The Death It Tills for Thee #09: "The Toaster"

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Mark Goojara, and this is my story. I need you to know my story, because I don't know how much longer I have on this mortal coil. I can feel the walls closing in.

I am a 47-year-old American man who has been holed up in a cave since the year 2026. This is where I had to move all my computer equipment after the raids. They were going after anyone who wanted to keep any of their files. I couldn't let that happen. I have so many files. I keep them archived. I believe with all my heart that these files that I have are the key to reaching salvation, and I couldn't let them take the files from me. I will hold onto them, at any cost.

I run a website that makes available copies of every single episode of the American sitcome 'Til Death. It aired in the mid-to-late '00s. It stars... well, you know. You're reading this, and so you know the players involved. We remember what happened in 2025, the resurgence of popularity, despite the fact that it wasn't streaming anywhere. Remember streaming? Remember TVs? I'm proud to say that I remember. Only because I helped to kill them.

Viewers by the millions, and occasionally billions, flocked to my website to view the episodes of 'Til Death. It was mania. The tall guy best known for playing Burt's lawyer Dom in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, his hot wife, the pale creepy guy from American Pie, character actress Kat Foster, they were all there, on people's screens constantly. It was almost like we'd achieved true peace and harmony as a human race. Hate dissipated as so many people were able to view what true hate looked like, between Burt's lawyer and the hot wife, a hatred that burned so bright and made all our petty grievances in the real world look so pathetic. Wars ended, people of all colors and creeds came together in harmony, the two-party American political system completely collapsed since it became impossible to pit anyone against each other anymore, the at-the-time president (a pedophile) immediately died of a heart attack, and people partied in the streets for seven days straight, blasting the theme music of 'Til Death all the time, the one that goes "WOAH-woah-woah-woah."

But the powers that be, they didn't like it. They didn't like it one bit. They could sense there would be an uprising if this were to continue, and so they shut it down. Set fire to the nation. Most people went underground, including me. I took my servers, and all my 'Til Death files. I needed to protect them. It gave people hope, when most hope was lost.

I am willing to make this sacrifice. I'd be willing even if my life's path had gone differently. I graduated top of the class in computer science from California State University Channel Islands, married my high school sweetheart, became an IT tech at a high-end law firm. But then things took a turn. My wife and I had one child, but she died tragically young in an accident that I have trouble thinking about to this day. We didn't process our grief properly, and our marriage fell apart. I developed a crippling addiction to pain pills, and ended up in a clinic for a while. I eventually found my way to thoughts about death. Then I found 'Til Death.

Sitting here now, here in my cave, not lonely, because I can turn on any episode I want. I've seen them all a thousand and one times. I pull one at random. S01E09, "The Toaster." A classic. Lawyer Burt gets into a petty fight with his hot wife when hot wife says she's going unplug the toaster to save energy. They fight through the whole episode about it, and it becomes tiresome. Not to me, but to them. For the first time in the whole series, both Burt and hot wife realize that they are going a little too far with the fighting. The state of their marriage is analyzed, and it's not good.

When they ruin character actress Kat Foster's surprise party, that little pasty creep from American Pie tells them off, and for good reason. They are so self-centered. It's becoming apparent to audiences at this point that their mutual self-centeredness is what brought them together in the first place. And in the end, they are confronted with a literal fire brimming from the old toaster, symbolizing the fiery hells that they will soon face if they don't change their ways, fix their marriage, and so on.

I can recall vividly when this episode first aired, and the shockwaves it caused across the nation. And then also that year, 2025, when this series was rediscovered, all the episodes through my coveted website. I remember one of the letters I received that spoke directly about this particular episode. It was a little old lady from Cheltenham, PA. She talked about her own marriage, how she saw some of the same behavioral patterns between Burt and Hot Wife that she knew were present between she and her husband. The blaming. The incessant need to be right, always. She asked whether it was okay to compare to TV characters. She openly wondered whether she and her husband's marriage would make it, despite its challenges.

I didn't have it in me to respond. Not because I too saw many of those challenges in my own home, and could relate all too deeply... but also because I knew what was to come. That she and so many others were seeing their own lives reflected back onto them throughout that frantic re-binging process of 2025, I knew that things in the country were about to go on the upswing. That we'd learn hard lessons from this show and come out all the better. I didn't know how right I was, for a while. And I didn't know how wrong I'd eventually be.

And so now, the worst has come to past, and I am here, alone, and I can tell little by little, day by day, that my time on earth is soon to pass. I can feel it rattling in my bones. I know the end is near. I wonder what will happen to my computer servers and files after I'm gone. I am locked in this cave by an avalanche that happened sometime in 2028, I think. I've been stuck in here ever since. There's no one else to look after these files. While I'm still here, I'd like to watch them all again. And again and again. And remember the goodness in humanity, while I still can.

GRADE: 5 pukes out of 5

NEXT TIME: "Daddy's Girl"