Grannies Gone Wild #109

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 99 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE. You can also read every single Grannies Gone Wild entry in the archives HERE.

 

I am one with "Grannies Gone Wild." I have become "Grannies Gone Wild," and it has become me. Whether I like it or not, this singular episode of television is going to stick with me for a long time. Its scars will likely never heal.

 

I can imagine that there will be no shortage of moments in my life when I experience a tiny insignificant moment, and that moment triggers a line of dialogue in my head. I spoke once about "sticky phrases," and how even after only fifteen viewings, there were certain lines that would bubble to the surface when triggered by certain events (e.g. putting on a new shirt and hearing "See Florence? Slimming.").

What I'm arguing today, with an additional 84 viewings under my belt, is that every single line in the script is now "sticky" for me. Seriously. Every single one.

Originally, what I was going to do today was list every single line of dialogue in the entire episode (minus any names, e.g. no "Mrs. H." or whatever), and give an example of something that could happen in my life in the future that would trigger the line. I'm still going to do a lot of that, but now that I'm laying out every single line of dialogue, I'm realizing that there are like hundreds of lines, and I just started my second year of grad school today, and I am completely overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, and I'm realizing that doing every single line is LITERALLY impossible at this point. So instead I'm going to do like Top 20 or so. We'll see.

Maybe typing all of this out will counteract the script's effect on me, regardless of how much I do. Maybe today's blog post will be an exorcism.

 

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TRIGGER: When I drop an entire rack of raw bacon on the kitchen floor.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Are you ready for a healthy breakfast?"

TRIGGER: When I'm teaching teenage Willow how to drive in our Kia Sportage and she starts making quick and wide turns in the Fox Chase Elementary parking lot, leaving tire tracks in her wake.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "You like doughnuts? Doughnuts are good."

TRIGGER: When it's 2050 and inflation has skyrocketed the price of Aldi chocolate chip cookies, and I really just can't believe it when I look at the price tag.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Wow. A hundred and twenty. Yeah, that is high."

TRIGGER: When I'm American and I buy a new gun but then I realize I don't know what Americans typically use guns for.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I'm goin' to school!"

TRIGGER: When I'm playing as Ash and Misty is telling me that she thinks that her water Pokémon is going to lose against Geodude.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Tell her, Brock."

TRIGGER: When I've been cut out of the inheritance and I'm crying at the funeral and everyone else is happy for some reason.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Why am I the only one making this face?"

TRIGGER: When I'm getting my root canal fixed next Tuesday and Dr. Backiel sighs and walks out of the room halfway through.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "What do you mean you don't want to be a dentist?"

TRIGGER: When my favorite French electronic music duo speeds off and leaves their stage manager behind, and that stage manager is complaining that his employers drove off without him.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Justice waits for no one!"

TRIGGER: When I become a brain surgeon and only take on alumni of America's Next Top Model as patients.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "What is goin' on in that pretty head of yours, woman?"

TRIGGER: When a tour bus full of senior citizens gets stuck in a pothole right outside of my house and I call 911.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Somebody has got to do something about these old people."

TRIGGER: When I meet Steve Howey and he tells me how long of an affair his ex-wife was having with Zach Braff.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Ten year?"

TRIGGER: When the deli worker is hard of hearing and I'm trying to tell him what I need a pound of.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Baloney!"

TRIGGER: When the deli worker tries a little piece of meat just to make sure it didn't go bad, but it did go bad, and he starts heaving, and the meat gets all over the floor.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Did you just cough baloney?"

TRIGGER: When I can't remember if we're taking the car or the van to the deli, but then I suddenly remember.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Oh, Van!"

TRIGGER: When President Majorie Taylor Greene establishes concentration camps for all U.S. citizens who consider themselves "woke."

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "What she's doing is crazy. We need to stop her."

TRIGGER: When I finally make my Reba McEntire x OutKast mixtape.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Ha, hey!"

TRIGGER: When I get selected as a contestant on my parents' favorite reality television game show.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I'm a survivor!"

TRIGGER: When I accidentally swallow a tab of acid, and I hallucinate a giant sentient jar of honey, and imagine that it's walking me to jury duty.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Thanks for walking me to my jury service, honey."

TRIGGER: When I know that one of the Neo-Nazi security guards at the new Woke Concentration Camp is going to stick a stun gun in my bunkmate's chest if he accidentally calls me by my real name.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Ah, ah, ah. Call me by my number."

TRIGGER: When I'm at tennis camp and the instructor is telling me that it's time to practice backhand swings.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "But I want to serve."

TRIGGER: When I'm trying to guess how many jelly beans are in a small glass jar so I can enter to win two free tickets to tonight's screening of Top Gun: Maverick.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "1536?"

TRIGGER: When I'm trying to say the safe word by she's covering my mouth because she's enjoying it a lot, way more than I am.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Let me say it!"

TRIGGER: When my friend who's having a law-themed costume party tells us that there are absolutely, under no circumstances, allowed to be repeat costumes.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I'm foreman! I call it!"

TRIGGER: When I resent my electric toothbrush and speak directly to it.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "You're just a glorified toothbrush."

TRIGGER: When I tell Pam to guess how many days in a row I plan on dieting.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "One day?"

TRIGGER: When the Undertaker is asking me to guess who is coming to my birthday party right after he competes in a Buried Alive Match at Survivor Series PPV.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Well, it won't be you, 'cause you'll be dead."

TRIGGER: When we're wondering how to get the last Christmas decoration off the roof after our ladder breaks, and someone finds a bucket of rocks.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Come on, guys. Let's knock it off."

TRIGGER: When I see Christopher Rich randomly during a Los Angeles vacation.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "As I live and breath, Errol Flynn!"

TRIGGER: When I buy my grandmother's house without her knowing, and I show up with the moving trucks, and my uncle is out on the front lawn, pissed, because he knows what's about to go down.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "You're here to take her home."

TRIGGER: When I see an old man about to sexually assault some old women dressed in wigs and mid-'00s trendy clothing.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Dickie, no! No, Dickie. No. No, Dickie. U-turn. No, Dickie!"

TRIGGER: When Pam makes me watch an episode of The Kardashians.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "It's stupid. It's the dumbest thing ever."

TRIGGER: When she makes me watch another episode.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "[Shudders and audibly makes a noise of disgust]"

TRIGGER: When Pam tells me she had a sex dream about me except that I had a big bushy beard and I was delivering milk.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I was Tevye."

TRIGGER: When I'm kicked off the professional Improv team because I didn't abide by the Rule of Yes, and now I can't afford rent because no one else will hire me.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Oh, no, no, no... Oh, now I regret saying that. I regret my whole career choice."

TRIGGER: When Doug Mastriano is elected governor and I'm on the way to the electric chair for stealing a garden gnome.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "But I don't wanna go!"

TRIGGER: When I am having an orgasm.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Bailiff Ron!"

TRIGGER: When my buddy is filling out a Mad Lib and he asks me for three adjectives.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Ridiculous. Laughable. Insane."

TRIGGER: When I'm trying to tell someone that they can't smoke marijuana in the house but I'm saying it with an Italian accent.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "You don't get a hi."

TRIGGER: When I'm looking at a weirdly shiny picture of my least favorite saint.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "It's Mother Teresa with lip gloss."

TRIGGER: When my new Tesla Minivan can drive around traffic without me ever touching the wheel.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Aw, clever, Van."

TRIGGER: When Pam says that she wants to try pegging, and I see her start strapping on.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "That's a great idea! That's a great idea."

TRIGGER: When my brother-in-law tells me that he's going to see a nighttime NASCAR race.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Do you see the cars they drive?"

TRIGGER: When my friend is trying to think of a non-gender-specific pronoun to use, but he can't think of one, it's on the tip of his tongue, and so I feel the need to help him out.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "...You?"

TRIGGER: When I finish a biographical novel about some guy who died 150 years ago and since I can't talk to the dead guy, I speak directly to the book.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "It is so cool that the tragedy that is your life can help others."

TRIGGER: When I'm tired of waiting for my turn with the hula hoop.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "When were you gonna allow me in the loop?"

TRIGGER: When we decide to trade in our minivan for a BMW.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Van, I'm sorry. But I'm really happy with my decision."

TRIGGER: When we visit our old minivan on the used car lot, even after we trade it in, on the anniversary of when we first bought it.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Van. Happy birthday, Van."

TRIGGER: When I'm at Lowes and I trip and knock over a shelf filled with Miracle-Gro and it falls right on top of me.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I think I soiled myself."

TRIGGER: When I'm making a deposit at the bank.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "Yeah. [disgusting slurping sex noises]"

TRIGGER: When I realize that life is going to be pretty cool on Tuesday when I can stop watching the same episode of Reba every day for over a hundred days in a row.

WHAT IT WILL MAKE ME THINK OF: "I think we better make sure."