I weighed myself this morning, and here's where I stand. I am seven pounds heavier than my lowest weight of 2025 so far. I am eighteen pounds lighter than my heaviest weight of 2025 (so far???). Damage done during a month-long break, but nothing that ended the world. I'm reversing course and headed in the right direction.
The worst decision I made all day was agreeing to work overnight overtime. Which means that I'm typing this in the AM hours, starting my shift at midnight, no sleep yet. Hoping to get some sleep in my office chair. Things are dire, and I'm sacrificing for my family.
I'm mentioning this now, here in this blog post about holding myself accountable as I stumble toward health and wellness, is that the dark thoughts have already crept in. E.g. "well, eight hours from now, the sun will be coming up, and I'll be hungry, and shit, man, why not just give in and get that Wawa, you'll have earned it" and so on and so on.
And yeah, there might be some extra wiggle room afforded, but I don't wanna nuke this shit already, even over some stupid-ass decision to start a sixteen-hour shift without any sleep. I packed a lunch. I plan on eating it at lunchtime tomorrow. I'll probably get a tiny little breakfast in the morning, hold myself over. We'll see.
Alright, I don't want to keep typing. I want to try to sleep. Wish me luck.
3 comments:
Look, it's been a while since I've pulled an all-nighter. I am already going back on what I said. No fucking way I'm gonna get to the end of this double shift without buying some shitty food.
I've got a lot of thoughts regarding "you've earned it" as it relates to eating, and none of them are coherent or publishable at present moment. Consider this recognition, and a reminder that it's all right the way that you live.
I don't even think you had to publish an explanation, because I think about this comment all the time. Just the phrase "you've earned it." What a fucking lie we tell ourselves. I've earned the right to feel good about myself. I've not earned the right to feel like shit because I give in and eat a cheesesteak at 3 in the morning.
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