Here is an incomplete list of the worst shit the parents in this household suffered through in 2022.
Steve and Maggie
I guess a question that I usually get around to asking about all children's entertainment is: did the main star of this entertainment actually create the entertainment, or were they a hired hand? With the YouTube series Steve and Maggie, there is no question whatsoever that it is the former. No sane producer on earth would hire someone as talentless and soul-suckingly lacking in charisma as Steve. He is that rare modern Brit who could make Peppa Pig look entertaining. Fuck Steve and his goddamn crow.
Fancy Nancy
The only bad part about this otherwise harmless, cheaply-produced kids' show on Disney is that its main protagonist is a whiny little bitch. Hey kids, you wanna learn how to survive in modern suburbia as a six-year-old? Act French and complain to your parents about everything.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Yes, yes, we get it, everything that is old must become new again, and that sucks for everyone except the suits who are profiting off it. There are a myriad of reasons why Beauty and the Beast shouldn't have been remade as a live-action film, and I could tell you about them all, if you want. But here's just one: there's a snarky, unnecessary meta-humor undercurrent that runs through this film that sullies the innocence of the original craft. Like, Lefou is supposed to be a dumb sycophant, right? But in Josh Gad's plumpy hands, he's this snarky little shit who seems like he's aware that he's a character in a movie. It ruins the magic. (Plus the queerbating that I fucking hate in Disney movies... but I promised you that I'd only talk about one thing I hate.)
Some fucking YouTube Play-doh bullshit
The YouTube algorithm always ends up here: a silent man, squishing Play-doh, to the incoherent sounds of circus music. Imagine a three-year-old at 4 AM waking up and croakily shouting for "some-tin on yoo toob!!!" and this is where you land.
Into the Woods
Look, this shit sucks, but mainly because Into the Woods has always sucked. I get it. I was in this play. I know it sucks. It sucked long before they adapted it into a major motion picture film. It sucked before they cut the character that I played in the La Salle theater production (Cinderella's father, obviously integral the story). It sucked before they cast the interminably punchable James Corden as the goddamn main character, as the husband and thus the sexual partner of goddamn Emily Blunt, no less. And it sucked before my kids watched nothing but it for two weeks straight. But before that last part, it sucked in the background of my life and in the annals of my own shameful theater history. Having to watch James Corden try to impregnate Emily Blunt on my television screen in 2022 brought that shame to the forefront.
Home
You wanna know something crazy? I didn't think it was possible, but the 2015 children's cartoon movie Home proved that it was—there is an actor who is worse than Jim Parsons. Don't get me wrong, Parsons is absolutely unbearable as a grammatically-challenged alien. And no! It's not Steve Martin, who proves in Home that he still has it, that "it" being the ability to suck everything funny out of a room. Surprisingly, the worst voice actor in this film, and probably the worst voice actor in this history of the medium, reveals herself to be Rihanna, who is just so earth-shatteringly terrible at reading every single line tasked to her that it kind of makes sense why she still has never followed up on her 2016 blockbuster ANTI—the shame of Home is just too large to overcome.
Koo Koo Kanga Roo
These motherfuckers. These smug fucking assholes. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 2006, when I was deciding where to go for college, and instead of choosing La Salle, I'd choose Saint Mary's University of Minnesota, where I'd live in the same dorm as Bryan Atchison and Neil Olstad, and I'd spend every waking moment trying to get one of them expelled from school, so that they'd never meet, and never bond over the Beastie Boys, and never fail as an adult musical duo, and never pivot to children's entertainment, and never write a song about farting, and never show up on my TV in 2022 singing that song about farting, and I'd just be investing my time and energy into something worthwhile, ya know, because sure, I'd have to see these assholes' smug, punchable faces for a little bit in 2007 and 2008, but I'd never have to see them again, especially not on my TV, especially not in any sort of children's entertainment celebrity role, especially not singing songs about farting to my children, who are especially susceptible to songs about farting at this age. FUCK Koo Koo Kanga Roo.
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