The actual NCAA March Madness tournament has begun in earnest, and my brackets are already SHIT. I blame Villanova for not being in the tournament this year, and taking away a target for my hatred that burns bright and fuels my bracket genius, typically. Oh well. At least we have this fake blog-centered tournament to focus on this year. Yay.
Once again, thanks to all those who submitted their comments and suggestions and helped shape the results of this round of the tournament. Over 10,000 votes / death threats were received, all of which I've gone through meticulously, and then used to calculate who should advance into the later rounds of the tourney. Here are some of your thoughts and feedback:
Petey: "Really rooting for Iggy to pull off the upset this round. No offense to Connie, who makes some great music, but I miss Iggy sumtin fierce, and I miss those tavern pizzas he used to make on McNally's DJ night. Let's win this one for the Iggy!!!"
Fink: "If Jake Paul wins I'll kill myself."
Kailyn: "Your check bounced, can I have your credit card info? These cat pictures don't pay for themselves."
Lindy: "Oh god, if Guy Fieri doesn't make it to the Final Four my bookie's enforcer is gonna have my fingers broken, oh god."
Jimmy: "I have definitive proof that Demi Lovato is a Lizard Person, please stop making fun of her for that."
Van: "If I hate my wife as much as I hate this tournament, I just know that Van is going to lose in the next match-up."
Mike 'the Situation': "Ron-Ron and Sammie won't shut up, please end this."
Anonymous: "This is so fucking stupid bro what are you even doing, don't you have homework to do?"
Thanks to all those who voted! Here are the results:
Petey: "Really rooting for Iggy to pull off the upset this round. No offense to Connie, who makes some great music, but I miss Iggy sumtin fierce, and I miss those tavern pizzas he used to make on McNally's DJ night. Let's win this one for the Iggy!!!"
Fink: "If Jake Paul wins I'll kill myself."
Kailyn: "Your check bounced, can I have your credit card info? These cat pictures don't pay for themselves."
Lindy: "Oh god, if Guy Fieri doesn't make it to the Final Four my bookie's enforcer is gonna have my fingers broken, oh god."
Jimmy: "I have definitive proof that Demi Lovato is a Lizard Person, please stop making fun of her for that."
Van: "If I hate my wife as much as I hate this tournament, I just know that Van is going to lose in the next match-up."
Mike 'the Situation': "Ron-Ron and Sammie won't shut up, please end this."
Anonymous: "This is so fucking stupid bro what are you even doing, don't you have homework to do?"
Thanks to all those who voted! Here are the results:
And some highlights:
- It was neck-and-neck for a while, but Ron-Ron finally succumbed to this year's top dog, Andy from Lawndale. Looks like he has his eyes on the prize (so he can cash it in for a new pair of shoes).
- Life is kind, but genius is rarely rewarded: Melissa Peterman shreds Patrick Stickles' hopes and dreams of winning the bracket, Stickles is just glad that he wasn't called "Patrick Sickles" like he has been every single other goddamn time on this blog.
- A Cinderella Story is brewing! Cathy, a goddamn #11 seed, snatches the belt from #3 Van Montgomery in the second round! Don't underestimate the power of the Ack, you dumb stupid bitch Van!!!!!
- Sorry Joey L., you gotta take the L this time. Crosswalk Lady made a YouTube video and called you out in front of the whole fucking neighborhood!
- Charlie Watts quickly dispenses of Popcorn Guy / Rusty Rucker. The man didn't even flinch when he got a whole bucket of popcorn dumped on his read while fucking up the riff to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
- Family Circus Billy! Holy shit! The man legitimately pops up in the PoYB comment section, and now he won't leave! Take down Jordan Belfast!!!
- I had a long chat with ChatGPT. You remember it. You remember how fastidious it is about "not choosing sides" or "passing judgment" or whatever the fuck. It refused to tell me who should win in this round of the tournament, David Le'aupepe or Robot John Lennon, saying that "both artists have made legitimate and different contributions to the music world" and I'm like "bitch that's not what I mean" and so I had to literally assign Robot John Lennon the number 1 and David Le'aupepe the number 2 and I was like "okay which do you choose, 1 or 2," and it was like "2," and so here we are, despite the fact that Robot John Lennon is one of my favorite recurring bits on this blog. Bon voyage, ya dumb AI bitch.
- Fuck it, Vincent's Soccer Dog beats Dad.
- Dwyer didn't text me at 7:30 in the morning about the Joker video like he did after Round 1, so I guess Dwyer Joker is moving on. My b., I-block.
- Oof, this one is a kick in the large gut. Jake Paul has to advance over Fat Joe. Don't worry, Fat Joe, as the days move slowly on, and the calendar pages are torn off one by one, I find myself becoming just like you... in terms of fatness.
- IGGY!! YES!!! CONNIE CONVERSE!! NO!!!!! Maybe one day Connie will show up in real life. Iggy is gone forever, but via the bracket, he can LIVE. Let's gooooooo!!!!!!!
- Not sure what it's going to take to bring down Prom Kev, who's looking really good in that rented tux.
- I'd be worried if this was Post Malone vs. Spinner, but it's against Wheelchair Jimmy. C'mon. Easy win.
- I'm coming to grips with a lot of the mistakes I made while drunk. Ranking Buckethead's discography from worst to best is one of the mistakes that stands out in a lifetime of them. Pennypack Fish, be the symbol of my apology. Dispatch of this mistake. Continue on as the lowest seed on here.
- Demi says FVCK YOU to Bill Murray, then whispers something in his ear, but I can't hear what she said.
- George dances right into the pool underneath the gymnasium floor, our guy Guy advances by the skin of his nacho-dusted teeth.
Let's take a look at the match-ups in the Sweet Sixteen:
PoYB MARCH MADNESS
SWEET SIXTEEN
#1 Andy vs. #4 Melissa Peterman
Andy has improved this blog by giving us a symbol to rally around, a metaphor for an errant youth. Melissa Peterman has improved this blog by shouting us out, letting us know that we are real, even if her character on Reba isn't.
#11 Cathy vs. #7 Crosswalk Lady
Cathy has improved this blog by being a punchline easy enough for the audience in the back to understand. Crosswalk Lady has improved this blog by showing us humility, and forcing us to view the world in a kinder way.
#1 Charlie Watts vs. #5 Family Circus Billy
Charlie Watts has improved this blog by being a punching bag, because note that a punching bag is punched and punched and punched and keeps coming back to be punched again, and all that punching can make someone strong. Family Circus Billy has improved this blog by being punchable too.
#11 David Le'aupepe vs. #7 Vincent's Soccer Dog
David Le'aupepe has improved this blog by being there to say what I've always wanted to say to myself, but never before had the courage (or the ability to use an indie rock frontman as a puppet). Vincent's Soccer Dog has improved this blog by giving us ties to a corner of Philadelphia that this blog was originally founded on—I'm talking about Fox Chase / Rockledge, not Itaty Italy.
#1 Dwyer Joker vs. #4 Jake Paul
Dwyer Joker has improved this blog by introducing the chaos of having someone always willing to text you to complain about the blog. Jake Paul has improved this blog by showing me what NOT to do when it comes to blogging (or vlogging, whatever).
Iggy has improved this blog by making the figurative death of McNally's quite literal, and thus making the pain of its (their) loss all the more tangible and real and heart-wrenching. Prom Kev has improved this blog for many reasons, not the least of which is by appearing on a webisode on Cosmo.com in a tux.
#1 Post Malone vs. #13 Pennypack Fish
Post Malone has improved this blog by providing a constant reminder that there is a difference between artistic value and humanity. Pennypack Fish has improved this blog by reminding me that there is always room to improve, no matter how dire the outlook appears.
#3 Lizard Person Demi Lovato vs. #2 Guy Fieri
Lizard Person Demi Lovato has improved this blog by sparing us from a lizard person uprising that would result in millions of human deaths... sparing us for now. Guy Fieri has improved this blog by looking hot.
Quick turn-around!! Scroll down to find out the results of the Sweet Sixteen!!!!
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Here ya go:
Quickly! The highlights!
- Our first #1 seed has fallen!! Holy shit!! Andy has been with us since the very beginning, I didn't think he had a loss in him! Well, besides the fact that he spent his existence buying alcohol for underage kids for pocket change. Nah, let's keep Melissa Peterman around for a little longer, at least until we can find out what the mystery "project she's working on with Stephen Tobolowsky" is.
- Keep it moving, Cathy. An #11 seed in the Elite Eight. Wow. Five #11 seeds have made it to the Final Four in real life, so Cathy has a real shot. Better luck next time, Crosswalk Lady. Here are my parting words to you: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE OVER, because Cathy is on fire!!
- Charlie Watts. I mean, what can you say. Billy from Family Circus was just another little cartoon prick for the slaughter.
- Vincent's Soccer Dog is doing way better than any soccer-playing mutt has a right to. He easily dispatched David Le'aupepe. But next up is the Charlie Watts juggernaut. Let's hope that Vincent's Soccer Dog is able to smile, because his opponent can't. He never has and he never will.
- Dwyer Joker did it! He took down Jake Paul! Let's see that video again! Hell yeah!!!!!!
- Really tough match-up between real-life pals Iggy and Prom Kev. Prom Kev defeats Iggy pretty handily, but at least Kev will know about the funeral this time.
- Are you fucking KIDDING me?! This dinky fucking fish just whipped Post Malone?!?! Is there any that can stop this little fishy thing from making this the BEST SUMMER EVER?!?!?! R.I.P. Posty.
- See, you might question how or why Demi Lovato could beat Guy Fieri, who seemed pretty unstoppable for a while there. But stop and consider this: could it be that Guy Fieri lost because he does not think that he is a Lizard Person? Maybe?!
And now, the Elite Eight match-ups. Come back next week for the results!
PoYB MARCH MADNESS
ELITE EIGHT
#4 Melissa Peterman vs. #11 Cathy
I mean, one character I spent the entire summer theorizing about and obsessing over, and the other character was maybe mentioned in passing twice on this blog. Though who's to say who'll win, really.
#1 Charlie Watts vs. #7 Vincent's Soccer Dog
There wasn't enough appreciation these past few weeks on match-ups that consisted of two characters that I truly fucking despise. I hope Charlie Watts and Vincent's Soccer Dog beat each other into pulp.
#1 Dwyer Joker vs. #2 Prom Kev
Who is more embarrassed by their respective video? As someone who is also embarrassed by a viral video on this blog (sidenote: not including "Breakdown Joe" on this bracket because that would've been weird to include myself on the bracket, and impossible to judge with a conflict of interest), I can say that being reminded of something embarrassing you did when you were a teenager is FUCKING AWESOME.
#13 Pennypack Fish vs. #3 Lizard Person Demi Lovato
Let's state the obvious here: both sides of this match-up have scales.
COME BACK NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT THE WINNERS OF THESE MATCH-UPS AND MORE, I.E. NEXT WEEK WE'LL PROBABLY JUST WRAP THIS SHIT UP, DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT'S BEEN SO WILDLY SUCCESSFUL SO FAR!!!! COMMENT BELOW TO ADD YOUR TWO CENTS IN FOR THE FINAL TIME!!! WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!!
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