Wondering, Joe

I reject the entire premise.

I don't care to review a children's album in a way that has me comparing it to other children's albums, because I hate all children's albums. I don't hate them because the music is bad or unpleasant to hear, I'm saying I hate them because I don't think they should exist. I reject their very existence. Wipe 'em all from the face of the earth, as far as I'm concerned.

I feel this way because the existence of children's music is antithetical to a belief I share about music that I hold near and dear to my heart. The belief is this: music is universal. No matter who you are, where you come from, or how old you are, good music should have the power to move you emotionally. I know a lot of good music, I've felt that uplifting catharsis, and I know you have too. I know my children have too, because I've seen it. I've seen them dance in the kitchen to music that I've picked out. We laughed and loved to some excellent tunes. They get it, because they are human.

The existence of children's music says that there are certain people who do not believe this inalienable truth. These cynics believe that children of a certain age do not get it, that they can't possibly understand "adult" music with their tiny little brains. I call bullshit. Music is a shared human experience, even if you've only been a human for four years so far. Children's music is insulting to children.

I hate, hate, HATE the fact that the vernacular used in my own household is a separation between "kids' music" and "Daddy's music." I've written about the bathtime playlist before, so you may already know that a decent chunk of that playlist is music that I myself enjoy as an adult. I've also written before about how my oldest knows more than she thinks she knows when it comes to the so-called "Daddy's music." Pretty recently, I played Alex Lahey's "On My Way" in the middle of the ostensible "Daddy's music," and the revelation came across visibly on Willow's face: holy shit, sometimes my music and Daddy's music are the same music.

Here's the lesson in that anecdote, the lesson that eventually will sink in for all my kids, the more opportunities they have to learn it: ALL music is OUR music. FUCK the idea of "children's music" and "adult music." Emotionally, they can be exactly the same. The good music, anyway.

Look, I get why Music with Gina's 2021 album Wondering exists. No offense to Gina personally. She's making this music because there is a market for this music. A girl's gotta eat, and good for her for choosing to eat by performing in Northwest Philadelphia's parks and farmers markets and two-year-old birthday parties. She's operating within the structure that was built before she was born, and she's doing it well. I'm happy for her. No offense to her personally that I'd prefer to tear the whole structure down.

I would, too, if I could, as opposed to being just one raving lunatic with his own shitty blog. Ya know what, though? I feel like Gina might tear it down as well, if she could. Music with Gina, otherwise known as Gina Kaz, has also released two "adult" albums under the latter cognomen—2002's Dechiper and 2005's For You. Some pretty middle-of-the-road folky singer songwriter fare; the former is like a really decent stab at a Fiona Apple or Tori Amos sound (and maybe even a good one, the more I listen to it), while the latter seems designed by the algorithm for your third-rate streaming service television drama binge watch (indeed, one of her songs, "Water and Wine," was apparently featured in a 2010 episode of a show called Make It or Break It, which I've never heard of).

I can't help but wonder whether she'd still rather be chasing that style of music. I'm not saying she isn't happy. It's possible she feels like she's found her niche, singing songs about the sun and the rain and catching worms and picking carrots and all that. But it's also not impossible that she'd rather be connecting with humans of all ages, and that operating within the children's music industrial complex is depriving her of that desire. She makes more money singing the so-called "children's music." I don't blame her for making that decision. I'm just hoping that she doesn't feel like she HAS to make that decision. I think within the hypothesis I'm proposing, the likelihood of that choice's existence is pretty high.

But the children LIKE this kind of music, you say. And I get it. I don't deprive my own children of any of their musical desires. If Martha wants to repeatedly listen to a song called "I'm a Gummy Bear" that has three billion views on YouTube and looks like it was made in a German sweatshop, then go for, girl. I don't like that song, but my negative opinion about that song has nothing to do with who it is "meant" for. Because again, I don't agree with that premise. Music should meant for everyone, even the goddamn Gummy Bear song. It's a shitty song for certain, but my saying that is no different than saying that "Feel It Still" by Portugal. the Man is a shitty song. It's not like Willow is saying "Feel It Still" is a shitty song because it's "made for adults." That would be preposterous. (She says it sucks because she has good taste.)

So I'd hate for this to turn into something where I'm being accused of trying to feed my kids "my" music against their wishes. When I choose the music, they for the most part listen without commenting, and only occasionally complain. But they don't complain about the song itself, they are mostly complaining in those instances because they'd rather be listening to a song they like better (like "I'm a Gummy Bear"). I mean, I get the impulse too. Sometimes I'd rather be listening to something else. That joy of the hunt for music that makes you feel will come in time. It's tough for kids, because with music, like with most facets of their life, they are just gonna hit the reward button over and over and over for that next shot of dopamine. Parenting is about getting them to understand that impulse, and control it.

But that's not what I meant when I was saying "feeding my kids music against their wishes." I was mainly talking about that Onion article where the dad has conditioned his child to listen to Talking Heads instead of stuff like Music with Gina, and thus has alienated her from all her friends. I think such parenting is equally as dangerous to a child's upbringing as anything else we're talking about here. You can't force that shit on a kid, or else they are going to be a freak, or worse, are going to be a normal kid who resents you.

 

So while, yes, I'm going to play the 1996 J-rock masterpiece Long Season for them occasionally, that's all in the name of exploring together. I'm along for the ride in terms of what they want to explore as well (even if that means they are exploring "I'm a Gummy Bear"). It won't be like that scene in This Is 40 when Paul Rudd refuses to even consider whether "Roman's Revenge" is a good song, and lashes out by changing it to Alice in Chain's "Rooster," which he thinks is the only "good" music. Fuck that shit. If anything, I'm going to be an annoying dad because I'll be the opposite. I want Willow and Martha and Unnamed Third to come to me if they found a good song that they and other members of their generation really like. That would mean that they found something that makes them feel something. I want to feel it too, so let's explore it together. There is no divide. There is no "my" music and "your" music. It's all just "our" music.

And honestly, fuck you if you don't think that children aren't emotionally intelligent enough to get it. This isn't like books. I condone the idea of a "children's book" being separate from an "adult book," but that's only because the act of reading is a legitimate skill that babies are not born with, but instead have to learn through practice. You start reading books to them like Halloween Parade, and soon they are reading themselves, and then they are reading other books with more complex words and phrases in them, and they keep practicing, and then all of a sudden they are devouring Infinite Jest, and so on. But I'm saying this isn't the same as music. You don't need to practice to feel it. It just happens. Some people say you should be pumping tunes into the womb so that your unborn fetus can start to feel it too. It comes free with the package. You don't need to dumb it down for anyone.

So why even pretend, I guess is my overall question here. Why are we pretending that children need music like the songs found on Wondering? I'm not question whether they should want it. That's different. I played Wondering for Martha at 6 AM on Sunday morning (me and her spend a lot of early mornings together), and she seemed to really liked it. But you know what? She also liked Titus Andronicus' new punk rock guitar hero album The Will to Live. We don't need to separate. We don't need to dumb it down. Not with music. You feel it, and you've always felt it, and that's why we keep coming back.

So it's not that I hate Wondering by Music with Gina. I don't hate it. I actually quite like some of the songs, because they are catchy and upbeat and fun for both me and my daughters. I may not hate it, but I am incredibly offended by it. I am offended by its existence. That Wondering exists is a testament that there are those who do not believe what I believe about music—that it's for everyone, that it's one of the few shared human experiences we can all relate to. People who perpetuate the idea of "children's music" don't believe that to be true. We need to stop them.

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5