Held Accountable — Day 2

I hate how every time I eat something, it feels like a failure. My brain knows better. I know I need food to eat. To override that function would mean to sign a long, slow death warrant. I need to eat. I'm eating. I'm eating healthy. For lunch, I had my usual, which is beans and rice with hot sauce and some clementines. That's healthy. The beans are good for you, and I like eating them. They are convenient, too, because they make you feel full, which means that you're less likely to eat a cookie after you eat them. But I've had such a hard time with overeating that my body still interprets "full stomach" as "you fucked up." Even though I know that it's just satiated from the beans, and I need to eat. I'm self-aware of all this, and so I'm able to keep doing what I need to do and not, like, lapse into anorexia or something. I will keep eating. And I figure that eventually, my body will realize that feeling not-hungry is fine, assuming that the hunger was satisfied with healthy foods.

Anyways, I'm eating a snack right now, which is also fine. Prunes and peanut butter. I had calories left over, according to MyFitnessPal. I had them left over because I didn't have breakfast. I usually [when in "healthy mode"] have breakfast only after I go to the gym, and I didn't go to the gym this morning. I can't go to the gym when the baby wakes me up in the middle of the night, and she did just that last night. I'm having patience with the situation. Going to the gym or not isn't make or break in this situation. I feel better when I go to the gym, but I'm not going to be a failure if I don't go to the gym. The primary focus right now is weight loss. Weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Plus, going to the gym every other day on average is still great. Might be even better than every day, according to some, since muscles need time to recover. I still would choose to go every day, but life's circumstances (e.g. young child being a 1 AM pain in the ass) usually makes that impossible. All good.

Day 2 was a success because I stayed under my calorie goal. Other parts of the day made it a good day—getting home from work at a reasonable time, for instance, and spending time with the kids, and all that good stuff—but the calorie counting is what made it successful. Easy to say on Day 2. But I'm living day to day, and documenting it here, so today: success.