"Meat Factory"
Bill Fox
from Resonance
2025
I'm trying to live with the idea of not being excited about anything. Don't worry, I'm not living the opposite either, what you'd describe at "being miserable about everything." I'm just trying to find the spaces in between. That's where "living in the moment" exists, after all. If I'm living in the moment, then I'm not concerned for the future, and I'm not worried about the past. I'm just here, in the present. If I'm not thinking about the future in a pessimistic way, then I'll be happier in the present moment, yes. But more germane to my point here: if I'm not thinking about the future in an optimistic way, then I'll never be disappointed.
If I don't anticipate anything, then I won't be troubled when it doesn't arrive. When I get excited about something, then I'm usually telling people about it. I'm usually writing about it. And then it doesn't come to fruition and I feel like an asshole. Because now I have to explain that that thing I was so excited about and so sure of doesn't actually exist in my life, whoops, ha ha, sorry, my bad. Shame on me for thinking otherwise.
I shouldn't have written about potentially getting promoted to a different job, because now I have to write a separate blog post about how I did not get the promotion. Well, I don't have to. But it was written in a way that could theoretically inform the friends who keep up with my otherwise sheltered life through the pages of this public journal that I could maybe, possibly be experiencing a life change in the near future, and I don't like the idea of the now-false notion just hanging out in the wind like that. Let us tear down the misconceptions: I was sent an email by HR that the hiring team is moving in a different direction.
I feel stupid because it was stupid of me to be confident in my chances. The interview went well. I was prepared. I talked to all the right people. I sincerely wanted the job, which hopefully showed. And let's be real here... let's drop the defenses for a second here and get real... in the life I've lived so far, these sorts of things are usually given to me. Ugh, it's painful to write that, in that way, but I'm trying to be vulnerable enough to admit that it's true. I've lived a privileged life. This might be the first time in my life that I made a full and honest effort when applying for a job that I wanted and did not get that job. I'm not used to this. That makes me seem so conceited! It's true! I had confidence in getting the job because I would normally be getting the job. There was an insane mix of 1) knowing that I usually get that job and 2) putting in honest work to actually earn that job. That mix added up to confidence. I expressed that confidence. I now have egg on my stupid privileged face.
And now let's get even more debasing. I didn't deserve that job anyway. Think about it. Seriously, think about the actual reasons I was excited for that potential promotion. It wasn't because I would have, ahem, better opportunities to address the safety needs of the children in Philadelphia. It was because it was EASIER. It seemed like plum gig. I wanted it. I pictured quiet days in a secluded office, drinking cold seltzers, sending a few emails, and then digging into that day's movie. Now tell me, does that sound like the type of person who deserves such a job? No, it does not. It's like what they say about cops—if you actually want to be a cop, then you are not fit to be a cop. I wanted to get the easy social worker job, so I was not fit to have the easy social worker job. That's for people who don't want the easy job. Those people should be rewarded.
The only problem is that this opportunity kinda had the feeling of "the last lifeboat off the Titanic" to it. I mean, it's not that severe, there will be other promotions in the future, and I'll most like settle on one of them. But it's not looking like there are too many of them, and none of them will be as convenient, content-wise, as this one. If I was concerned about getting any promotion at all, I'd already have one, but there are so many opportunities to make myself fucking miserable, and I have the audacity to want better than that. I already feel like I'm in a prison. I don't want to lock myself in a cell even deeper in the prison for another five years. If I can help it.
It sounds stupid to use the word "mourning" for some dumb bullshit like this, but the past five days really have felt, in some small way, like I'm in mourning. My confidence made me believe in a life that went down the path of success, and I saw the decision tree as it fractured out from that promotion, saw exactly how my life was going to go. But now I need to trim and prune that tree and start over. Another summer in this goddamn job. Another who knows how long doing the same fucking inane bullshit.
At least I had time to write this blog post at work. I suppose that's one thing I can be optimistic about. I'm still writing. I just promise not to write about anything I'm excited about from now on.
6 comments:
Don't know what to say other than hang in there. I hope you continue to write about exciting things in your life if that's something you want to do. If they don't come true, we'll be here for you.
Tough break, been there, Ts&Ps, but don't drag Bill Fox into this.
Thanks man! I'm still getting a paycheck. I'll live. All good!
It's thematically appropriate! "Pray someday an office bench / will raise [me] from the smell and stench / of the [child abuse prevention] factory."
The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
That said, sorry about the job, always stings to lose something you're aiming for, whatever the contextual reasons may be.
There's a candle in our bathroom that was given to us by a good friend and it says "practice the art of not-doing," and I think about that a lot, mostly every time I pee while standing up.
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