Sure, we all have our usual Christmas movies that we watch every year. Whether good or bad or transcendent, they are tradition. Still, take a look beyond that, and you might find the hundreds, thousands, millions of additional holiday film faire out there. Resist temptation. Stick with the classics. They are classics for a reason.
We tried out two new (to us) Christmas movies this year. Both were pretty bad. There's a rule, and this rule goes beyond holiday movies and applies to all movie-watching in general—if you've never heard of the movie, and it's streaming on one of the major streaming services, then it's a guaranteed piece of shit. There are no exceptions to this rule! If a movie is worth watching, then you will have heard of it, or it won't be on fucking Netflix, the garbage pail of streaming. Shame on me for not adhering to this golden rule during the holiday season.
The worse of the two was A Merry Friggin' Christmas, which has the unfortunate distinction of being a posthumous Robin Williams vehicle. In it, Robin Williams plays an alcoholic dad, and his now-grown children are coming home for Christmas, including protagonist Joel McHale. Terrible casting. Terrible! I know I gave Williams shit for doing the Robin Williams shtick in Good Morning, Vietnam, but doing the opposite is even worse. The man strains to play depressed, drunk, pathetic, and angry. McHale is so fucking bad too, but probably because Jeff Winger ruined this actor. He'll never be able to play the sincere straight-man role for the rest of his life. Who is going to take him seriously?
The other one, A Bad Moms Christmas, was a lot better, but still frustrating and not worth your time (and I'm saying that totally ignoring the fact that I have never seen Bad Moms, so take it with a grain of salt I guess). This movie was almost 90% consisting of slow-motion montages that were designed to ask the question: "Aren't these moms baaaaaaaad?" Like slow motion of Mila Kunis throwing a dodgeball and hitting her own mom in the crotch, or Kristen Bell giving Santa a lapdance, that kinda thing. Unlike Friggin' Christmas, I laughed at more than like five jokes. But I dunno, it still felt strained.
The thing that both films had in common was what Christmas-y theme they had in common. Because a holiday film is supposed to say something, right? That's the crucial element that makes it a holiday film, as we learned from Die Hard. Friggin' Christmas and Bad Moms Christmas both had something to say on the subject of the importance of family during the holidays, specifically one's parents, specifically regarding bad parents.
Robin Williams portrayed a terrible father, and Christine Baranski, Cheryl Hines, and Susan Sarandon all played absolutely awful mothers (technically the mothers of the titular bad moms). And yet both films seemed to say: Christmas is a time to forgive. Even though none of the four parents between the two movies did a single redeemable thing the entire combined length of both films. Bad Moms even had a therapist character (played by Wanda Sikes) make an argument that moms are "crazy" specifically because they have babies, and that this means when those babies grow up, they have to be more forgiving of their moms. No! Awful argument! Parents are supposed to strive to be good parents no matter how many times they get pooped on and barfed on!
Robin Williams portrayed a terrible father, and Christine Baranski, Cheryl Hines, and Susan Sarandon all played absolutely awful mothers (technically the mothers of the titular bad moms). And yet both films seemed to say: Christmas is a time to forgive. Even though none of the four parents between the two movies did a single redeemable thing the entire combined length of both films. Bad Moms even had a therapist character (played by Wanda Sikes) make an argument that moms are "crazy" specifically because they have babies, and that this means when those babies grow up, they have to be more forgiving of their moms. No! Awful argument! Parents are supposed to strive to be good parents no matter how many times they get pooped on and barfed on!
I know, I know... I'm being a hypocrite here. Not about the parenting thing, about the Love Actually thing. I made the argument the other day that if a movie has something to say about a particular subject, if it at least starts a conversation, no matter how poorly that subject is portrayed via the film in question, then that film can't be dismissed. And yet here I am, attempting to dismiss two holiday films because I don't think they did a good job with their Christmas message.
Well here's another Christmas message for you: I can say whatever I want, and if I want to talk down on two dogshit Christmas movies, then you're gonna have to live with that. Add me to the naughty list if you must, just don't make me watch another Netflix Christmas movie ever again.
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