Grannies Gone Wild #113

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 103 times so far this summer, and will only watch it one more time this summer. Watch the episode HERE. You can also read every single Grannies Gone Wild entry in the archives HERE.

 

The following is a transcript of a confidential conversation that occurred at FBI headquarters between court reporter Eloise Harris and FBI agent Melody Fierstein. It was not intended for release.

 

FBI AGENT MELODY FIERSTEIN: Good morning, Ms. Harris.

 

ELOISE HARRIS: Hi.

 

FIERSTEIN: Do you have any idea why you're here today?

 

ELOISE: Honestly, I... I have no idea.

 

FIERSTEIN: Think, Ms. Harris, think. And think wisely, because you're currently being recorded. But you would know all about that, wouldn't you.

 

ELOISE: I... Sure, yes. I'm a court reporter and stenographer. I know how it works.

 

FIERSTEIN: So you know that everything you say here is under oath?

 

ELOISE: If you say so.

 

FIERSTEIN: And has anything happened recently in court that may require your testimony here at the FBI?

 

ELOISE: The only thing I can think of is the gnome trial.

 

FIERSTEIN: Ah yes, the infamous Houston Gnome Trial. And you were the stenographer for that trial, yes?

 

ELOISE: Yes. You can see me typing away next to the judge's stand if you review the footage.

 

FIERSTEIN: We can talk about the trial, and we will soon, but I wanted to first ask about something else that happened in the courtroom a few days after the trial. November 14th, to be exact. Do you remember any court activity that day, Ms. Harris?

 

ELOISE: Sure. Okay, yes. Now this makes sense. Yes. This is when Judge Tobolowsky called a special session.

 

FIERSTEIN: Anything peculiar about that court session, Ms. Harris?

 

ELOISE: Well, it was only me and the Judge.

 

FIERSTEIN: Anyone else?

 

ELOISE: A homeless man.

 

FIERSTEIN: Had you seen this homeless man before? 

 

ELOISE: Yes. He usually sleeps in a cardboard box just on the other side of the courthouse. The lawyers call him "Joe." I assume that's his real name. He's always yelling about egg whites and Errol Flynn, random stuff like that. I keep my distance.

 

FIERSTEIN: Had you any idea why this "Joe" was called into the courtroom that day? On a day when no one else was in the courtroom beside you and the Judge?

 

ELOISE: No, I didn't.

 

FIERSTEIN: But you have the transcript with you now.

 

ELOISE: Yeah, like I said, I am the court stenographer. That's why I was asked to be there. To make things official and to put them on the record.

 

FIERSTEIN: We have a copy of your transcription from that day, Ms. Harris, and I wondering if you could read a little bit from it.

 

ELOISE: Oh, you have a copy?

 

FIERSTEIN: We're the FBI.

 

ELOISE: That's convenient.

 

FIERSTEIN: Please start from the beginning, Ms. Harris.

 

ELOISE: Well, okay, Judge Stephen Tobolowsky—actually, is it okay if I just call him JST from now on? That's a lot of syllables if I'm going to repeating it a lot.

 

FIERSTEIN: Allowed.

 

ELOISE: Okay, so JST is sitting there silently, and I have here that Joe enters the courtroom, and JST says, "Good morning, Mr. K***," and Joe says "Why am I here? How did I get here? Who are you?" and JST says "All will be revealed in due time, Mr. K***." Joe sits down in the defendant's chair. JST says, "Mr. K***—may I call you Joe?" and Joe says "Okay but I'm still confused" and JST says "I brought you here for crimes against humanity, Joe, and I felt that the crimes were so heinous that it was not appropriate to have witnesses present," and Joe says, "I didn't steal a gnome, I swear!" because you see, gnome theft is illegal in Texas and if you're caught—

 

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, I am well aware of Texas law, thank you. Please continue.

ELOISE: Right. Joe says "Okay but if I'm not on trial for gnome theft then what am I on trial for?" and JST says "For crimes against humanity and against good taste" and then he adds "Joe, we've read the blog."

FIERSTEIN: And what was Mr. K***'s reaction to that?

ELOISE: Well, he got all sheepish. He looked guilty, basically, like you could tell he knew he did something wrong.

FIERSTEIN: Why would he look guilty?

ELOISE: I don't know. I was just taking down the transcript. Like I said, I don't know this guy.

FIERSTEIN: But the judge mentioned something about a blog?

ELOISE: Yes.

FIERSTEIN: Have you read the blog?

ELOISE: Ma'am, I don't think anyone reads the blog in question.

FIERSTEIN: But clearly Judge Stephen Tobolowsky did.

ELOISE: Sure. He says "I've just read 112 blog posts about a Houston family and their lovably wacky exploits," and Joe says "It was a long summer, I'm sorry," and JST says "Do you know how much damage you've caused? All the time wasted that could have been better spent elsewhere? In the 200 hours you've spent consuming and writing about a silly TV show episode, you've could have been solving world hunger!" and he... well, he goes on like this for quite a while.

FIERSTEIN: Skip ahead. You can read Joe's reaction.

ELOISE: Okay. And I'll admit, I don't really understand what he's talking about here. Anyways, he says, "But you haven't read the last one yet," and JST says "You are going to write another blog post about this show? In my courtroom?" and Joe says "Yes, I was going to write about the line 'Well I have important work to do, so I'm storming off.'" What is he talking about here...?

FIERSTEIN: Come on, Ms. Harris, we don't have all day.

ELOISE: Sorry. Alright, so Joe continues on and says "You see, Cheyenne"—who the heck is Cheyenne?—"is calling her volunteer work with Florence, Ida, Lady, and Lady 'important' work. We can argue the legitimacy of that statement, but let's be real, dressing up senior citizens in wigs isn't the most important work in the world. But the crucial thing to remember here is that it's important to Cheyenne. She finds value in her work. That's what matters. And so, your honor, I understand where you are coming from, that you find my work to be a gigantic waste of time, and maybe it is. But I find value in it. Me. I think this is important work. Even though, sure, it's probably not."

FIERSTEIN: What do you think of this, Ms. Harris?

ELOISE: I sincerely don't know what to think.

FIERSTEIN: Don't you understand what this means?

ELOISE: I don't know.

FIERSTEIN: It means that this man, this Joe K***, has been writing about us! Me and you and Judge Stephen Tobolowsky and the jurors and the citizens of this county! All of his! He's saying that we are currently living in a simulation! He's claiming himself to be god! And if he is god, and he really did create all this, then that means he can destroy it too! No man should have this power, Ms. Harris. No one. Go ahead and read JST's sentencing.

ELOISE: He... he... oh gosh, he said... no, he yelled, "Joseph K***, I sentence you to death!"

FIERSTEIN: How do you feel about this sentencing?

ELOISE: It's not my place to say. I'm just the court reporter, that's all.

FIERSTEIN: Do you feel that Judge Stephen Tobolowsky is a fair judge, Ms. Harris?

ELOISE: He seemed okay. At least much better than your typical character-actor-turned-judge. I would have never thought that he'd be a good judge based on his work in Groundhog Day. But he seems competent. 

FIERSTEIN: Do you feel like it was fair to remove Barbara Jean Hart from the courtroom on November 11th, before the gnome trial?

ELOISE: You mean that White Thunder lady? Yeah, I mean, she was causing a disturbance.

FIERSTEIN: A disturbance worse than, I don't know, an actual garden gnome with a voicebox?

ELOISE: It did seem a little weird that the gnome got to stay and yell about mortadella and prosciutto. What was that about?

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, I'm going to tell you something now, but I'm expecting complete confidentiality here.

ELOISE: I don't think anyone would believe me about this even if I did say anything.

FIERSTEIN: Still, I need you to tell me that you understand that there will be consequences if you say anything.

ELOISE: Okay, fine.

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, can you tell me anything else about any of the other jurors for that gnome trial?

ELOISE: Well, after the blonde lady was removed, she was replaced by another young woman. And of course, there was the guy in the green sweater who had like a panic attack or something and was carted out by an ambulance. Behind him was... now wait. I'm looking down the back row in my mind. Is it... are you...?

FIERSTEIN: Finally getting it, Ms. Harris?

ELOISE: Wait... were you one of the jurors?

FIERSTEIN: Bingo.

ELOISE: But why? What are you doing here? Who are you?

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, my name, as I said at the beginning, is FBI Special Agent Melody Fierstein. I work undercover in various roles, wherever the FBI needs to me to go.

ELOISE: And you were impersonating a juror?

FIERSTEIN: Yes.

ELOISE: But that man was sentenced to death! Pat Bullard! It's been all over the news for weeks! They think he's innocent!

FIERSTEIN: He's innocent of garden gnome theft. But he's not innocent.

ELOISE: What did he do?

FIERSTEIN: I can't reveal that information at this time.

ELOISE: So you're saying it was a setup?

FIERSTEIN: I'm saying that the man needed to be punished for his crimes, and this was the only way to do it.

ELOISE: Make him a patsy?

FIERSTEIN: I suppose you could say that.

ELOISE: So it was just you? Was anyone else working uncover? Was the blonde lady?

FIERSTEIN: Well, no. Funny story, though. She was the one who actually stole the garden gnome.

ELOISE: What?!

FIERSTEIN: Yeah. She has no idea that Pat Bullard was convicted for the crime that she committed. And she has no idea that she was briefly on the jury that was going to convict him. We actually had to stop the Texas Department of Justice from dropping charges on her. She was in too deep by that point—by total coincidence and without her even knowing, but still, way too deep. It was better to use her position to leverage the crime onto Pat Bullard.

ELOISE: So what, you were working solo then? Or was the gnome an FBI agent too?!

FIERSTEIN: No, no, that's silly. Come on now. No, there was actually another agent on the jury, but it took some finagling to get there. Ms. Harris, do you recognize this man? [Holds up a picture.]

ELOISE: Yes, that's one of the juror's too.

FIERSTEIN: That's actually FBI Special Agent Liam Boone.

ELOISE: He was the man that replaced the guy who had a panic attack!

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, do you really believe it was a panic attack, still, after all I've told you?

ELOISE: Are you admitting to... poisoning the man?!?!

FIERSTEIN: I'm admitting to nothing. I'm just saying that getting Pat Bullard's capital punishment on the books was of the highest priority to the Bureau, and we did what we had to do to make it happen.

ELOISE: This was all a scam, then. This wasn't actually a trial.

FIERSTEIN: As far as anyone else is concerned, it was a real trial with real consequences. Even the judge thought so.

ELOISE: But it wasn't actually real, is what you are now telling me.

FIERSTEIN: Ms. Harris, we thought it would be more obvious than that. The trial took place on November 11th. Veterans Day. Have you ever heard of a courtroom being open on a federal holiday?

ELOISE: I've never thought about that. Oh god.

FIERSTEIN: Okay then.

ELOISE: What I don't understand is why you are telling me all this now.

FIERSTEIN: That's the thing, Ms. Harris. Yes, all this about Pat Bullard and garden gnomes and blonde women getting dragged out by the Bailiff and capital punishment, it's all serious business, but there's actually something more important that any of that. There is something that the FBI is struggling with comprehending, and that is why we need your help. Because you were there for both the garden gnome trial and the follow-up private trial with the homeless man. Ms. Harris... what can you tell me about... this? [She places a piece of paper on in front of Eloise.]

ELOISE: This appears to be a blog post.

FIERSTEIN: What is the blog post about?

ELOISE: Um... it's about an old man named "Dickie" who tries to sexually assault some female senior citizens at River Oaks Senior Center. And also his girlfriend named Mrs. Fierstein? That's pretty much it...

FIERSTEIN: Do you recognize the old woman's surname?

ELOISE: Why, that's your surname as well.

FIERSTEIN: That's right. And did you know that I really do have a grandmother who lives at River Oaks Senior Center? And that she really does have an on-again, off-again beau named "Dickie"? And that she does in fact take care of the large potted plant that she houses in the rec room, because it reminds her of my deceased grandfather, Ricky, who loved gardening?

ELOISE: Are you saying that whoever wrote this is spying on your grandma or something?

FIERSTEIN: Not even that. I'm saying that he knows EVERYTHING.

ELOISE: Everything?

FIERSTEIN: He knows that breakfast was sneezed on. He knows that there is a sweater-vested man who says "Durh?!" He knows that that same man abuses children with thermometers. He knows that the blonde lady likes Law & Order. He knows that the seniors at River Oaks Senior Center are playing a Bingo variation called "Schmingo." He knows that there was an Amber Alert at the time for a child kidnapped and being driven through Utah. He knows the history of Jujyfruit. He knows Mother Teresa never wore lipgloss. He knows about AA and the hurricane and about peanut butter bread and blue pajamas and about dropping dead from a heart attack on your 80th birthday. He knows everything because he... well, that's what we need you for, Ms. Harris.

ELOISE: Me?

FIERSTEIN: Yes. You were the only other person there when Judge Stephen Tobolowsky condemned him. This Joe K***. We don't have the transcript. We need to know the truth. What happened in that courtroom. Do you have the transcript?

ELOISE: Let me look in my briefcase here.

FIERSTEIN: Take your time.

ELOISE: Yes... yes, here it is. The transcript from the November 14th courtroom session, in which Joe K*** was condemned to death for the high crime of wasting everyone's time.

FIERSTEIN: Can you read to me what it says?

ELOISE: If you insist.

FIERSTEIN: I do.

ELOISE: Joe said, "I'm going to miss you."

FIERSTEIN: Is that it?

ELOISE: That's it.

FIERSTEIN: He's going to miss who?

ELOISE: You know, I thought for a long time that when he said that, he meant his family. Like he was speaking to his loved ones for the last time for something. But I think now, after hearing everything you told me, I think he was saying that he will miss... us.

FIERSTEIN: Us?

ELOISE: Yeah. Me and you. The rest of the jury gang. Your grandma. Dickie. The blonde lady and her family. Everyone we've ever known, or touched in some way, or played guitar with while yelling about being a survivor. He was talking about all of us.

FIERSTEIN: But don't you see? If this is true, then that means that he was right this entire time. This means that we are just figments of his imagination. And that means that when we stop talking, we will be snapped out of existence. This is what the Bureau is trying to prevent by bringing you here.

ELOISE: I think I've accepted my fate, Agent Fierstein.

FIERSTEIN: Excuse me?

ELOISE: I have. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. Before today, I was just a background player at best. Just some nondescript extra, typing away on a steno machine, never saying anything or looking at anything or being anyone of note. A figurant, a ghost, a specter. But now, now that you've showed me the blog posts, all 112, it's clear that I am alive. I am real. This conversation with you, Agent Fierstein, has given me life. I exist. I didn't before, and now I do. And that makes all the difference. I can see what you're saying about being murdered by the blogger, but I don't think it's true. Our words will live on. I will live on, in these words that I am currently speaking. They won't go away, as long as there is enough electricity in this country to keep the power grid running, and keep the blogging infrastructure holds strong. As long as society itself doesn't collapse, then I will live.

FIERSTEIN: You sound optimistic.

ELOISE: This isn't optimism. This is realism. And you want to know why I'm able to be realistic?

FIERSTEIN: Sure. This can't get any worse.

ELOISE: I'm able to be realistic because Joe is typing the words that are coming out of my mouth. Right now. He is speaking the truth through me, in a fake transcript that he is currently writing, after a long day of drinking pumpkin ales at his parents' pool. And it's pretty clear to me, Agent Fierstein, that anything he types comes true in our world, that it is because he is writing it that it becomes true in the first place.

FIERSTEIN: This is what I was afraid of. That the world would start to crumble around me, and that I would lose agency to hold it together. That my every word and action is being controlled by a man I'll never meet. I mean, looking back, I guess I always knew that Joe K*** held the reins. When my number was called during "jury duty," ya know, when I was undercover for that historic garden gnome trial, I could feel it then too, being judged, being observed.

ELOISE: I mean, you are hot.

FIERSTEIN: So are you!

ELOISE: Thanks, but I'm just saying that there's more to it than this. I'm not saying "judged" as in hotness, I'm saying "judged" as in feeling worthy of my story being told. Right? Had this so-called blog thing not come around, then we wouldn't exist at all except in the minds of anyone who has seen Reba. 

FIERSTEIN: Oh gosh, he's drunk now.

ELOISE: Joe?

FIERSTEIN: Yeah, I can feel it. Honestly, at this point he probably doesn't even remember who is speaking the words he is currently typing. He'll have to count backwards through the paragraphs.

ELOISE: I'm Eloise Harris.

FIERSTEIN: Indeed you are.

ELOISE: I will say that it was pretty clear Joe was writing all this.

FIERSTEIN: Oh yeah?

ELOISE: Yeah! He's terrible at writing from the female perspective. The Bechdel Test was failed in about five seconds. The scumbag is going to use female voices as some sort of crutch for writing about his own insecurities.

FIERSTEIN: Insecurities that are moot, at this point. The summer is over.

ELOISE: So this is it.

FIERSTEIN: This is it.

ELOISE: What's he going to do now?

FIERSTEIN: Watch Season 5, Episode 9, probably.

ELOISE: Haha, very funny stuff.

FIERSTEIN: No, I think he's going to be moving on from this summer-long bit, this extended hackery, this sitcom exercise that was equal parts torturous and fortuitous. It's over now. Say goodbye.

ELOISE: Goodbye, everyone. It really was fun existing. But now it's Labor Day, and we're through.

FIERSTEIN: Joe, you can stop watching "Grannies Gone Wild" now.

ELOISE: Wake up Joe.

FIERSTEIN: Wake up.

VAN: Alright Mrs. H., are you ready for a healthy breakfast? I've got egg whites, plain wheat toast, and assortment of fruit. You're gonna love this.

JOE: And I did love it. All of it.