A Christmas Album, Joe

I am familiar with A Christmas Album. We listen to it every year. And I'll tell you exactly what happens every single fucking year when I hear this fucker start.

The first song plays. It's "Jingle Bells." Babs goes fucking BONKERS on the track. She runs in triple-time and really pulls out all the stops. It's thrilling. So, my first thought, every time A Christmas Album is played during Christmastime: "Holy shit, this album is going to be amazing!"

The second song plays. It's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." This one is slow. Goddamn it. Really slow. Really boring. Streisand is a great singer, and she really stretches those pipes. A little too much, if you ask me. There's nothing to this song besides the voice. And so my second thought, every time A Christmas Album is played during Christmastime: "Holy shit, this is terrible. I really hope it picks up."

Unfortunately, dear reader, it never does. "Jingle Bells" soars at the beginning, but then that's it. It slows down, and it never fucking recovers. I cannot think of another album that takes such a steep, extraordinary drop after the very first track like this one. It's insane! The bait and switch absolutely destroys me every fucking year. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand to listen to this album. I hate it.

Listen to "My Favorite Things." It's wild how hard Streisand works at stretching out some of these lines. An absolutely ridiculous line like "Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels" sounds even worse in her hands, when it becomes: "Cream....colored ponies. And. Crisp............ apple............. strudels." It's fucking painful. Let me never hear any vibrato at Christmastime ever again.

My only hope is that this is all a bit. Perhaps our Funny Girl is purposefully destroying the Christmas standards. That's fine with me! I don't need them, honestly! If Barbra Streisand killed Christmas music and replaced it with Hanukkah music, then I think maybe the world would be a better place. And if she came out and admitted that this album was purposefully bad, then I think the bit would be worth it. It's the only way that any of this would make sense. As it stands now... not good.

You can add her version of "Jingle Bells" to your holiday playlist, though, if you want.

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5