This is the final thing I ever wrote for the Collegian, and I have to imagine it is the final thing I ever copy from the Collegian and paste onto Puke on Your Birthday (we are at the bottom of that particular barrel, but I keep scraping because COVID is cutting into my blogging time). It serves as a nice follow-up to the Commencement speaker interview I posted a few weeks ago. It also serves as a nice reminder that my conflicted feelings about my alma mater will probably never go away, even after La Salle inevitably closes (sometime in the 2020s, I'd put money on it).
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4/21/11
I did not write a commencement speech, much to the chagrin of my parents and girlfriend. They have been hounding me since approximately freshman movie-in day to try out for commencement speaker. I let them down, but they should rest assured that I have some pretty solid reasons for not trying out (besides the fact that I promised I would write a speech in Kicks).
First of all, when I give speeches, I am typically neither eloquent nor profound. I also drop the F-bomb a good amount. That limitation is killing me even now (just give me the go, new Editor-in-Chief!).
Secondly, my reputation here at La Salle impedes me from getting honored in any sort of way. This reputation may or may not be earned, but regardless, it exists. You can be pretty damn sure that La Salle doesn't want someone like me up on that stage, representing the school. More on this later.
Third, the commencement speaker usually has to take it upon him or herself to say, basically, why La Salle is such a wonderful institution, while ignoring its flaws. I just can't do this. I will never, ever say that La Salle is perfect. My feelings about La Salle are mixed and confused, and it took me a while to figure out how to express these feelings in word.
We affirmed on Day One that "in all my actions, I am La Salle." Four years later, I'm still not quite sure what this means. What does it mean to be Lasallian? After four years, were my actions really defined as "Lasallian"? After four years, do I even want to be Lasallian?
Because, a lot of times, La Salle has made me pretty miserable. I'll come right out and say that a lot of it had to do with the aforementioned reputation that I have (or am so paranoid as to think that I have), and how that reputation was earned.
If anyone has more write-ups than me and has survived until graduation, let me know. This is not something I'm proud of. A lot of them were plainly mistakes that I made. Some of these mistakes were obviously wrong of me, and for those, I apologize. I truly do.
However, some were petty, and some were out of others' spite, and it's these incidents that still make me queasy when I think of things like Community Development.
At the beginning of 2010, I was seen by an RC while drinking a single beer. I was 21, I was not drunk or even tipsy, and the small gathering was not loud, nowhere near warranting a noise complaint. The RC was there by chance, I was written up for my being in the presence of underage drinkers... and the next morning, I received an email from an authority figure telling me that I should drop out of La Salle, and the sooner the better.
Obviously, I'm still here, so maybe this has more to do with my inability to let go of a grudge. Still, though, that really hurt, that La Salle was so willing to throw me out like a piece of trash. It hurt and it still hurts that I am more often defined by a beer can than by good grades, leadership in and dedication to extracurriculars, and generally being an okay guy (I hope). No. I'm the school pariah. A kid who, as one important administrator at La Salle so lovingly described it, "has a lot of problems."
So when it comes time to sign up for a travel study to Ireland, La Salle lets me sign up, takes $1,500 from me, and then kicks me off the trip. So when it comes to apply for a job at La Salle, I apply, only to have someone tell the employer not to hire me because I'm "bad news." So, when it comes time to choose students to be on the court as Homecoming King nominees, and only three guys apply, and for some reason only TWO guys are chosen to be on the court, guess who's the sucker who was not chosen?
That's embarrassing for me. What this tells me, or what it feels like at least, is that La Salle would rather have no one than have me. It's a depressing feeling to have.
Okay, alright, so I'm coming off as a bitter jackass right now. I know. People at this point are rolling their eyes. "Here goes Joe again, never admitting that it was mostly his fault that all this happened."
Duh! You're right to think that! I am bitter and, yes, I'm so, so wrong for being like this.
I've been wrong all along.
It's probably the reason I have such weird feelings about my time here at La Salle. I started out a young, naive freshman, and since then I've done a lot of awful things, and I've made a lot of missteps. I'm self-aware enough to realize this.
Rest assured, I'm doing my best to change, to do better, and to learn from my past. The reason I ever had an ill-will toward my school is that La Salle forced my hand and made me change, and that change was hard to swallow.
It's time to admit, however, that this change was good. Though sometimes it went about it the wrong way, La Salle showed me how full of sh*t I was for a lot of my time here. I was immature.
It's tough admitting I was wrong in my actions, but admit it I shall, and consequently, I think some apologies are in order. To all those who in contact with me in a disciplinary sense—RCs, Community Development in general, Associate Dean of Students—I'm sorry. I know you were just doing your jobs. I hope you know that I'm trying to do better. I really am.
But hey, let's not let La Salle off the hook so quickly! My personal issues aside, La Salle isn't perfect by any means. One of the reasons I've loved writing for Kicks is that it has given me an outlet in which to poke fun at my university's flaws. And poke fun I did.
It's embarrassing sometimes how inferior La Salle is sometimes as compared to other schools. Page through Kicks or CAKE on any given week (or glance at @NotLaSalle on Twitter) to see some specific examples. It's no surprise why some people throw in the towel and go home every weekend.
Be that as it may, I was thinking recently about how half-assed La Salle is, and it occurred to me that this is actually La Salle's greatest asset.
Think about it. Had this been a more prestigious university, would I be the lead drummer in the Jazz Band? Absolutely not—I'm not that good at playing the drums. Would I have gotten parts in any of the school plays? No freaking way. Would I be given a full page of the school newspaper to do literally whatever I want? Haha, yeah right.
No, here at La Salle, our stars burn brighter because we are surrounded by mediocrity.
Let me emphasize that this is ultimately a good thing. We can actually feel like we have a purpose here. At any other school, one that's big and fancy, we'd be lost in a crowd.
Yet another positive thing about La Salle being a sub-par institution is that we can all relate to how unexceptional La Salle is. In fact, we sometimes take a perverse sense of pride in it.
Take, for instance, how easy it is to make fun of the basketball team. Year after year, they fall short of expectations, and we students have no qualms with constantly moaning about it. However, if someone from St. Joe's came over and made fun of the team, think about how quickly everyone would jump to defend the team. They can be an awful team, but they are OUR awful team.
Consider that a metaphor for La Salle as a whole. This school is a half-assed school, but it's OUR half-assed school.
Listen, though—I know I am painting too broad of a picture here. I'll stick by my assertion that La Salle as an institution just isn't that great, but I would be mistaken if I didn't say that coming to school here was a beneficial experience. It truly was. That's because of the people. There are a great number of amazing people here really doing a great job.
I've met a lot of incredible people here at this old school. Lifelong friendships were formed, as the cliché goes. That's something I don't want to skim over or ignore.
Yes, I had my rough times at school, and yes, I had some growing up to do, and yes, I shake my head at how middling La Salle can be, but ultimately my experience here at La Salle was a positive one because of the people who surround me.
Thanks, then, need to go out to a few people. Thanks to those who shared my extracirriculars with me, for giving me the opportunity to enjoy myself while doing it (the Collegian especially, without whom I would not be writing this speech). Thanks to all those who put up with me in all my different living situations. I know I was a pain sometimes, but I think that made our friendships stronger.
Thanks to all those benevolent authority figures to whom I could go to seek counsel or advice—my favorite alcohol counselor in McShain especially. Thanks to my professors for pretty much giving me a diploma I may or may not have worked hard to earn.
Thanks, finally, to all the friends I made. Thanks for hanging out with me on a boring Friday night and making my time bearable—nay, fun—here at college.
It's true. Despite my misgivings I may have had about my college experience and the school I spent it at, I'll be looking back fondly over the past four years. I'm going to miss La Salle.
I always thought that I'd be leaving with two middle fingers in the air. Instead, I'll be leaving humbled, content, and with a heavy heart.
I joke often about how I don't even want to think about graduation. It's just a joke, though. I think I'm ready. With a supporting family, a group of loyal friends, and a girlfriend whom I love by my side, how hard can the real world really be?
Thanks for taking this journey with me, humble reader.
Love, Always,
Joe K***
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