, it's too expensive and wannabe. You're not Whole Foods!

13. Stop & Shop — I wish I could put this higher, but there's always something off. The lighting is too aggressive, the produce is questionable, the aisles are too narrow, not enough checkout counters. I grovel for your forgiveness, you Quincy, Massachusetts-based minx.

12. Safeway — Not good, not bad, exactly where it belongs.

11. Kam Man Food — I had a good time buying dumpling wrappers here once.

10. Hannaford — I gasp in awe when I see the Hannaford sign rise above on a route like NY-30A in Gloversville, New York. An awesome cornucopia of fruits and vegetables and bakery selections lay before me. I drive on by, but not before contemplating my own existence, and its validity in the modern era.

9. Fairway — A place for New York City snobs. I want to hate it. However, to my chagrin, Fairway is pretty good.

8. Piggly Wiggly — Once I procured an entire frozen chicken from a Piggly Wiggly in Florida for free and served it to 31 other hungry cyclists. There was very little other food. They were deeply unhappy with me. I was happy with myself for procuring a free frozen chicken from Piggly Wiggly. There is also, shockingly, a Piggly Wiggly near the Illinois-Wisconsin border. This store's name alone wins it points and no one can deny that.

7. Wegmans — Wegmans is unquestionably great, but I wish it had just stayed in Rochester. The world can enjoy the beauty of Wegmans, but it was still fun for it to be my own little secret when I went to visit my grandfather/step-grandmother in their old house on Tarrytown Road in Brighton. There are actually lots of things about Rochester that I wish had stayed the same. I wish the Red Wings were still an Orioles Triple-A affiliate, instead of an affiliate of the putrid Washington Nationals. I wish Kodak Eastman hadn't been made irrelevant. I wish my brother had stayed at University of Rochester rather than transfer to UMD. I wish I had visited my grandmother's grave—but I don't even know exactly where she's buried in Rochester (I'll ask my dad). I wish I knew more about my grandmother, who died before I was born. My dad never talks about her. One day I'll visit Nate there and force him to go to all the old spots I vaguely remember: Congregation Beth Sholom, Cobbs Hill Reservoir, Twelve Corners and Malek's Bakery. And Greece and Chili, just because they have cool names. And to the cemetery where my grandmother is buried. I'll talk to her, a person I've never met.

6. Subzi Mandi Cash & Carry — A strip mall gem of Central New Jersey. Paneer by the kilo. Vegetables you won't find in your basic-ass stores. Quick and reliable checkout lines. Crunchy snacks that turn up the umami to unprecedented levels. One might test the "something green, something red, something fried, something bread" theory here and come out a winner.

5. Weavers Way Food Co-op — Oh, it's fun to pretend you don't like Weavers Way, is it? I know the truth! Once I won a bet with Nate; his punishment was to work one of my volunteer shifts at Weavers Way. He acted like he was mad. He wasn't. I think Sam is also a Weavers Way member these days. The virus always gets you. Weavers Way has also been the most socially fertile grocery store I've ever attended. I met K there after accidentally knocking into her with my basket; I gave her my business card; she wrote me an email with a subject line of "Don't Hit Me With Your Basket..." (note: an ellipsis is always a good sign in dating); we went on a first date on Fairmount Avenue to a nice restaurant followed by an outdoor movie in the neighborhood; on the next date she made me dinner; at some point we went on a date to Earth Bread & Brewery; now she has a girlfriend and lives in New Hampshire and is into rock climbing. I dated L, the Weavers Way bakery manager, but I won't say too much about that because I'm realizing it's fertile ground for a future YSC post. I once kissed R, the PRIOR Weavers Way bakery manager and my aunt's housemate, after an open mic at Earth Bread & Brewery; I took the kiss to mean we were official or something. R at first slowly and then very quickly made it clear that this was not the case! I think I made the right choice to romantically pursue bakery managers. The baked goods at Weavers Way are delicious, second only to the ones at High Point Cafe next door. The member discount made things not too insanely expensive. The GM liked me because I wrote articles about him. One day I will make a triumphant return.

4. Publix — The jewel of the South. High quality without compromising on cost or feel. A friendly and welcoming space. Publix fuckin' rules, as Zach Kanin might say in a sketch about a vaudeville toilet-humor master who shows up at bachelor parties past his prime.

3. H Mart — a Korean grocery store where you can purchase the cheapest tofu in the USA. I've checked. You can also sample many things. You can also become a member; you can also buy stuffed animals (I think?). The lighting should win awards. The parking lots are spacious. A dream, realized.

2. Trader Joe's — I make no apologies for being basic with this pick. All the reasons people like Trader Joe's are true. Hawaiian shirts, friendly staff, cute packaging, cheap (but shifty) prices (because is it actually cheap? no), the products you love that you can't find anywhere else (for me: plantain chips, chocolate covered almonds, flaxseed tortilla chips, and, in my childhood, the dearly departed Tempting Trail Mix). A must stop-in for me on any trip to the USA. 

1. Price Chopper — How could this be #1? MUFFINS. Price Chopper is #1 on the strength of its muffins alone. Just the right amount of sugar, just the right amount of firm but soft crunch that a muffin needs. I've never tasted a better muffin in my life. And I'm a muffin guy! Do yourself a favor, and take a trip to Connecticut, or New Hampshire, or Massachusetts or upstate New York or Vermont or to East Stroudsburg, PA, to one of the many Price Choppers that dot these states. Make your way to the bakery section. Select an assortment of muffins. I'm partial to blueberry or chocolate chip (otherworldly!), but the corn muffin is very special too, as is the bran. Bring them home for the entire family to enjoy. And you will understand. You, too, will make Price Chopper your can't miss, the top grocery store in the great land we call home.