A Very Darren Crissmas, Joe

Fucking who? Some fucking asshole theater kid who thinks he's hot shit? Wasn't this fucker ever told that for male theater kids, the more talented you are, the more ostracized you become? We get it, bro, you're talented, but this is just some college theater group, we're here to make friends and drink beers and make out at the cast party. What the hell are you even doing?

Darren Criss is nothing but a punk ass bitch who happens to have a surname that you can pun with Christmas. That's it. Fucking Glee motherfucker. You can tell he's trying to be "mature" and "adult" by covering Frank Sinatra right off the bat. Tough luck, bucko. You're not an "old soul." You're a little tiny fucking boy. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"?! Go sit at the kids' table, you fucking child.

You honestly thought you were Frank Sinatra? Fuck outta here. Rat Pack. More like Wat Pack. As in "Wat the fuck try-hard theater-kid bullshit am I listened to right now?" I hate this. Talentless jerkoff. I know plenty of dudes from the Masque who could sing better than this. And that was a D-III extracurricular program. How is Darren Criss a guy who "made it"? Why him? I'll tell you why: because daddy was an investment banker. That's the only reason any of these fucking jabronis ever have the opportunity to make it big. Money.

Far be it from me to try to separate capitalism from Christmas, as the two are irrevocably intertwined. I'm just saying that, even if it's true, then it still pisses me off. If I need to let off a little steam by scapegoating Darren Criss—whoever the fuck that is—then I'm going to do it.

This motherfucker tries to turn "River" into a big pop number. I don't even think "River" is a Christmas song, and that pisses even me off.

I know I said that everyone can make a Christmas album. Everyone can, but not everyone should. Some fucking C-list Glee shitheel should not. Some asshole named Darren Criss, who is semi-famous for reasons that I still don't understand, should not make a Christmas album. And yet he has. He has made a Christmas album, and has inserted his own last name into the title of that Christmas album. He insists that "Criss" is an essential element of "Christmas," and he is mistaken.

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5