Starfucker

Anybody see the new A League of Their Own TV show? Pam and I watched the pilot episode a month or so ago. I neither liked it nor disliked it. Seemed like a lovable cast of strong actresses who are all gonna do some great things whenever Prime cancels the show (no doubt after a promising first season and a critically acclaimed second season and one hell of a cliffhanger). I dunno, it didn't really stand out beyond that, especially not during a year in which I am personally forgoing the choice of television in total (so it was Pam's pick the night we watched the pilot). I'm totally down to watch Abbi Jacobson and D'Arcy Carden, two of the hottest women in Hollywood today, have endless romantic tension, but I'm probably not creepy enough to use that as a reason to continue to watch this otherwise pretty good show.

But here's another reason one might theoretically use to keep watching such a show: I know one of the actresses in the main cast.

Okay, "know" might be a stretch, depending on how you look at it. I haven't spoken to the woman in question in about sixteen years, and I haven't thought about her in about fourteen. Her name is Melanie Field, and she plays Jo DeLuca, who is the Rosie O'Donnell character in this adaptation (and Field plays the character winningly in the around fifteen minutes she was on screen in this episode). I know her because I performed with her in 2006 in a production of Godspell at my high school. Here is the best/only picture I could find with both of us in the frame.

I am the stupid looking clown all the way to your left. Melanie is in a flapper-type outfit about one-third of the way across from your right. I cannot remember a single conversation I ever had with her. She was a year older than I was, and it was the first time I was ever in a play, and as you can see from the picture, the large cast meant there were a lot of people to meet. I wasn't friends with everyone.

So by the time the summer of 2022 rolls around and me and Pam sit down to watch A League of Their Own, the thought would have never crossed my mind that I've ever personally met any of these actresses in real life. Imagine my surprise as I'm going through Wikipedia pages, trying to figure out where I recognize some of the actresses from. I was legitimately shocked when the pieces fell into place.

In terms of the most famous people I've ever worked with, Melanie immediately shoots to the top of the list, and I sincerely can't ever imagine anyone topping this, the ninth-listed in the main cast of a prestige television drama. Of course, "worked with" is relative (though it is funny that this production of Godspell has already been used on this blog as a way to crowbar myself into a Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon discussion). If Melanie Field saw me on the street, she would not recognize me, just like I would not have recognized her at this point in my life until I saw her in a 1940s baseball uniform. But there is a greater-than-zero-percent chance that if I explained to her who I was, she would remember me, in the same distant hazy way I that remember her. So I think "know" is legitimate in its usage here.

But what to make of the fact that I "know" a "famous" person now? Absolutely nothing. For real. This does nothing for me except to add to my collection of dumb personal trivia (e.g. it's 2032 and Melanie is receiving the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and I'm at home like "lol i was in godspell with this chick"). Anything beyond that, any potential for any personal interaction with a long-ago acquaintance at this point seems like the most cringeworthy thing in the world.

I'm not even talking about like trying to send her a message on Instagram or something, because that's creepy for multiple reasons. I'm talking about stuff even more pedestrian than that. Like, say I was at a bar, and Melanie Field, the actress from the hit Amazon Prime series, walked in. I wouldn't approach her under even this circumstance. In fact, I would actively avoid her. Any potential for any interaction with her seems like the saddest goddamn thing. It would seem needy. And it would seem like I was legitimizing the very idea of "celebrity," as if this person was worth seeking out because they are "famous" and I want to feel "good" about myself because I "know" a famous person and feel the need to prove it.

I don't like starfucking, basically, and my definition of "starfucking" is extremely broad. It's not that I feel the need to express feeling of superiority to celebrities, because I don't feel superior to anyone. But I also believe that starfucking in any form is basically an implication that the starfucker feels, and should feel, inferior. And I hate the idea of that.

As a general rule, I don't like going anywhere near anyone who could be considered famous. Not that I've had too many opportunities to put this opinion into practice, but there's been a few! One time I was driving past Rob McElhenney and Kaitlin Olson with their infant child as they walked down Market Street; I kept driving. One time I passed Kate Flannery, who plays Meredith in The Office, as she was walking down Locust Street; I kept going. What, should I bother these people and ask for a selfie? I can't imagine anything worse.

I think that there are obvious exceptions to this rule. The Melissa Peterman thing from last month would never have crossed my mind as "starfucking." It's not like I was some sniveling nobody begging this lord on high to deign for an autograph or something. Melissa Peterman was hired for a very specific job. She was paid for it and she did that job well, and that's why I'll always be a fan. And maybe if I saw Peterman on the street, I'd introduce myself as the Grannies Gone Wild guy, but only because that would add another layer to the Reba insanity. I wouldn't do it just because I'm "blinded by the light of celebrity" or however you wanna phrase it.

And it's not like I'm wishing failure on anyone. As far as I can remember, Melanie Field is a terrific person, and I wish her every success in this world. Ignoring her in hypothetical bar scenario says more about my feelings about myself and how I try to portray myself and my worldviews than it does about how I feel about her or any other celebrity in a similar position.

Actually, let's put it this way: I believe that celebrities live in completely different universes as us pleebs, so different that it might as well be fictional. To think that I would ever or even could ever attempt to cross that boundary seems wrong and dirty to me. It would feel, basically, like I was lacking in some type of humility, that I was deceiving myself into thinking that a "celebrity" could ever actually care about me in any way other than as one part of the great anonymous general public who pay their paychecks. (But if a celebrity chooses to go the other way and enter my world, like the Barbara Jean video, then by all means.)

No judgment if you're into that kind of thing, by the way. Like I said, I'm more painting a picture of an incredibly insecure man than making any sort of general statement of about fan/celebrity interaction here. I just think that the idea of someone being "higher up on the social food chain" than someone else to be a fantastically toxic idea, and I try to avoid giving the idea credence whenever possible.

But for real, if Abbi Jacobson or D'Arcy Carden want to drop a comment below and make plans to meet up with me, I'm totally down.